widows and orphans

before i saw your eyes
i answered
before you even asked
i decided
in my heart not to give
you a chance
listening ear
or helping hand

no love to share
time to offer
comfort to sacrifice
i pray
i didn't
look like the one
i follow

i cursed you with the tongue
i reserve for blessing
you found the pharisee
in me, the logging truck
in my eye

forgive me sister,
my heart grieves for the
lost chance
with deep shame, i beg for mercy
that you and your daughter
were entertained by angels

God deal with me
justly.
honestly.
keep my mouth from speaking

before my heart decides
by your grace to always
give
value
to who you value

family is...

the ones who know exactly what makes you laugh
the ones who know exactly what makes you mad
the ones who have been there through all life stages,
especially the akward middle school yrs and terrible haircuts
the ones who will return your presents with no shame
the ones who you fight with because you love so much
the ones who always repeat your embarassing childhood stories when guests are around
the ones who tell you its ok to dream of being the first woman in the NBA and NFL
the ones who laugh at you even when you are trying to be serious
the ones who make sure you don't go hungry and the oil in your car has been changed
the ones who you want around when you are sick
the ones you miss during the holidays
the ones you go home to
the ones who love you no matter what
the ones you are proud to call family.

hi family!

today i am celebrating me. well not really, me, but i'm celebrating having a family. today 26 years ago my parents became parents. I arrived fresh off the plane from korea into the loving arms of my mom and dad. being adopted kinda means you have two birthdays. today i will celebrate being a "saathoff". people look at me down here and think my last name should be kim, lee, kwon, anything asian, but its not, saathoff's are from texas. this is a special day for me and my family. so a shout out to my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, my favorite baby sis, my wonderful mom and dad. no nieces or nephews yet, boo, you better get on that. here's to pac 10 football, the portland trailblazers, fishing at buoy 10, egg nog cake, chocolate zucchini bread, "chicken tuna" sandwiches, my mom's amazing hospitality, my dad's generosity, my sister's laugh. cheers to my family who makes me, me.

deep breath

"In order to be at peace, it is necessary to feel a sense of history - that you are both part of what has come before and part of what is yet to come. Being surrounded, you not alone; and the sense of urgency that pervades the present is put in perspective: Do not frivolously use time that is yours to spend. Cherish it, that each day may bring forth new growth, insight and awareness. Never allow a day to pass that did not add to what was understood before. Let each day be a stone in the path of growth. Do not rest until what been intended has been done. But remember - go as slowly as is necessary in order to sustain a steady pace; do not expand energy in waste. Finally do not allow the illusory urgencies of the immediate to distract you from your vision of the eternal." In Spiritual Crisis: surviving trauma to the soul.

casuality in the country

this greeted me at the front door.
first, i screamed, then i couldn't stop laughing. poor guy!

people in socal

...don't carve pumpkins for halloween. how do i know? well, a friend and I both come from a place where you do carve pumpkins so we thought we would bring some of the halloween cheer down south. what happens to carved pumpkins in southern california, the heat melts them and mushifies them in two days. i already had to put jack the softie in the dumpster.

...go through the dirtiest windstorms. we have windstorms, but not windstorms that turn the horizon and air brown. my roommate and i tried to walk to the store, but we were attacked by the first tree we came to. we turned around with dirt in our eyes, leaves in our hair and headed for the car.

paralyzed

When I couldn’t move
Your prayers
Kept me
In His reach

When I couldn’t speak
Your words
Fell on
His ears

When I couldn’t reach
Your hands
Grabbed onto
To His.

When I couldn’t believe
Your steps
Walked me
Towards Him.

When we couldn’t
Your love
Left me
at His feet

It is your prayers
That lowered me
Before a
God that heals.

thought of the day

you can have community, but not use it. and until you use it, it isn't really community. but once you use it, then you have people. and having people is a big deal. everyone shoud have people.

so fresh and clean, clean

i spent the last few hours deep cleaning my apartment. i get so messy when i live alone. i started in the bathroom and covered the kitchen, living room and bedroom. I reorganized some of my things to make sure the new roomie has plenty of room. She is going to think I'm so anal cuz all my stuff is on one side of the room. I swear its ok if it isn't symmetrical. I got to go to the beach today for work. The weather was perfect; warm but breezy. My face even got a little sunburned. Tomorrow my new roomie comes so i'm excited about that. It will be nice to have some company, but of course its the last week of summer class and i have a paper and final exam due. This class feels like it has drug on all summer so it will be nice to get it done, but i'll probably have to be the bum roommate who is studying. After that though, a friend from home is coming to visit for a few days. I really want to check out this beach spot my coworker told me about. Its a bit elusive to the newcomer, but I hear its worth the adventure.

