wow, summer is here!

welcome home to 97 degrees, shorts, tank tops, beach days, swimming in the ocean, free concerts in the park, free time. glorious. my first summer vacation has come and gone. home was amazing. the longer i'm in LA the more I realize that I love the Northwest. Such a different pace of life, much cleaner air, parking lots, mountains, trees, real hiking and space. It was party central at our house for my sisters graduation and my mom's 60th birthday. I caught up with who i could, but there is never enough time to see everyone. and of course it wouldn't truly be going home unless it rained, just about every day. it makes us that much more thankful when it does clear and the sun comes out. it was canuck summer fun: the sequel because my canadian friend came home with me and isn't everything more fun with a canuck around? she is also the friend that is going to korea with me so we decided that it will be a trilogy. anyways,i'm not going to complain too much about LA. it has its perks. friends, beach, tacos all in one day. hard to beat that.

summer, I'm coming!

just thought you should know i finally had a chicken salad sandwich and it was glorious. it was the "tuna" i remembered. five days til the end of the quarter and the beginning of summer, ten days until i go home for a week. summer will bring closing, opening, change, transition, change again. but it also means i don't have to go to class until aug which gives me real days off. lots of time to play, to go on adventures, to try something new, to remember the classics (aka taco tuesday). time to live in the moment, live thankful for the present, and live hopeful for the future.

"you were called to peace. and be thankful" Colossians 3:15

i am mad at...

you are a lie
you are joke
you are a waste

let it go
move on
walk away
fall apart

get screwed
throw it back
make it right
start a fight

you aren't worth it
cut it off
give up
you are cursed

you read it
too late
i'll be gone
for good

bury it
leave a stone
go alone

speak it

john 12:23-28
colossian 3:12-17
ephesians 3:16-19

at the start
he was there
in the end
he will be there
after all our hands have wrought
he forgives

oh the glory of it all is
that he came
for the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all

all is lost
find him there
after night
dawn is there

after all falls apart
he repairs

oh he is here
for the redemption of the fall
that we may live
for the glory of it all

after night
comes the light
dawn is here
its a new day
everything will change
things will never be the same

oh the glory of it all is
that he came
for the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all

not tuna?!?!

when i was younger I remembered eating really good tuna sandwiches. They aren't something that i crave often, but occasionally I'm up for a good one. A couple months back, I got one of these cravings. I bought tuna fish but I couldn't quite remember what you mix in. I tried mayo, but it wasn't quite right so I added mustard. Still, not quite right or even that good. As a final attempt I added hot sauce. I figured they make spicy tuna sushi so why not a spicy tuna sandwich. It was edible, but certainly not anything close to what my mom made. We can call this, Tuna Sandwich failed attempt #1. Yesterday, I found another can of Tuna in my cupboard that i must have bought when i had my cravings months ago. I hadn't been brave enough to attempt again until yesterday. This time i asked my roommate and my friend who was going to share a tuna sandwich with me, how do you make a tuna sandwich? mayo? yep. mustard? nope. hot sauce? are you crazy? relish. oh yeah i do remember relish, but i remember dill relish though my roommate suggested sweet relish. celery. yeah i think i have had tuna with celery so i'll try that. salt and pepper. k, sounds good to me. Tuna sandwich attempt #2. I have what i needed except dill relish. when i was at the store sweet was cheaper than dill, so i thought i would follow my roommates recommendation. I thought maybe that would be the secret to the famous mom tuna sandwich. I followed the advice of my friends and I came away with a fairly decent tuna sandwich, but it still just wasn't right, not what i remembered. So what does a daughter do next, but call up her mom and yes, ask her how she makes a tuna sandwich (i am growing up i promise). I explained the whole ordeal to my mom, how i tried unsuccessfully to replicate the delicious sandwich from childhood.

