the real me

when i look back at my last quarter i have to admit it wasn't great. i'm not sure it was even good. on the outside it was as expected, classes were fine, people were cool, etc, but on the inside i was dead. i didn't believe in much, feel much or care about much. i kept striving and hoping that enough of the right things would pull me from my funk. of course nothing did and as time went on i stopped following god, stopped living for him and actually just stopped living. it was depressing, tiring, and pointless. but there was something inside of me longing to be held and loved and reassured. such an ache to be saved and redeemed. and there were glimpes of peace and of his presence. refreshing as just a single drop of rain on my tongue. but enough. enough to make me stay. though i felt i had stopped walking with jesus, i at least did not walk away. i still heard a voice that said, "come" i didn't know how, why i should or even if i could. so all i could do was stop, wait and beg the lord to come to me since i was struggling to get to him. it was a strange time for me. feeling so absent from god's life, faith and spirit. so empty, so dry and it even felt like a waste of time. then finally something started to shift. move. begin.

i can't pin it down or say when or how it began, but i feel different. it could have been when i finally had to admit i didn't want to go back to india more than i wanted god's will for my life. if it wasn't him i didn't want it. i had to let go. or it could have been my time at home when i finally cried at church in his presence and the laying on of hands. i sensed that god cared that i was away and loved me still the same. how refreshing! and it might have just been being away and realizing when i came back i'm here for a reason and on purpose. all of these things would seem to make sense but the truth is it was more of an act of God's mercy than anything i have done the last few weeks. his mercy is a breath of fresh air in my polluted life. so this takes me to 2008. a new beginning. not just a second chance or a do over. but a chance to discover him in my midst and on my side in a new way. new dreams, new ways, new places, new faith.

i feel like i can pray again. ask again. take risks and believe in him again. my all is in him, nothing else. i am not who i was. i want to discover why i was made. it is amazing the power of grace to wipe the slate clean. the way the cross reminds me of my dependence. the way the spirit just needs a spark to start a fire in my heart. in the end it all takes me back to the one who loves me the most.