Have i told you about my neighbors? They are from northeast India and they are the sweetest. They just moved in this summer. It is a couple and their son who is in high school. They remind me of india. They always invite me to stay and eat or have tea. Instead of saying "here" or "there", they say "this side" or "that side". When they mean homey, like comfortable, they say "homely" and if they go out to eat they say they "ate outside." But besides the fun english we are becoming fast friends. They cook for me and make me wonderful tea. I drive them to costco or the store and drop them off for appointments. Like, next week I'm taking their son to the doctors and then to school. how cute. but really these people are amazing. they love jesus. they are invited to speak like everywhere. they have a heart for the church and for the poor and for india. and when they pray, watch out. really, i think they are great. its been a blessing to have them so close since living on my own this last month.

if you pray, could you pray for some good reflection/process time before classes start up again. I feel like God wants to say something, but i'm still in the other room shouting, "coming, coming." i need to make time and be open. this summer has been a ride. i don't know if its a new season, but its a new school year and my last one i think. so if you don't mind joining my prayer through this year...

Lord, you not me.
yours, not mine.

we are better, together

we are raising money for my friend. She is going to India in just over a week to work with a development agency who is working with the poor in both urban and rural settings. She will be there for 3 months. God has opened some amazing doors so far, so we are relying on his faithfulness. My friend's passport was lost by the Indian visa people and just found today so we are praying that she can still receive her visa to India in time.

If you ever had to raise money for a missions trip, you are aware of the frustrations and the blessings that come with it. I want my friend to know that she is not alone. For anyone to do missions or ask people to support their work, is an invitation to join what God is doing around the world. God can use your money for his glory.

I know I have amazing and generous friends. I have been supported in so many ways by all of you. So yes, i'm asking if you would possibly help someone who you might not even know, but i'm asking because she is family to me. And she is willing and able to serve the poor in India. And i believe in the work God is doing in her life. pray first. don't give without prayer and don't decide without praying. then, keep praying...

scheduled departure date: September 16th

funds needed: $3000

want to help?

i'm not a fool

i'm not a fool.
i've made mistakes.
but I’m not one

been down the dark road
hid there, laid there, died there
the past is my conscience
you shouldn’t, you can’t

there is enough to
prove truth beats fact
to get off the one way track

i’m not a fool
I’ve made mistakes
but I’m not one.

hindsight might be clear
this vision is distorted
we see different
who counts loses

who keeps faith
uses regret as a crystal ball
who trusts who

lacking my own
will your words
stand in, say

i’m not a fool
i’ve made mistakes
but I’m not one.

toooo hoooooot

105 degress is toooo hot
wildfires are toooo hot.
apt without ac is toooo hot.
tooooo hot to study, so i played wii for 2 1/2 hours.
tooo hot to cook, so i ate sushi with a friend.
toooo hot means dry skin, dry eyes, bloody noses.
i did go bowling today at work. good toooo hot activity.
its toooo hot to sleep in my bedroom.
but not toooo hot for ice cream.

the ironic thing is

i posted this picture, but then i started wondering if it was an accurate representation of where I would be "off finding myself." don't get me wrong I will always be a mountain/lake girl, but the place i would actively search and expect to "find myself" would not be at an isolated lake at the end of a mountain hike. I feel like i would have better luck on a street corner or in a slum somewhere around the world. i have been refreshed by nature so many times. the cool fresh air, the sweaty physical challenge, the beautiful scenery, but where was I when i momentarily felt like i "found" a part of me? well, no where close to clean air. it was inside a slum sitting on dirt, sweating my face off, listening intently to another language, playing, watching, hugging, holding the cutest kids ever. i was thinking to myself if i didn't ever leave this exact moment, or if i never experienced anything after this moment, i had found my deepest joy. i had connected with the deepest meaning of life.