"So Mom, what do you put on a tuna sandwich?"
"mayo. salt. pepper."
"Thats it?? i tried that and it didn't work. i remember relish, dill relish, do you put that in it?"
"i might have, but really i rarely made tuna for you girls growing up, but i made a lot of chicken salad sandwiches.
"CHICKEN?!?!?!" with dill relish?????
"yeah"
"THATS IT, THATS WHAT I REMEMBER!!! IT WASN'T TUNA!?
my mom is now hysterically laughing at me. "nope it was chicken."

this whole time my poor memory thought that great tasting sandwich was tuna, but nope. no wonder why a real tuna sandwich didn't taste right. it wasn't chicken.

twenty six and

i ate yummy indian food.
i am so blessed by friends.
i couldn't blow out all my candles, and there wasn't even 26.
i have enjoyed lunch dates and new music
cards and loving words.
i have laughed at myself and others.
i wrote a paper, finished a book
slept in, went for a run
i have felt loved, known and accepted
i have hung out with jesus
i have worshiped him
i am thankful
i am learning
i am hopeful.

we haven't lost it all yet

i know posting song lyrics isn't always that creative, but this is the song that inspired my last blog post. i was listening to the song and next thing you know i'm blogging. seriously, its the reason i did. that dang line, "we haven't lost it all yet." and dang the first few lines too. ok there are a lot of good lines that hit home. its a good song and i really like the fray.

Halfway around the world
Lies the one thing that you want
Buried in the ground, hundreds of miles down
First thing that arises in your mind while you awake
Bending you til you break
Let me hold you now
Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Baby don't forget
You haven't lost it all yet
Don't know what your made of
Til the one thing that you want
To come in with the dawn and suddenly changes
Monday, syndicate me, its everyone the same
But all we've lost to the flame
Listen to me now
Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Don't ever forget
We haven't lost it all yet
All we know for sure
Is all that we are fighting for
Baby don't forget
We haven't lost it all yet
Someday when this is over
We mix it up, no answer
For now its when I hold her
We are closer, we are closer
We are closer, we are closer
Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Don't ever forget
We haven't lost it all yet
And all we know for sure
Is all that we are fighting for
Baby don't forget
We haven't lost it all yet
We are closer
we are closer(We haven't lost it all yet)
Now we are closer(We haven't lost it all yet)
We are closer

i'm pleased to introduce

february 3, 2008 - got an email from a social worker at catholic community services (the adoption agency my parents went through), saying she had a letter from a birth sister. a few days later i found out i didn't just have one biological sister, i had THREE older sisters. they are all in korea and married. i have five nephews and nieces. my sisters share the same biological parents. that means i'm the youngest of four! my birth mom passed away in 2004. my birth dad remarried.

August 2008- i discovered i was the family secret. i always joked about that. my birth mother kept her pregnancy from the whole family including my biological dad. he knew she was pregnant with me, but he was away working in saudi arabia because they were poor. she told him that the baby died. in secret from her family she gave birth to me, named me and gave me up for adoption. 1 girl too many. before my birth mother died she told my sisters about me. in her will she told the rest of her family. once my birth sister contacted me last year, they told my biological father that i existed. surprise! since last spring i have been emailing my middle sister fairly regularly.

feb 18th, 2009- i had found out earlier through emails with my sister that i had a cousin who is a pastor at a korean church in san diego. on monday i get a call from him saying that his mom and my mom were sisters. then he says his mother is visiting san diego from korea and would like to meet me. gulp. so sure enough wednesday my cousin's whole family (wife and 4 boys plus his mom/my aunt) drive up from san diego for dinner. i meet my cousin and his family and i meet my aunt. she is a pastor in korea, cute older korean lady that pointed to the blonde streaks in my hair :) she was sweet to me, kept using my korean name. i wish i had more words, but i was speechless. my cousin and his wife spoke english so we all kinda talked as they translated for my aunt and i. i heard the first stories of my biological mother. the hard working generous heart she had, but not untainted by the burden of secrecy she carried most her life. we laughed, cried, took pictures. i assured my aunt the blonde in my hair was dyed, not natural. they told me i looked like my older sisters. they told me they were sorry. i told them it was ok. my aunt left and i said see you again in july.

