sister, sister

Its finally spring break and i don't like that it is going by so fast. Rach has been here since monday. We had an awesome time at the beach. We played in the sand, went swimming in the ocean and got a little sunburned. We also shopped in hollywood, enjoyed taco tuesday, the park and frisbee. Yesterday while i was at work antonia and my sister when shopping in old town. Much to my disgust the two of them are scheming against me, but don't worry i'm going to get to the bottom of it :). Rach is now visiting with a friend from HS who lives here in socal then heads home on saturday. It was great to have sister time.

Although i still have to work this week I have been able to do something fun everyday. Lent is over so i'm back to watching movies and eating cookies. Perfect timing for spring break. I'm a little nervous about next quarter. I decided to take the plunge and become a full time student. I will have 3 classes, work and whatever life is possible, if any. I just keep telling myself it is only for 10 weeks. For now, i'm going to enjoy the rest of my break and live somewhere between productivity and spontaneity. Bring it on!

maybe it just takes practice

This time we made it to our destination, Inspiration point. This time we followed the sign marked with an arrow that read "Trail". This time when we realized we missed the trail we turned back and found it. This time we made it without having to hang off any cliffs or walk along any edges. But, this time i decided to wear my chacos instead of shoes. This meant by the time we had gotten to the top I had the most amazing blisters on my heels and the sides of my feet. When you have to go back down the mountain another 3 miles whats a girl to do? Well you just keep going. I walked the entire way down, stopping a few times when i couldn't take it any longer with these raw bloody blisters shouting at me "you are an idiot for wearing sandals hiking!" My friend attempted to assist me by asking the hikers we passed for bandaids, but there were none to be found. The ironic thing is that before we left she asked me if she should bring some bandaids and of course i said "no way, we won't need bandaids!" When will i learn? The hike wasn't a complete failure. It was a beautiful sunny day. We escaped the stress of finals week for a few hours. We talked, we laughed, we shared life. We ended the day the only way possible, with taco tuesday of course. We had worked up an appetite on the trail and the tacos hit the spot. I don't think i will hike on the same trails again. I have made my peace with the mountain and it has left its mark on me. I don't need to do it again. I'm done.

my heart checkup

this week was the last week of classes and thursday in my art of evangelism class my professor read a commissioning prayer of sorts to us as we ended class. we all stood up and he spoke this blessing/charge/commission over us. it was just a short pause in the middle of my day to stop, remember and hear why it is i'm truly at seminary. i don't remember any of the actual words that were spoken, but i remember the reassurance I felt and the way the spirit moved in my heart. its true here at seminary that people who start off feeling called to ministry, leave with less spirituality than when they came. i have heard of it happening and i am starting to see the beginnings of the fight to hold onto a living and real God. i have been fighting my own fight against cynicism and restlessness. however, on thursday when we paused from our intellectual and academic pursuits i was reminded by the real and life giving God that indeed is not worried about the knowledge I gain if i don't have the right heart to handle it. the holy spirit offered a little heart check up and asked me, "With the knowledge i have gained and the desire to use what i have learned, has my heart become more open or closed? more soft or more hard? more humble or more prideful? more bold or more afraid? more willing or more hesitant? more loving or less loving? have i become more important or less important? have i gained the world only to lose my soul?" the goal of seminary is not more knowledge, the goal of seminary is more wonder, more fullness and more intimacy.

the search for God

its the confusion you feel when you are searching for something that you can't even believe you just lost. you had it just a second ago. where did it go? you look around not completely convinced it was possible for you to really lose it. you just had it right here. it can't be that lost. it must be here.

its the surprise you feel when you find something that you totally forgot you lost until you suddenly find it out of the blue. when you were looking for it you couldn't find it, but when you are looking for something else, here it is!

its the anxiety you feel when you have just lost something really important. the thought of it never being found creates panic and fear. its the only thing you can think of and worry about. all your efforts go towards finding it. you can't go on until it is found.

its the gratitude you feel after you have exhausted yourself and looked everywhere possible. when the moment you prepare yourself to believe it can't be found, someone else comes along and asks "Is this what you are looking for?"

eternal sunshine

It might just be me, but i feel like its going to be sunny here from now until maybe October? It feels like what i used to call summer back home. I'm not complaining though its great, but it makes homework and class so much more difficult. today i realized that you may not really know what you believe until you really disagree with someone. I realized i have strong feelings about the way i think a certain thing should be, but i didn't realize i cared that much until talking with someone who saw it totally differently. Before i could do anything about it I desired to argue and tell this person they were wrong and i was right. I was frustrated and it took all my strength not to be argumentative. Humility and listening flew out the window and in my heart my opinion became center stage. I'm just a little surprised i felt strongly about this issue in particular.It was nothing really important or life changing. I don't know if I'm right, that's not really the issue. I'm always learning and I attempt to hold truth with open hands, but truth does exist, right? Even if the truth is, it doesn't really matter? i'm getting too philosophical for my own good, back to homework.

stories

we all have them. we love to hear them and share them. they make us laugh, cry and remember. As christians we get used to telling just one story. We call it our testimony, conversion story or life story. But I wonder if our life is really just one story, one journey, or one conversion. Life is certainly not just one failure, or one success or one lesson. Why do we get so used to telling the same story? The world would benefit much more from honest christians. Who like everyone else have failed, have regrets, insecurities and dreams. I think we need to learn to tell our stories, not just the big conversion, but all the little conversions that occur over and over because our need for grace never ceases. How will people know the daily, present, active God unless we share the little victories and the little losses that life is made up of?

I have been reflecting on the Easter story that has become so familiar to me. I have tried searching for it within my own stories of rejection, sacrifice, hope and redemption. As i reflect back on my faith journey and the times i have cursed God, questioned God, shook my fist at God and resented God, I realize He remains alive, loving and accepting. During this season of lent I wonder if all the "little" easter stories would breath life into the all familiar Easter Story. All victories big and small are meaningful. I pray the easter story would invade our lives; not just our soul, but our mind, our heart, our family, our friends, our work, our successes and our failures.