I want to be led, but not away…
Away from
what I think
what I’m waiting for
promises
Away from
what I know,
what I’m preparing for
expectations
Away from
what I see
what I’m looking for
answers
I want to be led, but not away…
I’m not ready to go.
Our lives are meant to be shared. Our tragedies create empathy for others. Our victories give others hope.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
The place you go to forget your past
In my Urban mission class this week, i learned that LA is the place you go to forget your past. This class was just one week and we spent most of our time out in the city visiting ministries, churches and organizations that deal with the issues of urban LA. There was so much squeezed into one week, but i'll try and give you a little recap. In a lot of ways i feel like it was a missions trip to city.
Monday : we learned a bit about the history of LA and the civil unrest following the rodney king incident. our TA has lived in LA all her life and was living in south central when the unrest broke out. it was interesting to hear about it from her perspective and experience. We then learned about Pasadena and urban issues in our own backyard.
Tuesday: we went to the financial district of LA and learned how to exegete a city. this just means observing everything from architecture to trash to people etc. we walked from the financial district all the way down to skid row. the contrast is beyond description and the division between the two worlds is so obvious. we visited the site of the Azuza Street Revival. If you don't know what this is you need to find out because it is amazing. We ended the day learning about the injustice of the juvenile court system. It was angering and heart breaking but the work that is being done was moving and inspiring.
Wednesday: we were in south central LA. we visited a youth center that was started by woman whose son was killed in a drive by. she is the aunt of our TA. her story and faith is amazing. this was the day that gangs and violence had a face and story. we visited a church who primarily ministers to drug addicts off the street. radical and awesome is all i have to say about that. we also visited an influential community developemt organization in the african american community. it is run by a strong, intelligent, motivating woman.
Thursday: we went to the neighborhood where my prof works and lives with a christian order among the poor. we visited in interfaith justice organization. the woman giving the presentation was young and a rabbi. so cool. we met some women who have been transformed through relationship with my professor and her team there. they are people my prof has known for 20 years. she met them when they were just 10 and 11 years old. their testimonies are amazing.
Friday: we heard from the director of another large and influential african american community development organization. we debriefed about faith, justice, policy, stories, transformation, the new heaven and new earth, and hope. we learned about so many issues, causes, and campaigns. i'm wrestling with the pharisee in me, my theology of the other (my enemy), the centrality of the cross, the compassion of God and my own calling to the God of justice.
in my time with God this week through my frustration, anger, grief and desire to act, the Holy spirit led me to a scripture that speaks to all the injustices i could name. it is the most powerful thing i learned all week.
"This kind can come out only by prayer and fasting" Mark 9:29
Monday : we learned a bit about the history of LA and the civil unrest following the rodney king incident. our TA has lived in LA all her life and was living in south central when the unrest broke out. it was interesting to hear about it from her perspective and experience. We then learned about Pasadena and urban issues in our own backyard.
Tuesday: we went to the financial district of LA and learned how to exegete a city. this just means observing everything from architecture to trash to people etc. we walked from the financial district all the way down to skid row. the contrast is beyond description and the division between the two worlds is so obvious. we visited the site of the Azuza Street Revival. If you don't know what this is you need to find out because it is amazing. We ended the day learning about the injustice of the juvenile court system. It was angering and heart breaking but the work that is being done was moving and inspiring.
Wednesday: we were in south central LA. we visited a youth center that was started by woman whose son was killed in a drive by. she is the aunt of our TA. her story and faith is amazing. this was the day that gangs and violence had a face and story. we visited a church who primarily ministers to drug addicts off the street. radical and awesome is all i have to say about that. we also visited an influential community developemt organization in the african american community. it is run by a strong, intelligent, motivating woman.
Thursday: we went to the neighborhood where my prof works and lives with a christian order among the poor. we visited in interfaith justice organization. the woman giving the presentation was young and a rabbi. so cool. we met some women who have been transformed through relationship with my professor and her team there. they are people my prof has known for 20 years. she met them when they were just 10 and 11 years old. their testimonies are amazing.
Friday: we heard from the director of another large and influential african american community development organization. we debriefed about faith, justice, policy, stories, transformation, the new heaven and new earth, and hope. we learned about so many issues, causes, and campaigns. i'm wrestling with the pharisee in me, my theology of the other (my enemy), the centrality of the cross, the compassion of God and my own calling to the God of justice.
in my time with God this week through my frustration, anger, grief and desire to act, the Holy spirit led me to a scripture that speaks to all the injustices i could name. it is the most powerful thing i learned all week.
