I'm not sure if its because i'm feeling poetic or because i'm awake with nothing else to do, but i have decided to revisit my blog. As you can see its been a few months since i have been here and the only thing i have been able to muster up is promises that i pray are not empty. "Finding oneself" is so cliche but people go to all sorts of lengths to try and do it. It seems to be characterized by solidarity, adventure, travel, new experiences. Its a time where anything goes, its all out on the table, everything is up for grabs. When one is in the business of self discovery i feel like one opens themselves to anything that is possible in hopes that somehow it will not leave them unchanged. The secret hope in all of us is that when we search, we will find something. But, what happens when something finds you. When rather than being in the drivers seat on the open road of self discovery, you are a ship captain in the perfect storm. The captain defaults back to the basics, nothing fancy, just what is required to survive. There is no time to try new things. Its interesting that both events lead to discovery. Both a free spirit and a tested one hint that we are more resilient than we think, we can face more than we imagine, and we come out better for it, whether we found ourselves or not. I think the point is that we are willing to search because no matter what we find, inevitably we will lose it again.

What is the point of all this rambling? Its ok, i'm not sure either. i'm guess i'm still searching. i had found a part of me in india and then i came to seminary and lost other parts of me. the last year and half have been this constant relay between finding and losing. It has led to lots of changing, molding and shaping. I feel like my core identity is in constant limbo these days. im wanting things to go back the way they were, but that would be living in the past. im wanting to know how it will all turn out, but that would be living in the future. i have people from my past that are holding up the "before" picture and i don't know how much of that part of me is left. i also have people who are holding out what i could be "after" and i don't know how much of myself i would recognize. instead of my life being a still picture that can be captured in a second, it feels more like a mural whose details are being woven together as it takes form. a solution? don't have one. how about instead, an offering. Creator, i offer myself to you in both the roads and the storms. do with the canvas as you desire and will.