God speaks

do you hear his voice with your ears or your heart. does he tell you or show you. is it always want you want to hear. is it true. when are you sure. how do you know. is it as a father speaks or as a king speaks. are you the only one who hears. are you the only one who doesn't. can you feel it. do you sense it or do you know it. do you question him. do you doubt him. do you believe him. does he use words. does he use gut feelings. does he use silence. do you respond. do you ignore. do you pretend you didn't hear. do you know what he would say. do you know what he wants to say. do you know what he is saying. would you look if he showed you. would you listen if he spoke. would you come if he invited you. would you go if he sent you. would you wait if he asked you. do you know that it is Him?

missing you

this was the last day i saw these beautiful faces. it was a beautiful morning with our dear friends whom we grew to love and long for during my time in india. they are saying goodbye because we are leaving for the states and they are telling us to come again. i wish i could rediscover the simplicty of love and joy that captured me in the slums of kolkata. help me jesus.

taco tuesday

not only is it the first day of class, but its TACO TUESDAY! what is taco tuesday you might ask? well its 49 cent tacos at a little mexican restaurant near echo park. thanks to the directions i got from mari and the cardboard sign in the window, i'm sitting here stuffed with the most wonderful 49 cents tacos. what a deal! last night was my roommate jessica's birthday and we had a blast. we played pool, ate cake and i revealed the truth about my high school mascot. boy oh boy, i don't think i will ever hear the end of it, but for the record I'm proud to be a Spudder. They loved it even more that one of the elementary school's mascot was the tater tots. i mean cmon is there anything better than that? who loves small towns? tonight after some reading and possibly a nap is the conclusion of the Bourne movies. I liked the Bourne Supremacy better than the first one so we will see how the Bourne Ultimatum turns out. I'm so glad that classes have started and i get to see my school friends again.

the real me

when i look back at my last quarter i have to admit it wasn't great. i'm not sure it was even good. on the outside it was as expected, classes were fine, people were cool, etc, but on the inside i was dead. i didn't believe in much, feel much or care about much. i kept striving and hoping that enough of the right things would pull me from my funk. of course nothing did and as time went on i stopped following god, stopped living for him and actually just stopped living. it was depressing, tiring, and pointless. but there was something inside of me longing to be held and loved and reassured. such an ache to be saved and redeemed. and there were glimpes of peace and of his presence. refreshing as just a single drop of rain on my tongue. but enough. enough to make me stay. though i felt i had stopped walking with jesus, i at least did not walk away. i still heard a voice that said, "come" i didn't know how, why i should or even if i could. so all i could do was stop, wait and beg the lord to come to me since i was struggling to get to him. it was a strange time for me. feeling so absent from god's life, faith and spirit. so empty, so dry and it even felt like a waste of time. then finally something started to shift. move. begin.

i can't pin it down or say when or how it began, but i feel different. it could have been when i finally had to admit i didn't want to go back to india more than i wanted god's will for my life. if it wasn't him i didn't want it. i had to let go. or it could have been my time at home when i finally cried at church in his presence and the laying on of hands. i sensed that god cared that i was away and loved me still the same. how refreshing! and it might have just been being away and realizing when i came back i'm here for a reason and on purpose. all of these things would seem to make sense but the truth is it was more of an act of God's mercy than anything i have done the last few weeks. his mercy is a breath of fresh air in my polluted life. so this takes me to 2008. a new beginning. not just a second chance or a do over. but a chance to discover him in my midst and on my side in a new way. new dreams, new ways, new places, new faith.

i feel like i can pray again. ask again. take risks and believe in him again. my all is in him, nothing else. i am not who i was. i want to discover why i was made. it is amazing the power of grace to wipe the slate clean. the way the cross reminds me of my dependence. the way the spirit just needs a spark to start a fire in my heart. in the end it all takes me back to the one who loves me the most.

I love being organized!