july 21- aug 3 2009- i'm taking the leap back to the mothership. beam me up scottie. i will spend 12 days in korea with a friend here from fuller. i'm planning on a fun, chaotic, akward, random, amazing, unforgettable time. i'll meet and stay with the family. i'm not sure how much more extended family is out there. my sisters all live in 3 different places, but knowing koreans we probably will all be together the whole time. just imagine that picture above plus me (and my tall white canadian friend).

i wish i could say that there is no more to it than that, but i can't. behind these words, facts, and last year, i have crumbled away into a million pieces. nothing fitting together anymore, nothing being like it should, nothing the way i imagined it, nothing making sense. the internal struggles go beyond words, beyond what i am able to understand. it was not that i wasn't excited for what was ahead, but it was that i didn't want to give up the life i had. the one i knew, understood, believed in, and put my trust in. betrayed by the life i was supposed to be in control of, i refused the love i needed most. i had to be angry, betrayed, sad, hurt, dissapointed, guilty, ashamed, confused and lost. no one could rush me. no one could do it for me. i had to meet my own demise. that i did. but i did in the arms of mercy, grace, forgiveness and love that held onto me even when i let go. now i'm ready to look at the pieces that won't go back together the same way as before. it will have to be something new. i am something new. we are something new. but i will begin again.

journal entry jan 2008 (just before finding out about my birth family).

let it be as You(God) say:
you will be tempted to say its what you have done or be bitter because you don't understand, but you have to trust its my love. the old is going, but its making room for the new to come. the tearing down is for the new creation. you will have my love, you will have me. the old is passing away, your world is falling apart. you will want to ask "why", but ask how I can transfrom it. nothing is to remain dead. trust my love, that i'm there. you will be able to say it was me. you will have my love to rely on, to hold onto. the old is passing away.
Lord you don't ask for what doesn't cost. it is the way i love you. it is my worship. my father, my friend, my savior provide the faith. what looks like it is lost will be found only in you. i refuse to gain the whole world and lose my soul. who am i that i should deny your will and pleasure. i put my trust in you. i hand over my hope. in jesus name, amen.

when i didn't know what to say

to God, I was provided with these prayers on Easter morning:

Almighty God, we thank you for the gift of the cosmic Christ, whose love unleashes in the universe a power never to be eclipsed. May this Christ who crushed death dissolve our inner fears and set free in us that creative spirit which sees the world anew and brings wholeness to your creation. Amen.

Almighty God to you all hearts are open, all desires known and from you no secrets hid. Cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of your Holy Spirit that we may perfectly love you and worthily magnify your holy name, through Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen.

God of all life, crush the tombs of fear and despair that hold us captive, that we may be released into the fullness of life. Fill us with your light.
Water the seeds of justice and love deep within us, that we may grow in generosity and compassion and minister to those who are in need. Fill us with your light.
Shine the blazing light of the resurrection in every corner of our violent lives and energize us for the challenging work of peace. Fill us with your light.
Call this community of faith to build that new world of justice and wholeness for all people; comfort and uphold us on this journey. Fill us with your light.

God of the living, who validated the life of Christ by bringing forth life from the grave, help us to trust your love which is stronger than death and make us agents of hope and healing in your world. In the name of the risen Christ. Amen.

God, of our Lord Jesus Christ, open our eyes to see your hand at work in the world about us. Deliver us from the presumption of coming to the Table for solace only, and not for strength; for pardon only, and not for renewal. Let the grace of this Holy Communion make us one body, one spirit in Christ, that we may worthily serve the world in Christ's name.

Eternal God, great Creator, you have graciously accepted us as living members of your son our savior Jesus Christ and you have fed us with spiritual food in the Sacraments of Christ's body and blood. Send us now into the world in peace and grant us strength and courage to love and serve you with gladness and singleness of heart; through Christ our Lord. Amen.

its exactly the start I needed.

shane and shane

God's been speaking to me at the gym lately. this is what i heard today on my ipod.