there was also this time in kolkata when i just returned from a week in bangalore. we had gotten back the day before and had a day off before our week started up again. i chose to hop on the bus and go visit my dearest friends in the slum. they were so surprised to see me because i visited at a different time than usual, but they were so overjoyed i came to say hello. it was the heat of the day so they insisted that i sat with them outside their home. the small path in front of their home was too dirty for even them to rest on, so they made sure i was comfortable on this large sack of garbage that sat about 3 feet tall. a few minutes into our conversation my friend brought something a little more firm to sit on so we sat together this small piece that kept us just off the ground. it teetered with our weight as we shared the last week's events. suddenly they suggested something cold to drink, so i offered to buy ice cream instead. my friend stood up to go buy the ice cream but as she did the weight on our stool became uneven and i tumbled to the ground. this surprised all of us and we all started laughing because i had tipped over so dramatically. they tried to help me back on, but realized that without my friend the weight would not be even. together we decided it would just be better if i stood until my friend returned with the ice cream. when she returned, we passed around the ice cream and sat together back on the stool. now, of course, i'm mischievous so playful revenge was coming. i waited just until my friend was about to lick her ice cream and i stood up quickly causing her to fall right off her end of stool. she saw right through my laughter and crooked smile as i attempted to tease her in my broken bengali, " why can't you sit?" "are you ok?" "what happened?" from then on as we ate our ice cream, the looks went back and forth when we would jokingly try to stand up and then innocently ask one another if there was a problem. coming back from vacation, i missed the city. at this point in my trip it was growing on me, i wanted to be there. what did i find? i found a piece of me. on my day off when i got to drop by on some friends i hadn't seen in awhile, i found life. i laughed at my friends, laughed with them, missed them and felt that moments like this is why we live. why we have each other. they are moments i wouldn't exchange for all the luxuries or materials in the world. they are moments money can't buy.

so don't let this picture fool you. we have to come down from the mountain eventually. we have to search for ourselves in the messy, confusing and dirty world around us but don't give up. you can find life. you can find joy. you can find you.

time to blog

its been so long and i have had the opposite of writers block. what would that be called? so here is a ADHD version of recent happenings/potential blog titles...

I went camping, boating and waterskiing.
I saw my besties from college. we live in the same state now.
First week back to work i got to go to the beach and a water park.
Second week, i got a clipboard swung at my head. good to be back.
Goodwill rocks! new microwave, george foreman grill, a painting.
Microwave doesn't actually work. boo.
Roomie #1 moves out.
Party for Roomie #2.
Roomie #2 leaves.
you're my person
praying made me cry. i'm so emotional. feelings are everywhere.
security guard hits on me.
appointments are so cultural.
potluck!
giant map of canada on my wall.
charcoal bbqing
home improvement project was a success.
praying for home appliances. new microwave check. table??
greys: yang's my favorite.
praying for roomie #6 in two years
k sis #3 has a bun in the oven.
saw pictures of my k fam on the vacation i was supposed to be on with them.
got a few more tricks up my sleeve
experienced the power of faith in Jesus
committed to take a personal retreat before school starts
started going to life group again. its so life giving.
ate 7 courses of beef
rearranged furniture
trying to find words
waiting for my heart to catch up with my head
goodbye

what i needed to remember...

where my heart was two years ago and where it longs to be again...

When we see beauty we are “de self-centered.” By experiencing something transcendent, we willingly step aside and stand in awe of something else for a moment – our attention is momentarily diverted from our own drives, our passion, our self-interested pursuits. When we behold something beautiful, we are glad to step aside, to be quiet, to give the beautiful subject our voluntary allegiance…Moments of experiencing beauty evoke this kind of willing “step aside” response. (Joel Klepac, serves in Romania with WMF)


