i'm pleased to introduce

february 3, 2008 - got an email from a social worker at catholic community services (the adoption agency my parents went through), saying she had a letter from a birth sister. a few days later i found out i didn't just have one biological sister, i had THREE older sisters. they are all in korea and married. i have five nephews and nieces. my sisters share the same biological parents. that means i'm the youngest of four! my birth mom passed away in 2004. my birth dad remarried.

August 2008- i discovered i was the family secret. i always joked about that. my birth mother kept her pregnancy from the whole family including my biological dad. he knew she was pregnant with me, but he was away working in saudi arabia because they were poor. she told him that the baby died. in secret from her family she gave birth to me, named me and gave me up for adoption. 1 girl too many. before my birth mother died she told my sisters about me. in her will she told the rest of her family. once my birth sister contacted me last year, they told my biological father that i existed. surprise! since last spring i have been emailing my middle sister fairly regularly.

feb 18th, 2009- i had found out earlier through emails with my sister that i had a cousin who is a pastor at a korean church in san diego. on monday i get a call from him saying that his mom and my mom were sisters. then he says his mother is visiting san diego from korea and would like to meet me. gulp. so sure enough wednesday my cousin's whole family (wife and 4 boys plus his mom/my aunt) drive up from san diego for dinner. i meet my cousin and his family and i meet my aunt. she is a pastor in korea, cute older korean lady that pointed to the blonde streaks in my hair :) she was sweet to me, kept using my korean name. i wish i had more words, but i was speechless. my cousin and his wife spoke english so we all kinda talked as they translated for my aunt and i. i heard the first stories of my biological mother. the hard working generous heart she had, but not untainted by the burden of secrecy she carried most her life. we laughed, cried, took pictures. i assured my aunt the blonde in my hair was dyed, not natural. they told me i looked like my older sisters. they told me they were sorry. i told them it was ok. my aunt left and i said see you again in july.

july 21- aug 3 2009- i'm taking the leap back to the mothership. beam me up scottie. i will spend 12 days in korea with a friend here from fuller. i'm planning on a fun, chaotic, akward, random, amazing, unforgettable time. i'll meet and stay with the family. i'm not sure how much more extended family is out there. my sisters all live in 3 different places, but knowing koreans we probably will all be together the whole time. just imagine that picture above plus me (and my tall white canadian friend).

i wish i could say that there is no more to it than that, but i can't. behind these words, facts, and last year, i have crumbled away into a million pieces. nothing fitting together anymore, nothing being like it should, nothing the way i imagined it, nothing making sense. the internal struggles go beyond words, beyond what i am able to understand. it was not that i wasn't excited for what was ahead, but it was that i didn't want to give up the life i had. the one i knew, understood, believed in, and put my trust in. betrayed by the life i was supposed to be in control of, i refused the love i needed most. i had to be angry, betrayed, sad, hurt, dissapointed, guilty, ashamed, confused and lost. no one could rush me. no one could do it for me. i had to meet my own demise. that i did. but i did in the arms of mercy, grace, forgiveness and love that held onto me even when i let go. now i'm ready to look at the pieces that won't go back together the same way as before. it will have to be something new. i am something new. we are something new. but i will begin again.

journal entry jan 2008 (just before finding out about my birth family).

let it be as You(God) say:
you will be tempted to say its what you have done or be bitter because you don't understand, but you have to trust its my love. the old is going, but its making room for the new to come. the tearing down is for the new creation. you will have my love, you will have me. the old is passing away, your world is falling apart. you will want to ask "why", but ask how I can transfrom it. nothing is to remain dead. trust my love, that i'm there. you will be able to say it was me. you will have my love to rely on, to hold onto. the old is passing away.
Lord you don't ask for what doesn't cost. it is the way i love you. it is my worship. my father, my friend, my savior provide the faith. what looks like it is lost will be found only in you. i refuse to gain the whole world and lose my soul. who am i that i should deny your will and pleasure. i put my trust in you. i hand over my hope. in jesus name, amen.

when i didn't know what to say

to God, I was provided with these prayers on Easter morning:

Almighty God, we thank you for the gift of the cosmic Christ, whose love unleashes in the universe a power never to be eclipsed. May this Christ who crushed death dissolve our inner fears and set free in us that creative spirit which sees the world anew and brings wholeness to your creation. Amen.

Almighty God to you all hearts are open, all desires known and from you no secrets hid. Cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of your Holy Spirit that we may perfectly love you and worthily magnify your holy name, through Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen.

