*ding* round 1

church was good tonight. God knocked on my heart. funny, i figured he had left by now.
must be because someone else is praying. i'm sure not.
I had stopped listening to all worship/icky God music, filled with lame, mushy sentiments, fluff, fluff, fluff, not grounded in real life. why is all the angry music written by people who don't believe in God? do people who believe in God not get angry? well if that is the case, i don't want your God. i need a God i can curse at, flip off, throw rocks at. if your God is so great, he should be able to take it right? i think people who don't believe in God are better off sometimes. first off, they aren't fake. well everyone is fake, but they are less fake when life is sucky. i think i would rather have bad days, then fake good ones. they also ask better questions, about things that really matter. like, why was my brother was killed? yep that sucks. and sometimes people who believe in God, don't give good answers. they make you feel like thats a dumb question and that just makes you feel worse. i'm sorry to all the people i made feel worse by giving you a stupid answer. i remember one night at a bible study the guy leading it was saying how he thought we as christians, don't challenge God enough. We don't question God when bad things happen or could happen. just after that bible study we found out our friend died in a car accident. i wonder what he prayed later that night? you can't measure faith. some people think how much you read your bible and pray determines how much faith you have. but i don't think so. if you are suffering, then just waking up takes faith. lots of it. i'm going to put my faith in God. if he wants me, he is going to have to come get me. if he wants me to follow him, he has to give me something worth following. i'm not going to pretend to have faith, i don't. if he wants me to believe he cares, he is going to have to do something about the things i care about. real life. i don't think that is asking too much. i'm not going to church, reading my bible or praying, but if what i'm doing is not trying than i'm more lost than i think. i know writing all of this means i'm in for a good butt kicking. but i would take a butting-kicking God over a God who is absent. i'm putting on the gloves...

without you

why can't i have peace that comes without understanding
or joy that greets me in the morning
where is the love that is more powerful than fear
or the comfort for all my troubles
what about the faith that doesn't need to see
or the hope that is so sure
what am i supposed to do without you
i'm not doing well on my own

I'm not sure if its because i'm feeling poetic or because i'm awake with nothing else to do, but i have decided to revisit my blog. As you can see its been a few months since i have been here and the only thing i have been able to muster up is promises that i pray are not empty. "Finding oneself" is so cliche but people go to all sorts of lengths to try and do it. It seems to be characterized by solidarity, adventure, travel, new experiences. Its a time where anything goes, its all out on the table, everything is up for grabs. When one is in the business of self discovery i feel like one opens themselves to anything that is possible in hopes that somehow it will not leave them unchanged. The secret hope in all of us is that when we search, we will find something. But, what happens when something finds you. When rather than being in the drivers seat on the open road of self discovery, you are a ship captain in the perfect storm. The captain defaults back to the basics, nothing fancy, just what is required to survive. There is no time to try new things. Its interesting that both events lead to discovery. Both a free spirit and a tested one hint that we are more resilient than we think, we can face more than we imagine, and we come out better for it, whether we found ourselves or not. I think the point is that we are willing to search because no matter what we find, inevitably we will lose it again.

What is the point of all this rambling? Its ok, i'm not sure either. i'm guess i'm still searching. i had found a part of me in india and then i came to seminary and lost other parts of me. the last year and half have been this constant relay between finding and losing. It has led to lots of changing, molding and shaping. I feel like my core identity is in constant limbo these days. im wanting things to go back the way they were, but that would be living in the past. im wanting to know how it will all turn out, but that would be living in the future. i have people from my past that are holding up the "before" picture and i don't know how much of that part of me is left. i also have people who are holding out what i could be "after" and i don't know how much of myself i would recognize. instead of my life being a still picture that can be captured in a second, it feels more like a mural whose details are being woven together as it takes form. a solution? don't have one. how about instead, an offering. Creator, i offer myself to you in both the roads and the storms. do with the canvas as you desire and will.

Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this...
Psalm 37:4-5

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;

your love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not abandon the work of your hands.
Psalm 138: 8

white christmas

I have always had a soft spot for snowmen and this year I got to build one xmas morning. We have some awesome sledding hills, but of course we don't have a sled. I finally made it home xmas eve, thanks to a metro, train, bus and plane ride. We saw our extended family xmas eve, but it snowed another couple inches xmas day so it was just the 4 of us. This meant a lot of turkey and mashed potatoes. We still have over a foot of snow at our house so our driveway and development roads would still swallow my car. The city roads and freeways are mostly cleared so we did make it out in the truck this afternoon and headed to downtown portland to do some shopping. With all that said, it's still my xmas break, vacation from work and time with my family. I still have some good dates coming up with friends, the sis and a whole day of korean adventures (ie food and karaoke) to look forward too.

