we haven't lost it all yet

i know posting song lyrics isn't always that creative, but this is the song that inspired my last blog post. i was listening to the song and next thing you know i'm blogging. seriously, its the reason i did. that dang line, "we haven't lost it all yet." and dang the first few lines too. ok there are a lot of good lines that hit home. its a good song and i really like the fray.

Halfway around the world
Lies the one thing that you want
Buried in the ground, hundreds of miles down
First thing that arises in your mind while you awake
Bending you til you break
Let me hold you now
Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Baby don't forget
You haven't lost it all yet
Don't know what your made of
Til the one thing that you want
To come in with the dawn and suddenly changes
Monday, syndicate me, its everyone the same
But all we've lost to the flame
Listen to me now
Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Don't ever forget
We haven't lost it all yet
All we know for sure
Is all that we are fighting for
Baby don't forget
We haven't lost it all yet
Someday when this is over
We mix it up, no answer
For now its when I hold her
We are closer, we are closer
We are closer, we are closer
Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Don't ever forget
We haven't lost it all yet
And all we know for sure
Is all that we are fighting for
Baby don't forget
We haven't lost it all yet
We are closer
we are closer(We haven't lost it all yet)
Now we are closer(We haven't lost it all yet)
We are closer

i'm pleased to introduce

february 3, 2008 - got an email from a social worker at catholic community services (the adoption agency my parents went through), saying she had a letter from a birth sister. a few days later i found out i didn't just have one biological sister, i had THREE older sisters. they are all in korea and married. i have five nephews and nieces. my sisters share the same biological parents. that means i'm the youngest of four! my birth mom passed away in 2004. my birth dad remarried.

August 2008- i discovered i was the family secret. i always joked about that. my birth mother kept her pregnancy from the whole family including my biological dad. he knew she was pregnant with me, but he was away working in saudi arabia because they were poor. she told him that the baby died. in secret from her family she gave birth to me, named me and gave me up for adoption. 1 girl too many. before my birth mother died she told my sisters about me. in her will she told the rest of her family. once my birth sister contacted me last year, they told my biological father that i existed. surprise! since last spring i have been emailing my middle sister fairly regularly.

feb 18th, 2009- i had found out earlier through emails with my sister that i had a cousin who is a pastor at a korean church in san diego. on monday i get a call from him saying that his mom and my mom were sisters. then he says his mother is visiting san diego from korea and would like to meet me. gulp. so sure enough wednesday my cousin's whole family (wife and 4 boys plus his mom/my aunt) drive up from san diego for dinner. i meet my cousin and his family and i meet my aunt. she is a pastor in korea, cute older korean lady that pointed to the blonde streaks in my hair :) she was sweet to me, kept using my korean name. i wish i had more words, but i was speechless. my cousin and his wife spoke english so we all kinda talked as they translated for my aunt and i. i heard the first stories of my biological mother. the hard working generous heart she had, but not untainted by the burden of secrecy she carried most her life. we laughed, cried, took pictures. i assured my aunt the blonde in my hair was dyed, not natural. they told me i looked like my older sisters. they told me they were sorry. i told them it was ok. my aunt left and i said see you again in july.

july 21- aug 3 2009- i'm taking the leap back to the mothership. beam me up scottie. i will spend 12 days in korea with a friend here from fuller. i'm planning on a fun, chaotic, akward, random, amazing, unforgettable time. i'll meet and stay with the family. i'm not sure how much more extended family is out there. my sisters all live in 3 different places, but knowing koreans we probably will all be together the whole time. just imagine that picture above plus me (and my tall white canadian friend).

