God speaks

do you hear his voice with your ears or your heart. does he tell you or show you. is it always want you want to hear. is it true. when are you sure. how do you know. is it as a father speaks or as a king speaks. are you the only one who hears. are you the only one who doesn't. can you feel it. do you sense it or do you know it. do you question him. do you doubt him. do you believe him. does he use words. does he use gut feelings. does he use silence. do you respond. do you ignore. do you pretend you didn't hear. do you know what he would say. do you know what he wants to say. do you know what he is saying. would you look if he showed you. would you listen if he spoke. would you come if he invited you. would you go if he sent you. would you wait if he asked you. do you know that it is Him?

missing you

this was the last day i saw these beautiful faces. it was a beautiful morning with our dear friends whom we grew to love and long for during my time in india. they are saying goodbye because we are leaving for the states and they are telling us to come again. i wish i could rediscover the simplicty of love and joy that captured me in the slums of kolkata. help me jesus.

taco tuesday

not only is it the first day of class, but its TACO TUESDAY! what is taco tuesday you might ask? well its 49 cent tacos at a little mexican restaurant near echo park. thanks to the directions i got from mari and the cardboard sign in the window, i'm sitting here stuffed with the most wonderful 49 cents tacos. what a deal! last night was my roommate jessica's birthday and we had a blast. we played pool, ate cake and i revealed the truth about my high school mascot. boy oh boy, i don't think i will ever hear the end of it, but for the record I'm proud to be a Spudder. They loved it even more that one of the elementary school's mascot was the tater tots. i mean cmon is there anything better than that? who loves small towns? tonight after some reading and possibly a nap is the conclusion of the Bourne movies. I liked the Bourne Supremacy better than the first one so we will see how the Bourne Ultimatum turns out. I'm so glad that classes have started and i get to see my school friends again.

the real me

when i look back at my last quarter i have to admit it wasn't great. i'm not sure it was even good. on the outside it was as expected, classes were fine, people were cool, etc, but on the inside i was dead. i didn't believe in much, feel much or care about much. i kept striving and hoping that enough of the right things would pull me from my funk. of course nothing did and as time went on i stopped following god, stopped living for him and actually just stopped living. it was depressing, tiring, and pointless. but there was something inside of me longing to be held and loved and reassured. such an ache to be saved and redeemed. and there were glimpes of peace and of his presence. refreshing as just a single drop of rain on my tongue. but enough. enough to make me stay. though i felt i had stopped walking with jesus, i at least did not walk away. i still heard a voice that said, "come" i didn't know how, why i should or even if i could. so all i could do was stop, wait and beg the lord to come to me since i was struggling to get to him. it was a strange time for me. feeling so absent from god's life, faith and spirit. so empty, so dry and it even felt like a waste of time. then finally something started to shift. move. begin.

i can't pin it down or say when or how it began, but i feel different. it could have been when i finally had to admit i didn't want to go back to india more than i wanted god's will for my life. if it wasn't him i didn't want it. i had to let go. or it could have been my time at home when i finally cried at church in his presence and the laying on of hands. i sensed that god cared that i was away and loved me still the same. how refreshing! and it might have just been being away and realizing when i came back i'm here for a reason and on purpose. all of these things would seem to make sense but the truth is it was more of an act of God's mercy than anything i have done the last few weeks. his mercy is a breath of fresh air in my polluted life. so this takes me to 2008. a new beginning. not just a second chance or a do over. but a chance to discover him in my midst and on my side in a new way. new dreams, new ways, new places, new faith.

i feel like i can pray again. ask again. take risks and believe in him again. my all is in him, nothing else. i am not who i was. i want to discover why i was made. it is amazing the power of grace to wipe the slate clean. the way the cross reminds me of my dependence. the way the spirit just needs a spark to start a fire in my heart. in the end it all takes me back to the one who loves me the most.

I love being organized!

School starts again on Monday and i'm truly excited. Today I had the day off so I feel so productive. I finally decided on my classes after being unsure for about a month. I'm taking Culture and Transformation and the Art of Evangelism. The Art of Evangelism I just decided on today, but I was in the bookstore browsing through the textbooks and I thought this could be a cool class. Grad school is so much reading, so i figure if the books look appealing maybe the class will be too. Between my two classes this quarter's library consists of: Transforming Power, Ministering Cross-culturally, Transforming Culture, Breaking Tradition to Accomplish Vision, Culture Matters, the logic of evangelism, Evangelism in the Early Church, Conversion in the New Testament, Holy Conversation and More Ready than You Realize. Sweet huh? I'm honestly thrilled about it. I might even start reading this weekend.

I finally hung up pictures on my wall. They have been blank since well... September. I have never been one for much decorating. I have always wanted to be that type of person, but even so I figured blank walls for the last 4 months was long enough! I also dusted, yes also for the first time since i moved in, ewww. Now, my room is all clean and organized so I feel ready to start school. Last night a friend and I started the Bourne Identity Trilogy. Thanks to a gift card for blockbuster we decided to watch the first one last night and hopefully we will watch the second one tonight. So far I have concluded that I never really watched them before because matt damon is not my favorite. i don't really know why, but I don't think I have ever really liked a movie he has been in. is that mean? I'm not really sure. I guess I'll give him two more chances to win my heart. Speaking of movies for the last 5 years I have gone on a media fast in january. It just means I didn't watch tv or movies in jan and replaced that time with prayer and the word. It usually concluded at the end of the month when each year I would attend Generation Unleashed, a youth conference in portland. Honestly between school and work I have zero time for movies so i'm having to rethink the media fast and try to find something else. It doesn't really matter what "it" is that I fast from as long as it requires sacrifice and is replaced by more time in prayer and time with God. I won't get into the theology of prayer and fasting, but the greatest reward for me in the beginning of a new year is simply being with Christ and making more time for him; praying. listening. learning.

Well friends, welcome to my new/old blog. I can't promise how often you will find me here, but I'll do my best.
peace.

Happy new year!

Happy new year. I'm ready for a new start. A year ago I was in ridgefield, wa on my way to to India and now I'm in los angeles going to seminary. i'm ready for somethng new, something unique, something that takes faith. A year full of dependence and the mercy of the one who loves me. Something I cannot do on my own.