Dear God,

In 2007, I encountered the world at its worst. I felt its suffering, its injustice, its pain. I looked into its deepest wounds through the eyes of slaves, poverty, the forgotten, the thrown out, the oppressor and the oppressed. I saw the world’s abuse of human dignity; the fallen and broken at their worst. I felt helpless, inadequate, angry, and hopeless. I wanted to know what you would do about this world, how you could still exist. You answered that despite the world, you would remain to be hope, joy, mercy, grace and most of all love. Your love would remain the same even when the subject of your love was at its worst. I discovered your compassion for the brokenhearted, your image in the oppressed and your hope for a fallen world.

In 2008, my world felt apart. My world became confusion, anger, shock, and suffering. Out of my fear, it became my fight. I went head to head with what I hate. I clinched my fists and dug my heels in deep. I experienced my own deep wounds of hurt, pain, and hopelessness. My clarity turned to chaos, my certainty to shame. When I wondered where you were, I lived without you, as though you could not do anything. I lived as broken, fallen, and rebellious as possible. The ‘me’ I had become, I was sure you couldn’t stand. I sat as a prisoner bound by my own strength, capable of nothing I wanted; a failure. But I’m still breathing, and finally surrendering. I have discovered you still remain. Despite my worst, you are still love. Your presence has not replaced all my hurt and pain, but neither has my hurt and pain replaced your presence. It all remains together and with you, it is given a chance to be transformed; to become something new. I am discovering your compassion for my broken heart, your nearness in my suffering and your hope for my failure.

In 2009…

not what, but who

Lord...
you, not me
yours, not mine
amen.

lyrics

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong,
but she still sleeps with her light on,
and she acts like It's all right on,
as she smiles again
her mother lies there sick with cancer,
and her friends don't understand her,
she's a question without answers,
who feels like falling apart.
She knows,
she's so much more than worthless,
but she needs to find her purpose,
she wonders what she did to deserve this and..

She's calling out to you, this is a call;
this is a call out,'Cause everytime I fall down,
I reach out to you,
and I'm losing all control now,
and my hazard signs are all out,
I'm asking you,
to show me what this life is all about.

He tells everyone a story,
because he thinks his life is boring,
and he fights so you won't ignore him,
because that's his biggest fear,
and he cries,but you'll rarely see him do it.
He loves, but he's scared to use it.
So he hides behind the music,
'cause he likes it that way.
He knows,
He's so much more than worthless,
he needs to find the surface,
because he's starting to get nervous.

Have you ever felt this way before?
'cause I don't wanna hide here anymore.
Take me to place where nothing's wrong
and thanks for coming, shut the door.
They say someone out there sees us,
Well if you're real then save me Jesus,'
cause I've been here for far too long.
I wasn't meant to feel alone.

--Thousand Foot Krutch

newberg?!?

this isn't the first time newberg has had a brush with fame. the first was when i saw robin williams at fred meyer, but this time newberg made it on national tv!! more specifically, Tilikum. if you didn't have at least one retreat or camp experience there then you didn't go to Fox. Portland was the final destination on the Amazing Race season finale and the contestants had to do part of the high ropes course at Tilikum for their clue. check out the episode, its online. PDX, the gorge, the bridge of the gods, downtown, and pittock mansion all had cameo appearances. i thought it was fun. i miss the nw. i'll be home soon.

done right :)

turkey
real mashed potatoes
real gravy
stuffing
green bean casserole
corn casserole
little smokey's
broccoli salad
corn bread
sweet potatoes
pumpkin pie
pumpkin tort
chocolate cake
beer
champagne
sweet tea
coffee
football
texans
washingtonians
canadians
asians

plus most of the food (including the turkey) was donated in a thanksgiving basket one of our friends got from school. how cool is that? we just split it all up and everyone cooked and brought something. good job everyone, we would have made our moms proud.

nothing left

I have been bound
By his hands my sins are woven together,
the Lord has sapped my strength,
he has handed me over
to those I cannot withstand.

The Lord has rejected me

my eyes overflow with tears
no one is near to comfort me
no one to restore my spirit.
they betrayed me.

See O Lord how distressed I am
I am in torment within
in my heart disturbed
for I have been most rebellious
inside there is only death.

Let me sit alone in silence
Let me be filled with disgrace
Let me bury my face
Let me offer my cheek to
the one who would strike

He has broken me,
He has trampled me,
I have been deprived of peace,
I have been forgotten
Gone is all that I had hoped from the Lord.

I have nothing left.