This is it! If only i could have said it like that. That statement is exactly why Kolkata stole my heart. Its why I didn’t miss the ”american/luxerious” life. No thing/food/experience here at home could compare to the beauty i experienced in India. (However the refills of lemonade at the american restaurant in Chennai would have been put in the “beautiful” category at the time). The beauty of the people there captured me and whisked me away. I know its crazy to say the most ugly, horrible, unjust place I have ever been was the most beautiful place I have ever experienced. I guess amidst the darkness the light was that much brighter and amidst the ugliness the beauty was more breathtaking. The beauty of a smile, laughter, a child, a kind word, a loving embrace, and the beautiful value of our fellow human beings drew me into the oddest experiences; places with rats, sitting on piles of garbage, being the center of attention, mocked and pointed at, getting lice, sitting on the street, sitting in the brothels, eating rice until i was going to vomit, sitting with the dying, hanging out in the slums, dancing like a fool and eating food so spicy it made me cry. But all of that faded away into the shadows of the radiance coming from the image of Christ I saw and experienced through the lives there. What i thought was important wasn’t really that important and what i thought really mattered, didn’t really matter. For a good part of the trip i was afraid to fully love and be loved back. I was afraid of the risk of love; of being disappointed, hurt, taken advantage of, or feeling dumb, but then when i finally had the eyes to see, I saw the beauty I would willing “step aside” for.

Now imagine our Beautiful God…

wow, summer is here!

welcome home to 97 degrees, shorts, tank tops, beach days, swimming in the ocean, free concerts in the park, free time. glorious. my first summer vacation has come and gone. home was amazing. the longer i'm in LA the more I realize that I love the Northwest. Such a different pace of life, much cleaner air, parking lots, mountains, trees, real hiking and space. It was party central at our house for my sisters graduation and my mom's 60th birthday. I caught up with who i could, but there is never enough time to see everyone. and of course it wouldn't truly be going home unless it rained, just about every day. it makes us that much more thankful when it does clear and the sun comes out. it was canuck summer fun: the sequel because my canadian friend came home with me and isn't everything more fun with a canuck around? she is also the friend that is going to korea with me so we decided that it will be a trilogy. anyways,i'm not going to complain too much about LA. it has its perks. friends, beach, tacos all in one day. hard to beat that.

summer, I'm coming!

just thought you should know i finally had a chicken salad sandwich and it was glorious. it was the "tuna" i remembered. five days til the end of the quarter and the beginning of summer, ten days until i go home for a week. summer will bring closing, opening, change, transition, change again. but it also means i don't have to go to class until aug which gives me real days off. lots of time to play, to go on adventures, to try something new, to remember the classics (aka taco tuesday). time to live in the moment, live thankful for the present, and live hopeful for the future.

"you were called to peace. and be thankful" Colossians 3:15

i am mad at...

you are a lie
you are joke
you are a waste

let it go
move on
walk away
fall apart

get screwed
throw it back
make it right
start a fight

you aren't worth it
cut it off
give up
you are cursed

you read it
too late
i'll be gone
for good

bury it
leave a stone
go alone

speak it

john 12:23-28
colossian 3:12-17
ephesians 3:16-19

at the start
he was there
in the end
he will be there
after all our hands have wrought
he forgives

oh the glory of it all is
that he came
for the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all

all is lost
find him there
after night
dawn is there

after all falls apart
he repairs

oh he is here
for the redemption of the fall
that we may live
for the glory of it all

after night
comes the light
dawn is here
its a new day
everything will change
things will never be the same

oh the glory of it all is
that he came
for the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all

not tuna?!?!

when i was younger I remembered eating really good tuna sandwiches. They aren't something that i crave often, but occasionally I'm up for a good one. A couple months back, I got one of these cravings. I bought tuna fish but I couldn't quite remember what you mix in. I tried mayo, but it wasn't quite right so I added mustard. Still, not quite right or even that good. As a final attempt I added hot sauce. I figured they make spicy tuna sushi so why not a spicy tuna sandwich. It was edible, but certainly not anything close to what my mom made. We can call this, Tuna Sandwich failed attempt #1. Yesterday, I found another can of Tuna in my cupboard that i must have bought when i had my cravings months ago. I hadn't been brave enough to attempt again until yesterday. This time i asked my roommate and my friend who was going to share a tuna sandwich with me, how do you make a tuna sandwich? mayo? yep. mustard? nope. hot sauce? are you crazy? relish. oh yeah i do remember relish, but i remember dill relish though my roommate suggested sweet relish. celery. yeah i think i have had tuna with celery so i'll try that. salt and pepper. k, sounds good to me. Tuna sandwich attempt #2. I have what i needed except dill relish. when i was at the store sweet was cheaper than dill, so i thought i would follow my roommates recommendation. I thought maybe that would be the secret to the famous mom tuna sandwich. I followed the advice of my friends and I came away with a fairly decent tuna sandwich, but it still just wasn't right, not what i remembered. So what does a daughter do next, but call up her mom and yes, ask her how she makes a tuna sandwich (i am growing up i promise). I explained the whole ordeal to my mom, how i tried unsuccessfully to replicate the delicious sandwich from childhood.