School starts again on Monday and i'm truly excited. Today I had the day off so I feel so productive. I finally decided on my classes after being unsure for about a month. I'm taking Culture and Transformation and the Art of Evangelism. The Art of Evangelism I just decided on today, but I was in the bookstore browsing through the textbooks and I thought this could be a cool class. Grad school is so much reading, so i figure if the books look appealing maybe the class will be too. Between my two classes this quarter's library consists of: Transforming Power, Ministering Cross-culturally, Transforming Culture, Breaking Tradition to Accomplish Vision, Culture Matters, the logic of evangelism, Evangelism in the Early Church, Conversion in the New Testament, Holy Conversation and More Ready than You Realize. Sweet huh? I'm honestly thrilled about it. I might even start reading this weekend.

I finally hung up pictures on my wall. They have been blank since well... September. I have never been one for much decorating. I have always wanted to be that type of person, but even so I figured blank walls for the last 4 months was long enough! I also dusted, yes also for the first time since i moved in, ewww. Now, my room is all clean and organized so I feel ready to start school. Last night a friend and I started the Bourne Identity Trilogy. Thanks to a gift card for blockbuster we decided to watch the first one last night and hopefully we will watch the second one tonight. So far I have concluded that I never really watched them before because matt damon is not my favorite. i don't really know why, but I don't think I have ever really liked a movie he has been in. is that mean? I'm not really sure. I guess I'll give him two more chances to win my heart. Speaking of movies for the last 5 years I have gone on a media fast in january. It just means I didn't watch tv or movies in jan and replaced that time with prayer and the word. It usually concluded at the end of the month when each year I would attend Generation Unleashed, a youth conference in portland. Honestly between school and work I have zero time for movies so i'm having to rethink the media fast and try to find something else. It doesn't really matter what "it" is that I fast from as long as it requires sacrifice and is replaced by more time in prayer and time with God. I won't get into the theology of prayer and fasting, but the greatest reward for me in the beginning of a new year is simply being with Christ and making more time for him; praying. listening. learning.

Well friends, welcome to my new/old blog. I can't promise how often you will find me here, but I'll do my best.
peace.

Happy new year!

Happy new year. I'm ready for a new start. A year ago I was in ridgefield, wa on my way to to India and now I'm in los angeles going to seminary. i'm ready for somethng new, something unique, something that takes faith. A year full of dependence and the mercy of the one who loves me. Something I cannot do on my own.

Its 1 year

exactly from my last post on this blog. I gave up blogger, then started my "India blog", but while i was gone, blogger became way more user friendly. On this momentous or not so momentous occasion I'm considering coming back to blogger, but i have this weird type A thing about time. I started my blog at Wordpress on Jan 15th, 2007 so if I'm going to switch back my last post over there should be December 15th, 2007. Of course I can switch over anytime and honestly its less confusing if I just keep my wordpress blog. However, it could just be my "2007" blog documenting mostly India, and my new home in LA. I'm not good at this blogging thing and what if i want to switch again. Oh...the blogging dilemmas.

This blog is where the history is at. I started it before graduation, before nike, before India, before Fuller. Its my record of all the lost and confusing times in college of trying to guess what i would do with my life after college. Of course I never guessed, nike, india or fuller. This blog is a window into my past. HAHA! Now i sound corny. Cmon' folks its just a blog. Sometimes I have time for it, sometimes I don't. There are certainly more important dilemmas in life. In any large or small picture of life do they really matter? Absolutely not. Love matters more, peace matters more, justice matters more, truth matters more, simplicity matters more, the kingdom matters more. So what do i conclude after all this ranting and raving? Will my blog have updates? Will my blog have my dreams? Will it tell you a story? Will it make you laugh? Will it inspire you? Will it be outdated and never read? I have no idea.

I'm humbled

to realize it is I, who needs India, not the other way around.

I like weekends

Ever since I have been working I don't think I have had a weekend that I thought flew by and wished was longer. Weekends are so perfect. There is enough time to relax, have fun, enjoy not working and get things done. This might be because I'm boring, but so far weekends are the best perk to the real world. I finished my 3 essays I had to write on three different books. All the books have been insightful and challenging. I'm actally still reading one of them and its the one that is specifically about Calcutta. There is a slum in the city where the poorest and most destitute people live. The area is called the City of Joy and this book details the stories and experiences of both westerners, christians and the indians who live in this slum. It has been the greatest wake up call to what I'm getting into. I feel like I will never survive what I'm getting into and at the same time I'm questioning how I am ever going to leave the people i meet. The new adjective I have decided to best describe the way the poor in India live and are treated is inhumane. It makes me thing of the death camps in Germany and the jews in the holocaust. The poor and ill in India aren't getting gased and slaughtered, but they are in some ways being exterminated, left to die. Despite all this, the message from the slums in joy. There is no way to grasp that. The Lord has challenged to believe for not just joy, but hope for those I meet.

