its spring!

got my first beach day in, complete with splashing and playing in the water in my clothes.
got my shopping in, new shoes, new clothes, new haircut, new music.
got my cleaning done, scrubbed, dusted, vacuumed.
got and still have itchy eyes, running nose and the sneezes. yeah for seasonal allergies.
i'm getting rid of my winter shade and gaining more freckles.
people are coming to visit to get away from the rain.
three new classes start tuesday.
ten weeks until vacation.

my final four

besides bragging about my alma mater making it to the final four, go bruins! i just have four things left on my to do list this quarter. starting at 6:30 am tomorrow morning, in this exact order...

1. work until 2:30pm
2. finish and turn in final paper # 1
3. 1 hr of blah blah blah
4. work on/edit/redo/finish/turn in final paper #2 (keep in mind though its the last thing, it could take me up til
friday at 1:40pm to complete, but at least not any later)

get your game face on.

*ding* round 1

church was good tonight. God knocked on my heart. funny, i figured he had left by now.
must be because someone else is praying. i'm sure not.
I had stopped listening to all worship/icky God music, filled with lame, mushy sentiments, fluff, fluff, fluff, not grounded in real life. why is all the angry music written by people who don't believe in God? do people who believe in God not get angry? well if that is the case, i don't want your God. i need a God i can curse at, flip off, throw rocks at. if your God is so great, he should be able to take it right? i think people who don't believe in God are better off sometimes. first off, they aren't fake. well everyone is fake, but they are less fake when life is sucky. i think i would rather have bad days, then fake good ones. they also ask better questions, about things that really matter. like, why was my brother was killed? yep that sucks. and sometimes people who believe in God, don't give good answers. they make you feel like thats a dumb question and that just makes you feel worse. i'm sorry to all the people i made feel worse by giving you a stupid answer. i remember one night at a bible study the guy leading it was saying how he thought we as christians, don't challenge God enough. We don't question God when bad things happen or could happen. just after that bible study we found out our friend died in a car accident. i wonder what he prayed later that night? you can't measure faith. some people think how much you read your bible and pray determines how much faith you have. but i don't think so. if you are suffering, then just waking up takes faith. lots of it. i'm going to put my faith in God. if he wants me, he is going to have to come get me. if he wants me to follow him, he has to give me something worth following. i'm not going to pretend to have faith, i don't. if he wants me to believe he cares, he is going to have to do something about the things i care about. real life. i don't think that is asking too much. i'm not going to church, reading my bible or praying, but if what i'm doing is not trying than i'm more lost than i think. i know writing all of this means i'm in for a good butt kicking. but i would take a butting-kicking God over a God who is absent. i'm putting on the gloves...

without you

why can't i have peace that comes without understanding
or joy that greets me in the morning
where is the love that is more powerful than fear
or the comfort for all my troubles
what about the faith that doesn't need to see
or the hope that is so sure
what am i supposed to do without you
i'm not doing well on my own

I'm not sure if its because i'm feeling poetic or because i'm awake with nothing else to do, but i have decided to revisit my blog. As you can see its been a few months since i have been here and the only thing i have been able to muster up is promises that i pray are not empty. "Finding oneself" is so cliche but people go to all sorts of lengths to try and do it. It seems to be characterized by solidarity, adventure, travel, new experiences. Its a time where anything goes, its all out on the table, everything is up for grabs. When one is in the business of self discovery i feel like one opens themselves to anything that is possible in hopes that somehow it will not leave them unchanged. The secret hope in all of us is that when we search, we will find something. But, what happens when something finds you. When rather than being in the drivers seat on the open road of self discovery, you are a ship captain in the perfect storm. The captain defaults back to the basics, nothing fancy, just what is required to survive. There is no time to try new things. Its interesting that both events lead to discovery. Both a free spirit and a tested one hint that we are more resilient than we think, we can face more than we imagine, and we come out better for it, whether we found ourselves or not. I think the point is that we are willing to search because no matter what we find, inevitably we will lose it again.

What is the point of all this rambling? Its ok, i'm not sure either. i'm guess i'm still searching. i had found a part of me in india and then i came to seminary and lost other parts of me. the last year and half have been this constant relay between finding and losing. It has led to lots of changing, molding and shaping. I feel like my core identity is in constant limbo these days. im wanting things to go back the way they were, but that would be living in the past. im wanting to know how it will all turn out, but that would be living in the future. i have people from my past that are holding up the "before" picture and i don't know how much of that part of me is left. i also have people who are holding out what i could be "after" and i don't know how much of myself i would recognize. instead of my life being a still picture that can be captured in a second, it feels more like a mural whose details are being woven together as it takes form. a solution? don't have one. how about instead, an offering. Creator, i offer myself to you in both the roads and the storms. do with the canvas as you desire and will.