"So Mom, what do you put on a tuna sandwich?"
"mayo. salt. pepper."
"Thats it?? i tried that and it didn't work. i remember relish, dill relish, do you put that in it?"
"i might have, but really i rarely made tuna for you girls growing up, but i made a lot of chicken salad sandwiches.
"CHICKEN?!?!?!" with dill relish?????
"yeah"
"THATS IT, THATS WHAT I REMEMBER!!! IT WASN'T TUNA!?
my mom is now hysterically laughing at me. "nope it was chicken."

this whole time my poor memory thought that great tasting sandwich was tuna, but nope. no wonder why a real tuna sandwich didn't taste right. it wasn't chicken.

twenty six and

i ate yummy indian food.
i am so blessed by friends.
i couldn't blow out all my candles, and there wasn't even 26.
i have enjoyed lunch dates and new music
cards and loving words.
i have laughed at myself and others.
i wrote a paper, finished a book
slept in, went for a run
i have felt loved, known and accepted
i have hung out with jesus
i have worshiped him
i am thankful
i am learning
i am hopeful.

we haven't lost it all yet

i know posting song lyrics isn't always that creative, but this is the song that inspired my last blog post. i was listening to the song and next thing you know i'm blogging. seriously, its the reason i did. that dang line, "we haven't lost it all yet." and dang the first few lines too. ok there are a lot of good lines that hit home. its a good song and i really like the fray.

Halfway around the world
Lies the one thing that you want
Buried in the ground, hundreds of miles down
First thing that arises in your mind while you awake
Bending you til you break
Let me hold you now
Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Baby don't forget
You haven't lost it all yet
Don't know what your made of
Til the one thing that you want
To come in with the dawn and suddenly changes
Monday, syndicate me, its everyone the same
But all we've lost to the flame
Listen to me now
Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Don't ever forget
We haven't lost it all yet
All we know for sure
Is all that we are fighting for
Baby don't forget
We haven't lost it all yet
Someday when this is over
We mix it up, no answer
For now its when I hold her
We are closer, we are closer
We are closer, we are closer
Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Don't ever forget
We haven't lost it all yet
And all we know for sure
Is all that we are fighting for
Baby don't forget
We haven't lost it all yet
We are closer
we are closer(We haven't lost it all yet)
Now we are closer(We haven't lost it all yet)
We are closer

i'm pleased to introduce

february 3, 2008 - got an email from a social worker at catholic community services (the adoption agency my parents went through), saying she had a letter from a birth sister. a few days later i found out i didn't just have one biological sister, i had THREE older sisters. they are all in korea and married. i have five nephews and nieces. my sisters share the same biological parents. that means i'm the youngest of four! my birth mom passed away in 2004. my birth dad remarried.

August 2008- i discovered i was the family secret. i always joked about that. my birth mother kept her pregnancy from the whole family including my biological dad. he knew she was pregnant with me, but he was away working in saudi arabia because they were poor. she told him that the baby died. in secret from her family she gave birth to me, named me and gave me up for adoption. 1 girl too many. before my birth mother died she told my sisters about me. in her will she told the rest of her family. once my birth sister contacted me last year, they told my biological father that i existed. surprise! since last spring i have been emailing my middle sister fairly regularly.

feb 18th, 2009- i had found out earlier through emails with my sister that i had a cousin who is a pastor at a korean church in san diego. on monday i get a call from him saying that his mom and my mom were sisters. then he says his mother is visiting san diego from korea and would like to meet me. gulp. so sure enough wednesday my cousin's whole family (wife and 4 boys plus his mom/my aunt) drive up from san diego for dinner. i meet my cousin and his family and i meet my aunt. she is a pastor in korea, cute older korean lady that pointed to the blonde streaks in my hair :) she was sweet to me, kept using my korean name. i wish i had more words, but i was speechless. my cousin and his wife spoke english so we all kinda talked as they translated for my aunt and i. i heard the first stories of my biological mother. the hard working generous heart she had, but not untainted by the burden of secrecy she carried most her life. we laughed, cried, took pictures. i assured my aunt the blonde in my hair was dyed, not natural. they told me i looked like my older sisters. they told me they were sorry. i told them it was ok. my aunt left and i said see you again in july.