"In you"
I sing for joy
In my remorse
A well within prosperity’s curse
That drowns the mighty oak of pride
But feeds the root of God inside.

In You I find my rest
In You I find my death
In You I find my all and my emptiness
Somehow it all makes sense

In You I’m rich
When I’ve been made poor
Comfort found when I mourn
The prideful one You see from afar
Drawing near to low, broken hearts.

In You I find my rest
In You I find my death
In You I find my all and my emptiness
But it all makes sense
In you

aint just broke

shattered into millions
each sharp painful edge
cuts with rage, with regret
empty hands hold the loss
yesterday is gone
today isn’t coming

left with the mess
that I didn’t make
that I won’t touch
I wait in pieces

for you to say
the old is gone
for you to say
the new is coming
for you to say
I will rebuild with
these pieces

its spring!

got my first beach day in, complete with splashing and playing in the water in my clothes.
got my shopping in, new shoes, new clothes, new haircut, new music.
got my cleaning done, scrubbed, dusted, vacuumed.
got and still have itchy eyes, running nose and the sneezes. yeah for seasonal allergies.
i'm getting rid of my winter shade and gaining more freckles.
people are coming to visit to get away from the rain.
three new classes start tuesday.
ten weeks until vacation.

my final four

besides bragging about my alma mater making it to the final four, go bruins! i just have four things left on my to do list this quarter. starting at 6:30 am tomorrow morning, in this exact order...

1. work until 2:30pm
2. finish and turn in final paper # 1
3. 1 hr of blah blah blah
4. work on/edit/redo/finish/turn in final paper #2 (keep in mind though its the last thing, it could take me up til
friday at 1:40pm to complete, but at least not any later)

get your game face on.

*ding* round 1

church was good tonight. God knocked on my heart. funny, i figured he had left by now.
must be because someone else is praying. i'm sure not.
I had stopped listening to all worship/icky God music, filled with lame, mushy sentiments, fluff, fluff, fluff, not grounded in real life. why is all the angry music written by people who don't believe in God? do people who believe in God not get angry? well if that is the case, i don't want your God. i need a God i can curse at, flip off, throw rocks at. if your God is so great, he should be able to take it right? i think people who don't believe in God are better off sometimes. first off, they aren't fake. well everyone is fake, but they are less fake when life is sucky. i think i would rather have bad days, then fake good ones. they also ask better questions, about things that really matter. like, why was my brother was killed? yep that sucks. and sometimes people who believe in God, don't give good answers. they make you feel like thats a dumb question and that just makes you feel worse. i'm sorry to all the people i made feel worse by giving you a stupid answer. i remember one night at a bible study the guy leading it was saying how he thought we as christians, don't challenge God enough. We don't question God when bad things happen or could happen. just after that bible study we found out our friend died in a car accident. i wonder what he prayed later that night? you can't measure faith. some people think how much you read your bible and pray determines how much faith you have. but i don't think so. if you are suffering, then just waking up takes faith. lots of it. i'm going to put my faith in God. if he wants me, he is going to have to come get me. if he wants me to follow him, he has to give me something worth following. i'm not going to pretend to have faith, i don't. if he wants me to believe he cares, he is going to have to do something about the things i care about. real life. i don't think that is asking too much. i'm not going to church, reading my bible or praying, but if what i'm doing is not trying than i'm more lost than i think. i know writing all of this means i'm in for a good butt kicking. but i would take a butting-kicking God over a God who is absent. i'm putting on the gloves...

without you

why can't i have peace that comes without understanding
or joy that greets me in the morning
where is the love that is more powerful than fear
or the comfort for all my troubles
what about the faith that doesn't need to see
or the hope that is so sure
what am i supposed to do without you
i'm not doing well on my own