God of all life, crush the tombs of fear and despair that hold us captive, that we may be released into the fullness of life. Fill us with your light.
Water the seeds of justice and love deep within us, that we may grow in generosity and compassion and minister to those who are in need. Fill us with your light.
Shine the blazing light of the resurrection in every corner of our violent lives and energize us for the challenging work of peace. Fill us with your light.
Call this community of faith to build that new world of justice and wholeness for all people; comfort and uphold us on this journey. Fill us with your light.

God of the living, who validated the life of Christ by bringing forth life from the grave, help us to trust your love which is stronger than death and make us agents of hope and healing in your world. In the name of the risen Christ. Amen.

God, of our Lord Jesus Christ, open our eyes to see your hand at work in the world about us. Deliver us from the presumption of coming to the Table for solace only, and not for strength; for pardon only, and not for renewal. Let the grace of this Holy Communion make us one body, one spirit in Christ, that we may worthily serve the world in Christ's name.

Eternal God, great Creator, you have graciously accepted us as living members of your son our savior Jesus Christ and you have fed us with spiritual food in the Sacraments of Christ's body and blood. Send us now into the world in peace and grant us strength and courage to love and serve you with gladness and singleness of heart; through Christ our Lord. Amen.

its exactly the start I needed.

shane and shane

God's been speaking to me at the gym lately. this is what i heard today on my ipod.

"In you"
I sing for joy
In my remorse
A well within prosperity’s curse
That drowns the mighty oak of pride
But feeds the root of God inside.

In You I find my rest
In You I find my death
In You I find my all and my emptiness
Somehow it all makes sense

In You I’m rich
When I’ve been made poor
Comfort found when I mourn
The prideful one You see from afar
Drawing near to low, broken hearts.

In You I find my rest
In You I find my death
In You I find my all and my emptiness
But it all makes sense
In you

aint just broke

shattered into millions
each sharp painful edge
cuts with rage, with regret
empty hands hold the loss
yesterday is gone
today isn’t coming

left with the mess
that I didn’t make
that I won’t touch
I wait in pieces

for you to say
the old is gone
for you to say
the new is coming
for you to say
I will rebuild with
these pieces

its spring!

got my first beach day in, complete with splashing and playing in the water in my clothes.
got my shopping in, new shoes, new clothes, new haircut, new music.
got my cleaning done, scrubbed, dusted, vacuumed.
got and still have itchy eyes, running nose and the sneezes. yeah for seasonal allergies.
i'm getting rid of my winter shade and gaining more freckles.
people are coming to visit to get away from the rain.
three new classes start tuesday.
ten weeks until vacation.

my final four

besides bragging about my alma mater making it to the final four, go bruins! i just have four things left on my to do list this quarter. starting at 6:30 am tomorrow morning, in this exact order...

1. work until 2:30pm
2. finish and turn in final paper # 1
3. 1 hr of blah blah blah
4. work on/edit/redo/finish/turn in final paper #2 (keep in mind though its the last thing, it could take me up til
friday at 1:40pm to complete, but at least not any later)

get your game face on.

*ding* round 1

church was good tonight. God knocked on my heart. funny, i figured he had left by now.
must be because someone else is praying. i'm sure not.
I had stopped listening to all worship/icky God music, filled with lame, mushy sentiments, fluff, fluff, fluff, not grounded in real life. why is all the angry music written by people who don't believe in God? do people who believe in God not get angry? well if that is the case, i don't want your God. i need a God i can curse at, flip off, throw rocks at. if your God is so great, he should be able to take it right? i think people who don't believe in God are better off sometimes. first off, they aren't fake. well everyone is fake, but they are less fake when life is sucky. i think i would rather have bad days, then fake good ones. they also ask better questions, about things that really matter. like, why was my brother was killed? yep that sucks. and sometimes people who believe in God, don't give good answers. they make you feel like thats a dumb question and that just makes you feel worse. i'm sorry to all the people i made feel worse by giving you a stupid answer. i remember one night at a bible study the guy leading it was saying how he thought we as christians, don't challenge God enough. We don't question God when bad things happen or could happen. just after that bible study we found out our friend died in a car accident. i wonder what he prayed later that night? you can't measure faith. some people think how much you read your bible and pray determines how much faith you have. but i don't think so. if you are suffering, then just waking up takes faith. lots of it. i'm going to put my faith in God. if he wants me, he is going to have to come get me. if he wants me to follow him, he has to give me something worth following. i'm not going to pretend to have faith, i don't. if he wants me to believe he cares, he is going to have to do something about the things i care about. real life. i don't think that is asking too much. i'm not going to church, reading my bible or praying, but if what i'm doing is not trying than i'm more lost than i think. i know writing all of this means i'm in for a good butt kicking. but i would take a butting-kicking God over a God who is absent. i'm putting on the gloves...