If you are love, embrace me.
If you are peace, comfort me.
If you are mercy, cover me.
If you are grace, redeem me
If you are God, do not hide your face.
If you are coming, do not delay.

apparently i have been here before

some old thoughts from a different time, but maybe the same season.

who hears your scream, when you don't even make a sound?
when all your tears inside, never hit the ground
who is there when nothing makes it go away?
when nothing changes, no matter what they say
who can hold your breaking heart?
the moment a million pieces tear it apart
who can touch the part, you will never show?
when you are alone and no one else will know
who will carry your burdens, when they are pressing in?
so you can lift your head to see the way again
who sees the wounds opened by fear and shame?
when healing takes too much time and too much pain
who is there when you are ready to be done?
just Him forever, there is only one


Can a person that never cries become the one who needs to cry the most?
Can the person everyone thought was strong enough be the weakest of us all?
Can an empty heart avoid being filled with bitterness and anger?
Can you be struggling and battling, but not against flesh and blood?
Can people forget who they thought you were and love you as you are?
If you have convinced yourself you don't need anyone can God change your mind?
Lord what can you do with me?

waiting

waiting...

for space
to create
to express

for space
to question
the past
the future

for space
to think
to know
to feel

anything.
everything.

do unto others

i don't know what it is about california, but it seems to leave its mark on me. By mark, i mean literally. First it was the california mountains, then the trails and now the road. Apparently, running in the dark is only for the experienced. I don't know what it was, i'm sure it looked a bit sniper-like, but i was taken out by the pavement while on a run last night. I was in the zone, feeling confident of a pretty long run, daydreaming about everything but california and then suddenly bam, trip, tumble and skid. argh. well, that is what i get for laughing at my friend earlier that day who gashed open her big toe while we were on a walk. i had to humbly return, bloody knee and all. thats what i get for laughing. california scar number #5.

give thanks

"For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?" 1 Corinthians 4:7

"I do not set aside the grace of God." Galatians 2:21

But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "Why did you make me like this?" Romans 9:20

It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. Romans 9:16

someone's daughter

back from a distant land of regret
returning no longer worthy
you don't have to call me your own
save the fattened calf
i'm not sure how long i'll be home

can't stand your love
don't know if it can hold me
my eyes and heart hit the ground
your arms wrap around a tomb

found, but still hiding
home, but still wandering
yours, but still wanting

to be
someone's
daughter

It all started when

I finished my last paper of the summer quarter. We celebrated with cookies and a movie. Then on Friday after we turned our papers in we found the perfect kitchen rug on clearance at Target. This was a sure sign it was going to be a great shopping weekend because next I discovered coupons for American Eagle, PacSun, and Old Navy was having a huge sale. I moved into my new apt Sat after work. Its so nice to be settling in. We unpacked, organized, and celebrated life with Papa John's pizza. Sunday we hit the mall and it was the most shopping I've done in probably two years, but everything i bought was on sale and I probably won't go again for another two years. hehe. not really. Today was Joshua Tree National Park. It was so beautiful and like a giant playground. We got some pretty cool pictures. What else could this week off possibly contain? Well, its only Monday.

common names

to all y'all that have common names i'm sure this will not be as exciting for you, but to y'all who don't have common names or common spellings of your names maybe you will share in my child like giddiness. my name is never on any of those pre-made key chains, license plates or tacky tourist propaganda, but today I saw my name in the most unexpected place; at the gym. i was in the locker room at 24 when i saw an advertisement that read "Karli got back to her high school weight." Now lets not get to carried away with that statement, but karli with a "k" and an "i", how unlikely. Its funny to see your name when its not you. I'm sure you common name folks are used to this phenomenon, but i definitely did a double take.

i'm back

I'm back from possibly the best 10 days of the last 365. It started with a sweet time with my family including my ever so amazing sis and grandparents. I even got to see a group of friends from Fox which was an added bonus. Then it was quickly off to canada land for a road trip through the rockies. There were mountains, lakes, hikes, tents, campfires, waterfalls. It was a combination of my most favorite things. It was a little colder than my most favorite temperature, but what to do , I was in the mountains. After the rockies I headed out to my friends farm. Everything is so flat there so its like 360 degrees of amazing sky and wide open spaces. I never realized how much non-city folk like to have campfires. I guess in the city we don't have yards or lawns to have smores or roast hot dogs whenever we want. Being out in the country for a few days made me miss it. It took me back to my roots. Country music, tractors, fields, trucks, and hicks were a little nostalgic for me. Even when i was home there was a consistent flow of maybe 10 cars at this one intersection we were going through and my dad said "There most be something going on around here, probably at the fairgrounds." Sure enough there was something. Those 10 cars, were 10 cars too many for that country road. It made me laugh. I was not in LA anymore.

One thing I never do cuz i'm a wimp is ride roller coasters. Well we went to the edmonton mall which is the mall of all malls, complete with water park, amusement park, sea lions, hotels and everything else in it. My friend and I decided we had to go on the roller coaster which included 3 upside loops. yikes! After we pumped ourselves up we got in line and it appeared we were the only 2 on it so we took the very first seats. another yikes! Long story short, i survived my first upside rollercoaster. It was so intense.

I posted some pics of my trip on facebook or you can use these links:

http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2018649&l=3a0bd&id=98300284

http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2018650&l=481d9&id=98300284

Now I'm back in LA, back to work, back to school, back to city lights and city smog, but i do have some country music on my ipod when i need a breath of that fresh country air.