The thing that drives me the most and terrifies me the most about India is that for the first time in my life there will be no satisfication, no peace, no joy, no compassion, no hope and no love in me except through the power of Christ and the Holy Spirit. There will be no way to fake it, no way to rely on something else or turn to my own strength. I seriously mean nothing else, no other way, totally impossible. There is no humanly way for me to come away from India with any positive experience without fully relying on God and his promises. I will have nothing else and I'm getting the sense there will be nothing to live for except for eternity.

I dropped the turkey

Ok, not really, but I couldn't think of a good title. I'm glad I didn't drop the turkey. I'm sure some unfortunate soul out there did though. Couldn't you just wash it off? I'm happy to report thanksgiving went well here at my little humble abode. It was nice to see my family and the food turned out good i think. It wasn't nearly as stressful as I thought it would be, so that was a relief. It was strange to not go "home" for the long weekend. Usually its a much needed break from school and 4 days at my parents house is a nice breather, but this year people came here for a few hours Thursday and then I had a quiet weekend in my own place. I did make it out shopping for a few things and got some pretty sweet deals. When I shop for new clothes I have to pay attention to the brand so that I can wear whatever I get to work. Quite honestly it makes me buy things that I normally wouldn't or care about the brand when I normally wouldn't. I was in PacSun and I could only look at Hurley things because I can wear that brand to work because it is owned by Nike. I did find some nice sweaters and a hoody so it worked out ok. I really needed some new brown shoes and haven't found any "appropriate" ones so I splurged and bought some cute sketchers. I don't think you can see the brand name so hopefully no one comments on them. I hate being so conscious of what brand I'm wearing. I feel so materalistic. I only have 4 weeks left at Nike. It makes me kinda sad cuz I'm really going to miss it and the people I work with. I really like my job. It has worked out for me so greatly. The Lord has really taken care of me :) I hope I have made an impact for Jesus on the lives around me.

I got some of my books from Amazon that i have to read for my trip. I have to read 3 books and write 3 papers by Friday and then I have to bring 7 others with me. All of them are dealing with Jesus, the poor and his ministry to the poor. I think I have started to believe less in christianity and believe more in Jesus. If we take a clear candid picture of his life through the Gospels I have wondered if Jesus, the man, would even be in my church. I'm starting to wonder. I hope people can tell, not what I'm following, but who...

Thanksgiving, Soccer and Catholics

Thanksgiving:

I don't think I announced to bloggerland that Thanksgiving is at my house this year. Yep, that is right. My family and friends are coming here and I'm cooking. I have learned a lot in the last week about how to cook a thanksgiving dinner. Its been an open training room discussion many times and today's topic was "how many people cook the stuffing in the turkey?" I haven't decided what I'm going to do, so I bought a box of stuffing that can be cooked in the oven, on the stove top or in the turkey. Would anyone like to weigh in on this poll? I also learned there are a billion ways to cook a turkey. I'm not experienced enough to have my own special touch so I'm just going to roast it like my mom does. Its always delicous when she does it so we will see if I can pull it off too. So that covers stuffing, turkey... gotta do potatoes, rolls, my mom is making greenbean cassarole and my grandma is making pumpkin pie. I think that is it...oh yeah and Lefse. (Its kinda like a norweigen style tortilla) There will be 8-12 people over at my place and a 19lb turkey. I'm excited to see how this all goes. Wish me luck.

Soccer:

My end of the year banquet is tomorrow for my soccer team. We are having it in Sherwood and each of the girls gets a certificate, embroidered scarf and a speech from the coaches. Heidi and I were practicing what to say for each girl. I hope we can come up with enough unique things to say about each one so they all feel special. You can only say "and they were a hard worker..." so many times :)

Catholics:

In a conversation with Lacey about Catholics she says, "They are like big into Mary, like you talk to her when Jesus is busy."