without you

why can't i have peace that comes without understanding
or joy that greets me in the morning
where is the love that is more powerful than fear
or the comfort for all my troubles
what about the faith that doesn't need to see
or the hope that is so sure
what am i supposed to do without you
i'm not doing well on my own

I'm not sure if its because i'm feeling poetic or because i'm awake with nothing else to do, but i have decided to revisit my blog. As you can see its been a few months since i have been here and the only thing i have been able to muster up is promises that i pray are not empty. "Finding oneself" is so cliche but people go to all sorts of lengths to try and do it. It seems to be characterized by solidarity, adventure, travel, new experiences. Its a time where anything goes, its all out on the table, everything is up for grabs. When one is in the business of self discovery i feel like one opens themselves to anything that is possible in hopes that somehow it will not leave them unchanged. The secret hope in all of us is that when we search, we will find something. But, what happens when something finds you. When rather than being in the drivers seat on the open road of self discovery, you are a ship captain in the perfect storm. The captain defaults back to the basics, nothing fancy, just what is required to survive. There is no time to try new things. Its interesting that both events lead to discovery. Both a free spirit and a tested one hint that we are more resilient than we think, we can face more than we imagine, and we come out better for it, whether we found ourselves or not. I think the point is that we are willing to search because no matter what we find, inevitably we will lose it again.

What is the point of all this rambling? Its ok, i'm not sure either. i'm guess i'm still searching. i had found a part of me in india and then i came to seminary and lost other parts of me. the last year and half have been this constant relay between finding and losing. It has led to lots of changing, molding and shaping. I feel like my core identity is in constant limbo these days. im wanting things to go back the way they were, but that would be living in the past. im wanting to know how it will all turn out, but that would be living in the future. i have people from my past that are holding up the "before" picture and i don't know how much of that part of me is left. i also have people who are holding out what i could be "after" and i don't know how much of myself i would recognize. instead of my life being a still picture that can be captured in a second, it feels more like a mural whose details are being woven together as it takes form. a solution? don't have one. how about instead, an offering. Creator, i offer myself to you in both the roads and the storms. do with the canvas as you desire and will.

Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this...
Psalm 37:4-5

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;

your love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not abandon the work of your hands.
Psalm 138: 8

white christmas

I have always had a soft spot for snowmen and this year I got to build one xmas morning. We have some awesome sledding hills, but of course we don't have a sled. I finally made it home xmas eve, thanks to a metro, train, bus and plane ride. We saw our extended family xmas eve, but it snowed another couple inches xmas day so it was just the 4 of us. This meant a lot of turkey and mashed potatoes. We still have over a foot of snow at our house so our driveway and development roads would still swallow my car. The city roads and freeways are mostly cleared so we did make it out in the truck this afternoon and headed to downtown portland to do some shopping. With all that said, it's still my xmas break, vacation from work and time with my family. I still have some good dates coming up with friends, the sis and a whole day of korean adventures (ie food and karaoke) to look forward too.

Dear God,

In 2007, I encountered the world at its worst. I felt its suffering, its injustice, its pain. I looked into its deepest wounds through the eyes of slaves, poverty, the forgotten, the thrown out, the oppressor and the oppressed. I saw the world’s abuse of human dignity; the fallen and broken at their worst. I felt helpless, inadequate, angry, and hopeless. I wanted to know what you would do about this world, how you could still exist. You answered that despite the world, you would remain to be hope, joy, mercy, grace and most of all love. Your love would remain the same even when the subject of your love was at its worst. I discovered your compassion for the brokenhearted, your image in the oppressed and your hope for a fallen world.

In 2008, my world felt apart. My world became confusion, anger, shock, and suffering. Out of my fear, it became my fight. I went head to head with what I hate. I clinched my fists and dug my heels in deep. I experienced my own deep wounds of hurt, pain, and hopelessness. My clarity turned to chaos, my certainty to shame. When I wondered where you were, I lived without you, as though you could not do anything. I lived as broken, fallen, and rebellious as possible. The ‘me’ I had become, I was sure you couldn’t stand. I sat as a prisoner bound by my own strength, capable of nothing I wanted; a failure. But I’m still breathing, and finally surrendering. I have discovered you still remain. Despite my worst, you are still love. Your presence has not replaced all my hurt and pain, but neither has my hurt and pain replaced your presence. It all remains together and with you, it is given a chance to be transformed; to become something new. I am discovering your compassion for my broken heart, your nearness in my suffering and your hope for my failure.