I'm not sure if its because i'm feeling poetic or because i'm awake with nothing else to do, but i have decided to revisit my blog. As you can see its been a few months since i have been here and the only thing i have been able to muster up is promises that i pray are not empty. "Finding oneself" is so cliche but people go to all sorts of lengths to try and do it. It seems to be characterized by solidarity, adventure, travel, new experiences. Its a time where anything goes, its all out on the table, everything is up for grabs. When one is in the business of self discovery i feel like one opens themselves to anything that is possible in hopes that somehow it will not leave them unchanged. The secret hope in all of us is that when we search, we will find something. But, what happens when something finds you. When rather than being in the drivers seat on the open road of self discovery, you are a ship captain in the perfect storm. The captain defaults back to the basics, nothing fancy, just what is required to survive. There is no time to try new things. Its interesting that both events lead to discovery. Both a free spirit and a tested one hint that we are more resilient than we think, we can face more than we imagine, and we come out better for it, whether we found ourselves or not. I think the point is that we are willing to search because no matter what we find, inevitably we will lose it again.

What is the point of all this rambling? Its ok, i'm not sure either. i'm guess i'm still searching. i had found a part of me in india and then i came to seminary and lost other parts of me. the last year and half have been this constant relay between finding and losing. It has led to lots of changing, molding and shaping. I feel like my core identity is in constant limbo these days. im wanting things to go back the way they were, but that would be living in the past. im wanting to know how it will all turn out, but that would be living in the future. i have people from my past that are holding up the "before" picture and i don't know how much of that part of me is left. i also have people who are holding out what i could be "after" and i don't know how much of myself i would recognize. instead of my life being a still picture that can be captured in a second, it feels more like a mural whose details are being woven together as it takes form. a solution? don't have one. how about instead, an offering. Creator, i offer myself to you in both the roads and the storms. do with the canvas as you desire and will.

Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this...
Psalm 37:4-5

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;

your love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not abandon the work of your hands.
Psalm 138: 8

white christmas

I have always had a soft spot for snowmen and this year I got to build one xmas morning. We have some awesome sledding hills, but of course we don't have a sled. I finally made it home xmas eve, thanks to a metro, train, bus and plane ride. We saw our extended family xmas eve, but it snowed another couple inches xmas day so it was just the 4 of us. This meant a lot of turkey and mashed potatoes. We still have over a foot of snow at our house so our driveway and development roads would still swallow my car. The city roads and freeways are mostly cleared so we did make it out in the truck this afternoon and headed to downtown portland to do some shopping. With all that said, it's still my xmas break, vacation from work and time with my family. I still have some good dates coming up with friends, the sis and a whole day of korean adventures (ie food and karaoke) to look forward too.

Dear God,

In 2007, I encountered the world at its worst. I felt its suffering, its injustice, its pain. I looked into its deepest wounds through the eyes of slaves, poverty, the forgotten, the thrown out, the oppressor and the oppressed. I saw the world’s abuse of human dignity; the fallen and broken at their worst. I felt helpless, inadequate, angry, and hopeless. I wanted to know what you would do about this world, how you could still exist. You answered that despite the world, you would remain to be hope, joy, mercy, grace and most of all love. Your love would remain the same even when the subject of your love was at its worst. I discovered your compassion for the brokenhearted, your image in the oppressed and your hope for a fallen world.

In 2008, my world felt apart. My world became confusion, anger, shock, and suffering. Out of my fear, it became my fight. I went head to head with what I hate. I clinched my fists and dug my heels in deep. I experienced my own deep wounds of hurt, pain, and hopelessness. My clarity turned to chaos, my certainty to shame. When I wondered where you were, I lived without you, as though you could not do anything. I lived as broken, fallen, and rebellious as possible. The ‘me’ I had become, I was sure you couldn’t stand. I sat as a prisoner bound by my own strength, capable of nothing I wanted; a failure. But I’m still breathing, and finally surrendering. I have discovered you still remain. Despite my worst, you are still love. Your presence has not replaced all my hurt and pain, but neither has my hurt and pain replaced your presence. It all remains together and with you, it is given a chance to be transformed; to become something new. I am discovering your compassion for my broken heart, your nearness in my suffering and your hope for my failure.

In 2009…