*ding* round 1

church was good tonight. God knocked on my heart. funny, i figured he had left by now.
must be because someone else is praying. i'm sure not.
I had stopped listening to all worship/icky God music, filled with lame, mushy sentiments, fluff, fluff, fluff, not grounded in real life. why is all the angry music written by people who don't believe in God? do people who believe in God not get angry? well if that is the case, i don't want your God. i need a God i can curse at, flip off, throw rocks at. if your God is so great, he should be able to take it right? i think people who don't believe in God are better off sometimes. first off, they aren't fake. well everyone is fake, but they are less fake when life is sucky. i think i would rather have bad days, then fake good ones. they also ask better questions, about things that really matter. like, why was my brother was killed? yep that sucks. and sometimes people who believe in God, don't give good answers. they make you feel like thats a dumb question and that just makes you feel worse. i'm sorry to all the people i made feel worse by giving you a stupid answer. i remember one night at a bible study the guy leading it was saying how he thought we as christians, don't challenge God enough. We don't question God when bad things happen or could happen. just after that bible study we found out our friend died in a car accident. i wonder what he prayed later that night? you can't measure faith. some people think how much you read your bible and pray determines how much faith you have. but i don't think so. if you are suffering, then just waking up takes faith. lots of it. i'm going to put my faith in God. if he wants me, he is going to have to come get me. if he wants me to follow him, he has to give me something worth following. i'm not going to pretend to have faith, i don't. if he wants me to believe he cares, he is going to have to do something about the things i care about. real life. i don't think that is asking too much. i'm not going to church, reading my bible or praying, but if what i'm doing is not trying than i'm more lost than i think. i know writing all of this means i'm in for a good butt kicking. but i would take a butting-kicking God over a God who is absent. i'm putting on the gloves...