i wish i could say that there is no more to it than that, but i can't. behind these words, facts, and last year, i have crumbled away into a million pieces. nothing fitting together anymore, nothing being like it should, nothing the way i imagined it, nothing making sense. the internal struggles go beyond words, beyond what i am able to understand. it was not that i wasn't excited for what was ahead, but it was that i didn't want to give up the life i had. the one i knew, understood, believed in, and put my trust in. betrayed by the life i was supposed to be in control of, i refused the love i needed most. i had to be angry, betrayed, sad, hurt, dissapointed, guilty, ashamed, confused and lost. no one could rush me. no one could do it for me. i had to meet my own demise. that i did. but i did in the arms of mercy, grace, forgiveness and love that held onto me even when i let go. now i'm ready to look at the pieces that won't go back together the same way as before. it will have to be something new. i am something new. we are something new. but i will begin again.

journal entry jan 2008 (just before finding out about my birth family).

let it be as You(God) say:
you will be tempted to say its what you have done or be bitter because you don't understand, but you have to trust its my love. the old is going, but its making room for the new to come. the tearing down is for the new creation. you will have my love, you will have me. the old is passing away, your world is falling apart. you will want to ask "why", but ask how I can transfrom it. nothing is to remain dead. trust my love, that i'm there. you will be able to say it was me. you will have my love to rely on, to hold onto. the old is passing away.
Lord you don't ask for what doesn't cost. it is the way i love you. it is my worship. my father, my friend, my savior provide the faith. what looks like it is lost will be found only in you. i refuse to gain the whole world and lose my soul. who am i that i should deny your will and pleasure. i put my trust in you. i hand over my hope. in jesus name, amen.

when i didn't know what to say

to God, I was provided with these prayers on Easter morning:

Almighty God, we thank you for the gift of the cosmic Christ, whose love unleashes in the universe a power never to be eclipsed. May this Christ who crushed death dissolve our inner fears and set free in us that creative spirit which sees the world anew and brings wholeness to your creation. Amen.

Almighty God to you all hearts are open, all desires known and from you no secrets hid. Cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of your Holy Spirit that we may perfectly love you and worthily magnify your holy name, through Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen.

God of all life, crush the tombs of fear and despair that hold us captive, that we may be released into the fullness of life. Fill us with your light.
Water the seeds of justice and love deep within us, that we may grow in generosity and compassion and minister to those who are in need. Fill us with your light.
Shine the blazing light of the resurrection in every corner of our violent lives and energize us for the challenging work of peace. Fill us with your light.
Call this community of faith to build that new world of justice and wholeness for all people; comfort and uphold us on this journey. Fill us with your light.

God of the living, who validated the life of Christ by bringing forth life from the grave, help us to trust your love which is stronger than death and make us agents of hope and healing in your world. In the name of the risen Christ. Amen.

God, of our Lord Jesus Christ, open our eyes to see your hand at work in the world about us. Deliver us from the presumption of coming to the Table for solace only, and not for strength; for pardon only, and not for renewal. Let the grace of this Holy Communion make us one body, one spirit in Christ, that we may worthily serve the world in Christ's name.

Eternal God, great Creator, you have graciously accepted us as living members of your son our savior Jesus Christ and you have fed us with spiritual food in the Sacraments of Christ's body and blood. Send us now into the world in peace and grant us strength and courage to love and serve you with gladness and singleness of heart; through Christ our Lord. Amen.

its exactly the start I needed.

shane and shane

God's been speaking to me at the gym lately. this is what i heard today on my ipod.

"In you"
I sing for joy
In my remorse
A well within prosperity’s curse
That drowns the mighty oak of pride
But feeds the root of God inside.

In You I find my rest
In You I find my death
In You I find my all and my emptiness
Somehow it all makes sense

In You I’m rich
When I’ve been made poor
Comfort found when I mourn
The prideful one You see from afar
Drawing near to low, broken hearts.

In You I find my rest
In You I find my death
In You I find my all and my emptiness
But it all makes sense
In you

aint just broke

shattered into millions
each sharp painful edge
cuts with rage, with regret
empty hands hold the loss
yesterday is gone
today isn’t coming

left with the mess
that I didn’t make
that I won’t touch
I wait in pieces

for you to say
the old is gone
for you to say
the new is coming
for you to say
I will rebuild with
these pieces