Jesus, Name Above All Names

Is it possible to understand the impact and reality of the above statement? I wish I could.

Why now?

Well i guess i'll starting blogging again today. I don't know how many "agains" this is, but its exactly 3 months since my last blog so why not start now. I want to maybe try and keep a blog while I'm in india cuz it would be a good way to share my experiences during my time there. I don't know if that will be possible or if it will be a priority to keep posting, but I can always try. I just realized that in exactly 3 months from today I will be leaving for India; strange.... It doesn't even feel real or like I'm actually going, but I am and I know I can't imagine what it will be like. I do have to read 3 books and write 3 papers by December 1. I'm currently reading The Jesus I Never Knew by Phillip Yancey. I think it is really good and offers a great perspective on Jesus' life and the poor. It faces the fact that Jesus was in the company of the poor and the outcasts, yet in today's christianity those are the people groups most unlikely to step a foot into church. It touches on the fact that the Jesus represented in Christianity today may not be the Jesus we read about in the bible. I would recommend it.

Last time I wrote I had just started coaching the sherwood soccer team and now our last game is this Saturday. I can't believe how fast it has gone by. We have our end of the year party next Tuesday in Sherwood and then I'll be done. Its been a really fun experience and I hope I was able to make a positive impact on their impressible lives. I mean ate age 11 they are at my house eating spaghetti and decorating sugar cookies and at age 15 they will be getting drunk and having sex with boys. Oh Lord help them.

Well i guess that is it for my blogging debut, once again. Over and out.

By the end of August

Life has been cruising along. I will be living in a new place the end of August. Hopefully in an apartment with my sis in SW portland. We found an awesome deal so hopefully this week we will know if it is ours. I have to honestly say that I never saw myself being in the area come Sept. I was willing to go anywhere for the Lord, but I wouldn't have thought i would need to be willing to stay. I have to tell you though the Holy Spirit has been doing some major interrupting. I'm not sure if I have the faith or courage to obey, but I'm not sure I have an alternative. I can be such a fool. The end of August is also my soccer team's first game. We are playing in a tournament in Tigard. It should be fun and it will bring back the memories of the good ol' soccer days. Coaching is fun and one of the girls and her family go to City Bible, so I got to pray with them on Sunday for the team. It was encouraging. I think it will be weird to get off the "school year" schedule." I feel like Fall is starting a new year and season like when I was in school, but my life really isn't on that timeline anymore. A new year was marked by the start of the school year, but now it can be a fiscal year or a calendar year. Up until now the school year was how I measured my years. Its just another daunting fact of the real world. The best of my year, still could come. In 2006 I graduated and ........to be continued...

I just saw...

Robin Williams at Fred Meyer in Newberg. Yep, Robin Williams, yes Fred Meyer and yeah in Newberg. Random...

you can call me coach

My girls decided they want to call me "coach." I told them that they didn't have to, but they wanted to. It was so fun tonight. I made it to the last half of their practice so I met them, their parents and got to play a little with them. It will be so fun to coach soccer. They are 11, going into the 6th grade. I think its like the best age ever. Young enough to automatically love you and old enough to be receptive and follow directions. It should be so fun. I get to hang out with them and help teach them soccer. It will be great. I'm still a little nervous about the whole parents thing. Keeping the parents happy is half that battle, but so far so good. Thursday will be my first full practice on my own with them. 1hr and half with them and boy do they need to get in shape. I do too though, so I'll probably run with them but its still conditioning. I'm so excited to teach them little basic things that will make a huge difference and help them out alot. It will be exciting to watch them learn. The girls there were actually pretty good, i was impressed. They were better than I expected. I praise the Lord for this opportunity cause i think its a wonderful blessing to be a part of these girls lives and get to know their families. Their season will go into November so I get to spend a lot of time with them. God just opened this door and I ran through so you can pray I will be open to opportunities to sow and invest in these girls and their families. I'm so thankful to be able to this. So regardless of Nike I think I should just plan on being here through dec. This coaching position is volunteer, so i will probably have to find another job, but I'm be coaching through Nov. Cool. :) glory to God.