In 2009…

not what, but who

Lord...
you, not me
yours, not mine
amen.

lyrics

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong,
but she still sleeps with her light on,
and she acts like It's all right on,
as she smiles again
her mother lies there sick with cancer,
and her friends don't understand her,
she's a question without answers,
who feels like falling apart.
She knows,
she's so much more than worthless,
but she needs to find her purpose,
she wonders what she did to deserve this and..

She's calling out to you, this is a call;
this is a call out,'Cause everytime I fall down,
I reach out to you,
and I'm losing all control now,
and my hazard signs are all out,
I'm asking you,
to show me what this life is all about.

He tells everyone a story,
because he thinks his life is boring,
and he fights so you won't ignore him,
because that's his biggest fear,
and he cries,but you'll rarely see him do it.
He loves, but he's scared to use it.
So he hides behind the music,
'cause he likes it that way.
He knows,
He's so much more than worthless,
he needs to find the surface,
because he's starting to get nervous.

Have you ever felt this way before?
'cause I don't wanna hide here anymore.
Take me to place where nothing's wrong
and thanks for coming, shut the door.
They say someone out there sees us,
Well if you're real then save me Jesus,'
cause I've been here for far too long.
I wasn't meant to feel alone.

--Thousand Foot Krutch

newberg?!?

this isn't the first time newberg has had a brush with fame. the first was when i saw robin williams at fred meyer, but this time newberg made it on national tv!! more specifically, Tilikum. if you didn't have at least one retreat or camp experience there then you didn't go to Fox. Portland was the final destination on the Amazing Race season finale and the contestants had to do part of the high ropes course at Tilikum for their clue. check out the episode, its online. PDX, the gorge, the bridge of the gods, downtown, and pittock mansion all had cameo appearances. i thought it was fun. i miss the nw. i'll be home soon.

done right :)

turkey
real mashed potatoes
real gravy
stuffing
green bean casserole
corn casserole
little smokey's
broccoli salad
corn bread
sweet potatoes
pumpkin pie
pumpkin tort
chocolate cake
beer
champagne
sweet tea
coffee
football
texans
washingtonians
canadians
asians

plus most of the food (including the turkey) was donated in a thanksgiving basket one of our friends got from school. how cool is that? we just split it all up and everyone cooked and brought something. good job everyone, we would have made our moms proud.

nothing left

I have been bound
By his hands my sins are woven together,
the Lord has sapped my strength,
he has handed me over
to those I cannot withstand.

The Lord has rejected me

my eyes overflow with tears
no one is near to comfort me
no one to restore my spirit.
they betrayed me.

See O Lord how distressed I am
I am in torment within
in my heart disturbed
for I have been most rebellious
inside there is only death.

Let me sit alone in silence
Let me be filled with disgrace
Let me bury my face
Let me offer my cheek to
the one who would strike

He has broken me,
He has trampled me,
I have been deprived of peace,
I have been forgotten
Gone is all that I had hoped from the Lord.

I have nothing left.

If you are love, embrace me.
If you are peace, comfort me.
If you are mercy, cover me.
If you are grace, redeem me
If you are God, do not hide your face.
If you are coming, do not delay.

apparently i have been here before

some old thoughts from a different time, but maybe the same season.

who hears your scream, when you don't even make a sound?
when all your tears inside, never hit the ground
who is there when nothing makes it go away?
when nothing changes, no matter what they say
who can hold your breaking heart?
the moment a million pieces tear it apart
who can touch the part, you will never show?
when you are alone and no one else will know
who will carry your burdens, when they are pressing in?
so you can lift your head to see the way again
who sees the wounds opened by fear and shame?
when healing takes too much time and too much pain
who is there when you are ready to be done?
just Him forever, there is only one


Can a person that never cries become the one who needs to cry the most?
Can the person everyone thought was strong enough be the weakest of us all?
Can an empty heart avoid being filled with bitterness and anger?
Can you be struggling and battling, but not against flesh and blood?
Can people forget who they thought you were and love you as you are?
If you have convinced yourself you don't need anyone can God change your mind?
Lord what can you do with me?

waiting

waiting...

for space
to create
to express

for space
to question
the past
the future

for space
to think
to know
to feel

anything.
everything.