i'm pleased to introduce

february 3, 2008 - got an email from a social worker at catholic community services (the adoption agency my parents went through), saying she had a letter from a birth sister. a few days later i found out i didn't just have one biological sister, i had THREE older sisters. they are all in korea and married. i have five nephews and nieces. my sisters share the same biological parents. that means i'm the youngest of four! my birth mom passed away in 2004. my birth dad remarried.

August 2008- i discovered i was the family secret. i always joked about that. my birth mother kept her pregnancy from the whole family including my biological dad. he knew she was pregnant with me, but he was away working in saudi arabia because they were poor. she told him that the baby died. in secret from her family she gave birth to me, named me and gave me up for adoption. 1 girl too many. before my birth mother died she told my sisters about me. in her will she told the rest of her family. once my birth sister contacted me last year, they told my biological father that i existed. surprise! since last spring i have been emailing my middle sister fairly regularly.

feb 18th, 2009- i had found out earlier through emails with my sister that i had a cousin who is a pastor at a korean church in san diego. on monday i get a call from him saying that his mom and my mom were sisters. then he says his mother is visiting san diego from korea and would like to meet me. gulp. so sure enough wednesday my cousin's whole family (wife and 4 boys plus his mom/my aunt) drive up from san diego for dinner. i meet my cousin and his family and i meet my aunt. she is a pastor in korea, cute older korean lady that pointed to the blonde streaks in my hair :) she was sweet to me, kept using my korean name. i wish i had more words, but i was speechless. my cousin and his wife spoke english so we all kinda talked as they translated for my aunt and i. i heard the first stories of my biological mother. the hard working generous heart she had, but not untainted by the burden of secrecy she carried most her life. we laughed, cried, took pictures. i assured my aunt the blonde in my hair was dyed, not natural. they told me i looked like my older sisters. they told me they were sorry. i told them it was ok. my aunt left and i said see you again in july.

july 21- aug 3 2009- i'm taking the leap back to the mothership. beam me up scottie. i will spend 12 days in korea with a friend here from fuller. i'm planning on a fun, chaotic, akward, random, amazing, unforgettable time. i'll meet and stay with the family. i'm not sure how much more extended family is out there. my sisters all live in 3 different places, but knowing koreans we probably will all be together the whole time. just imagine that picture above plus me (and my tall white canadian friend).

i wish i could say that there is no more to it than that, but i can't. behind these words, facts, and last year, i have crumbled away into a million pieces. nothing fitting together anymore, nothing being like it should, nothing the way i imagined it, nothing making sense. the internal struggles go beyond words, beyond what i am able to understand. it was not that i wasn't excited for what was ahead, but it was that i didn't want to give up the life i had. the one i knew, understood, believed in, and put my trust in. betrayed by the life i was supposed to be in control of, i refused the love i needed most. i had to be angry, betrayed, sad, hurt, dissapointed, guilty, ashamed, confused and lost. no one could rush me. no one could do it for me. i had to meet my own demise. that i did. but i did in the arms of mercy, grace, forgiveness and love that held onto me even when i let go. now i'm ready to look at the pieces that won't go back together the same way as before. it will have to be something new. i am something new. we are something new. but i will begin again.

journal entry jan 2008 (just before finding out about my birth family).

let it be as You(God) say:
you will be tempted to say its what you have done or be bitter because you don't understand, but you have to trust its my love. the old is going, but its making room for the new to come. the tearing down is for the new creation. you will have my love, you will have me. the old is passing away, your world is falling apart. you will want to ask "why", but ask how I can transfrom it. nothing is to remain dead. trust my love, that i'm there. you will be able to say it was me. you will have my love to rely on, to hold onto. the old is passing away.
Lord you don't ask for what doesn't cost. it is the way i love you. it is my worship. my father, my friend, my savior provide the faith. what looks like it is lost will be found only in you. i refuse to gain the whole world and lose my soul. who am i that i should deny your will and pleasure. i put my trust in you. i hand over my hope. in jesus name, amen.