So I thought

I was done blogging. I hadn't written anything in forever and figured it wasn't that big of a deal so I almost decided not to blog anymore. But, EXTRA, EXTRA...today at work this guy came in with a torn ACL and he is having surgery next week. We totally hit if off and so tonight we went out!!! CRAZY??? I know, like "out" on a date, i know wipe that surprised look off your face. How romantic, he's from italy, he's on crutches, but oh well. So anyways there is hope out there for anyone who is reading this cuz he's out there. Well acutally i wouldn't know cuz most of that is not true. Sorry if i got ya. Only in my dreams. But today was great because I did meet a guy from italy, a professional kiteboarder and yes, he did tear his ACL and I really do hope to watch his surgery. However, he is happily married and his wife works for Nike and they are both italian so they are super cool and sweet. He said once he's better ( like in 9 months), he will teach me and my boss how to kiteboard. Sweet huh? Way better than a date! Hopefully I still have that connection, his friend is the #1 kiteboarder in the world. So i have to get him better so I can go. I also might coach a U12 girls select team in sherwood. I'll find out soon about that. I have been really wanting to get involved in the community since I'm out of school and actually have time for a life. I hope it works out. At that age its less about soccer and more about preteen management and keeping the parents happy. :) oh yeah and if you didn't know it looks like i'll be in the area a little longer.

I passed!

I found out today I passed my certification exam. All 3 sections...phew! what a relief. My whole undergraduate career (5yrs, thats a long time) was leading up to this test and I'm happy to report it has paid off. I guess this makes me a professional in the real world. Karli Saathoff, ATC strange...This could very well be the start of the rest of my life, it could go anywhere from here.

"Everybody ends up somewhere, very few end up somewhere on purpose" Pastor Frank

WOGS (Word of God Speak): "I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps." Jer 10:23 "If the Lord delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand." Psalm 37:23-24 "In his heart a man plans his course but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

How come i didn't know?

Thanks to some ridiculous traffic and a wrong turn i went from going to Old Navy on Cedar Hills, to the Streets of Tanusborne instead. It was the best decision of my week. This outdoor mall is amazing. I was by myself after work so i just took my time and bought stuff at GAP,AE and Hollister. Its like bridgeport plus REI and those other stores. There is also a Bella Espresso there with gelato. The onwer/artist of it was my co-leader during my trip to the philippines. He has a Bella at Cannon Beach and was in the process of opening this one when we got back from the philippines. I dropped in to see if he was there, but he wasn't so i had some french vanilla gelato. It was the best french vanilla ice cream i have EVER had. It was the cherry on top of a good day and the start of the weekend. I had no idead this mall was even there. I hadn't really heard of it. Thanks to stephs helpful geography lesson of beaverton i found my way there.

I'm in the midst of a wardrobe change. I have to wear business causal at work, so bascially no jeans, but my boss does wear flipflops. Anyways, the business causal department of my wardrobe is lacking hence the shopping spree today. I couldn't put together 5 different outfits, but i bought a bunch more shirts today that i can wear to work and one new pair of pants. When it warms up a bit more i will wear capris too, but the real dilema is shoes. I dont' like shoe shopping and honestly most people just wear nikes anyways whether they match or not. I could wear flipflops, but it feels unprofessional. Its pretty laid back at work so it probably doesn't matter, but it feels weird. Other then normal shoes i only have one pair of brown shoes and one pair of black both from the dark ages so i need to get up to speed in that department, but shoes are so expensive. Eh....

Well I've been spending too much money lately so shoes may just have to wait. Tomorrow is annie's wedding so that should be fun and then sunday i'm headed home for father's day. if you could pray for courage and faith that would be good cuz at nike i have my answer to " so what do you want to do with your degree or after nike" down pat and honestly it's not really the truth. i beat around the bush and make it sound good. i'm frustrated with myself cuz i want to say, " well i'm not sure i will use my degree right away. i'm interested in going to india to serve the sick, dying and poor and then maybe i will go to seminary next fall." why can't i just say that!!! I'm such a doubting thomas; i'm my own worst enemy, but its not about me anyway. sunday i'm going to my moms church and that question is going to come from just about every person i talk to, i need help. have a good weekend folks.

God-thought: How are you serving?
"For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 10:45

Nike 201

employee store, kid sizes. thats all i have to say about that.

2 pairs of shorts

3 dri-fit shirts

1 soccer jacket