wandering

I am wandering.
wishing there was an away
how can I get there,
if i find it can I stay.

I've lost what i wanted
how it is supposed to be
without the solution,
I run from me.

If you pray

if you pray I need courage. Life has changed. the loss was not a premediated offering resulting from a planned and thought out process. the loss is raw. shocking. difficult. a sacrifice. the gain is not a promise or a vision given to a soul searching for more. the gain is raw. shocking. difficult. a sarcifice. if you pray, I want to be brave.

My first hike in California

I don't like to ask for directions so when a friend and I lost the trail on a hike, instead of turning back I forged through onto unknown mountainsides. This led us to a ledge of sorts, but not a flat sturdy ledge made of rock. It was more of a steep slope of sand that quickly turned into a drop off which plunged towards the creek 30ft below. At this point normal people's gut would speak up and keep them from trying to cross this ledge. However, my gut remained silent and my pride cheered me on. After my friend and I crossed onto this steep ledge successfully with determination and difficulty, we decided that the crumbling rock and loose ground was not much to our liking, so we decided to turn back. Graciously my friend allowed me to lead the way as we struggled to maintain our balance and inch our way back to solid ground. I started back, reaching for what was soft crumbling rock that provided little support and then i jumped hoping to land on solid ground. However, I didn't land on solid ground, but on the incline that forced my feet out from me and allowed gravity to have its way. As I'm now sliding down the short slope towards the imminent drop off I reach for the hand of God in the form a short steel pole of sorts sticking up from the ground, that marked the end of the hill and the beginning of a free fall. I was thankful to have a hold of something so solid, but wished it was not as i'm hanging of the cliff. I pulled myself back up and managed to get back to where my friend was and we finally made it off the ledge we should have never tried to cross. If only the story ended there. While we were pondering the location of the trail that would lead us home, we saw people above us that indicated we just needed to go up. Up? yeah right, up the steep, rocky, sandy, unstable mountainside? yes, up that. So with my aderaline still pumping and my limbs still shaking we indeed decide to go up.
Though this time there was no danger of falling off the side of the mountain, there was the danger, i quickly realized of falling down the mountain. As I'm scrambling my way up the slope, attempting to get back to the path it becomes clear that there isn't alot that is stable about the slope i'm now halfway up. My predictions are soon confirmed when the entire mountainside i'm on decides to move down and out from under me. The dry land,the dirt, the branches, the rocks and I tumble back to where i started my ascent. If the near free fall over the cliff wasn't enough, i now have the battle wounds left by a small landslide. But I won't turn back. I won't give up. Finally both my friend and I successfully make it up to the top and onto the wide path that will lead us to bandaids, pizza, a movie and a toast to life.

it rains here

even so cal gets rain and snow. the mountains just behind my house have snow on the tops and the ones a little further in the distance are even more snow covered. today it is raining again, but i won't complain. i'm trying to be a true nwesterner by not using an umbrella. i'm super excited because this week I received kyle's new cd that is full of songs he wrote while we were in kolkata. he is a great musician and his lyrics tug my heart back to india. its an awesome cd! i have had it on constantly since i got it. next weeek is already midterms. quarters go by so fast. classes are still going well. i'm excited about the projects i have in both classes. i love that in grad school the work you do can directly apply to your interests or what you want to do after school. its not like algebra 2. speaking of math i'm a little embarrassed to say that when i help the kids with their math i sometimes forget all the steps of long division or even fractions. how bad is that. well i gotta run off. i'm trying a new church today with some friends. live today with all your heart.