"This kind can come out only by prayer and fasting" Mark 9:29
Friday, June 20, 2008
my week off
i finished my quarter last week and this week i have enjoyed not having any school work to worry about. i have had time to watch movies, take the bus, and work out. i found a great park and went to the beach. its been nearly 100 degrees this week so i'm thankful for the luxury of AC. its been fun taking the bus/metro and discovering it can take me most places i want to go. i also led small group on wednesday. i forgot how fun it is to pray, prepare, study the word, share, listen to others. i have had some really great time with God this week. I'm glad that he is patient with me and doesn't mind repeating himself. there isn't an area in my life that he has left untouched. last sunday was 1 year since i returned home from India. As i looked back and looked at my life now, my heart was full of questions and disappointments. However, there in the midst of it all I found Him, or rather He found me. i might write more on this later, but a year of burden to "do something" was finally broken and replaced with the grace to receive. To top it all off I'm reading the Ragamuffin Gospel, hopefully the first of at least a couple "fun reads" this summer.
Monday i start again with classes. I'm taking intro to urban mission and i'm really excited about it because the first day is in the classroom and the next 4 days are in the city. It is a 1 week intensive so its Mon-Fri 8-5. I won't be working next week which will be a nice break, but school will keep me plenty busy. I'm afraid it will be so good and yet go by so fast cuz its over in 5 days. I'm really praying that God uses this class.
As I have begun to pray about this summer I feel like it will be full; full of lots of new things and lots of changes. I have already caught myself stressed out by the details, the planning and unknowns but i feel like the summer won't be an accident. God's sovereignty tells me this summer has a purpose. So far this year has been unlike any other and part of me doesn't want to pray for anything more and the other part is willing to submit. It has all been along the thought/word/theme "discover" that the Lord revealed to me in Jan. Most recently through the holy spirit he reminded me that indeed, "The old is going.." I feel like all i can do is hold on and lay still in His hands of mercy.
Monday i start again with classes. I'm taking intro to urban mission and i'm really excited about it because the first day is in the classroom and the next 4 days are in the city. It is a 1 week intensive so its Mon-Fri 8-5. I won't be working next week which will be a nice break, but school will keep me plenty busy. I'm afraid it will be so good and yet go by so fast cuz its over in 5 days. I'm really praying that God uses this class.
As I have begun to pray about this summer I feel like it will be full; full of lots of new things and lots of changes. I have already caught myself stressed out by the details, the planning and unknowns but i feel like the summer won't be an accident. God's sovereignty tells me this summer has a purpose. So far this year has been unlike any other and part of me doesn't want to pray for anything more and the other part is willing to submit. It has all been along the thought/word/theme "discover" that the Lord revealed to me in Jan. Most recently through the holy spirit he reminded me that indeed, "The old is going.." I feel like all i can do is hold on and lay still in His hands of mercy.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
My study break
God what are you going to do when her dad died, her child died, and just this week his grandma had a massive stroke, her mom wants to kill herself, her mom might have cancer, and her grandma died? Not to mention this burden you have given me for him though he committed an act of violence that makes me want to throw up but you still say pray with compassion. Disobedience would be easier if i didn't actually feel compassion and broken over the battle for his soul. I know i must trust your love for those i love, but seriously...I would like to shout at you. I also would like to shout at myself because all I want to do is pray and pray hard, maybe even cry cuz its the only way i can give all this to you and find some relief but i can't because i'm writing a paper.
As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
my one goal
for the evening was to be productive on my paper but...
1 stomach ache + 4 phone calls + 5 hours on the phone w/ friends = 0 paper writing
productive is not all that it is made out to be.
1 stomach ache + 4 phone calls + 5 hours on the phone w/ friends = 0 paper writing
productive is not all that it is made out to be.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I can't decide lately
is it good or just good enough?
am i hiding or are you hiding?
its not bad but is it good?
am i not listening or are you not speaking?
should i rejoice in contentment or discontentment?
do i wait by faith or ask by faith?
am i free to choose or bound by choices?
is it a curse or a blessing?
is where i am where i want to be?
do i need to get away or go through?
would i rather have answers or promises?
what am i looking for?
why am i looking?
am i hiding or are you hiding?
its not bad but is it good?
am i not listening or are you not speaking?
should i rejoice in contentment or discontentment?
do i wait by faith or ask by faith?
am i free to choose or bound by choices?
is it a curse or a blessing?
is where i am where i want to be?
do i need to get away or go through?
would i rather have answers or promises?
what am i looking for?
why am i looking?
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
loss
i can't seem to get away from it these days. another person i care about is grieving today. she had a miscarriage, just a week after celebrating a long and anticipated pregnancy.
no right to pray.
or words to say.
won't tell you i know
how it goes.
why we have it
just to lose it
why we wish it
just to miss it.
tears paint the picture
fists pound the blame
rooms of silence
make good company
questions are the enemy
denial offers sanity
attempts fail to hide
pain wants to decide
love has stepped aside
to guilt and doubt
walk away from regret
lie down in space
sit still together
hold onto grace
no right to pray.
or words to say.
won't tell you i know
how it goes.
why we have it
just to lose it
why we wish it
just to miss it.
tears paint the picture
fists pound the blame
screams come in color
hope melts smaller
rooms of silence
make good company
questions are the enemy
denial offers sanity
attempts fail to hide
pain wants to decide
love has stepped aside
to guilt and doubt
walk away from regret
lie down in space
sit still together
hold onto grace
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