july 21- aug 3 2009- i'm taking the leap back to the mothership. beam me up scottie. i will spend 12 days in korea with a friend here from fuller. i'm planning on a fun, chaotic, akward, random, amazing, unforgettable time. i'll meet and stay with the family. i'm not sure how much more extended family is out there. my sisters all live in 3 different places, but knowing koreans we probably will all be together the whole time. just imagine that picture above plus me (and my tall white canadian friend).

i wish i could say that there is no more to it than that, but i can't. behind these words, facts, and last year, i have crumbled away into a million pieces. nothing fitting together anymore, nothing being like it should, nothing the way i imagined it, nothing making sense. the internal struggles go beyond words, beyond what i am able to understand. it was not that i wasn't excited for what was ahead, but it was that i didn't want to give up the life i had. the one i knew, understood, believed in, and put my trust in. betrayed by the life i was supposed to be in control of, i refused the love i needed most. i had to be angry, betrayed, sad, hurt, dissapointed, guilty, ashamed, confused and lost. no one could rush me. no one could do it for me. i had to meet my own demise. that i did. but i did in the arms of mercy, grace, forgiveness and love that held onto me even when i let go. now i'm ready to look at the pieces that won't go back together the same way as before. it will have to be something new. i am something new. we are something new. but i will begin again.

journal entry jan 2008 (just before finding out about my birth family).

let it be as You(God) say:
you will be tempted to say its what you have done or be bitter because you don't understand, but you have to trust its my love. the old is going, but its making room for the new to come. the tearing down is for the new creation. you will have my love, you will have me. the old is passing away, your world is falling apart. you will want to ask "why", but ask how I can transfrom it. nothing is to remain dead. trust my love, that i'm there. you will be able to say it was me. you will have my love to rely on, to hold onto. the old is passing away.
Lord you don't ask for what doesn't cost. it is the way i love you. it is my worship. my father, my friend, my savior provide the faith. what looks like it is lost will be found only in you. i refuse to gain the whole world and lose my soul. who am i that i should deny your will and pleasure. i put my trust in you. i hand over my hope. in jesus name, amen.

when i didn't know what to say

to God, I was provided with these prayers on Easter morning:

Almighty God, we thank you for the gift of the cosmic Christ, whose love unleashes in the universe a power never to be eclipsed. May this Christ who crushed death dissolve our inner fears and set free in us that creative spirit which sees the world anew and brings wholeness to your creation. Amen.

Almighty God to you all hearts are open, all desires known and from you no secrets hid. Cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of your Holy Spirit that we may perfectly love you and worthily magnify your holy name, through Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen.

God of all life, crush the tombs of fear and despair that hold us captive, that we may be released into the fullness of life. Fill us with your light.
Water the seeds of justice and love deep within us, that we may grow in generosity and compassion and minister to those who are in need. Fill us with your light.
Shine the blazing light of the resurrection in every corner of our violent lives and energize us for the challenging work of peace. Fill us with your light.
Call this community of faith to build that new world of justice and wholeness for all people; comfort and uphold us on this journey. Fill us with your light.

God of the living, who validated the life of Christ by bringing forth life from the grave, help us to trust your love which is stronger than death and make us agents of hope and healing in your world. In the name of the risen Christ. Amen.

God, of our Lord Jesus Christ, open our eyes to see your hand at work in the world about us. Deliver us from the presumption of coming to the Table for solace only, and not for strength; for pardon only, and not for renewal. Let the grace of this Holy Communion make us one body, one spirit in Christ, that we may worthily serve the world in Christ's name.

Eternal God, great Creator, you have graciously accepted us as living members of your son our savior Jesus Christ and you have fed us with spiritual food in the Sacraments of Christ's body and blood. Send us now into the world in peace and grant us strength and courage to love and serve you with gladness and singleness of heart; through Christ our Lord. Amen.

its exactly the start I needed.

shane and shane

God's been speaking to me at the gym lately. this is what i heard today on my ipod.

"In you"
I sing for joy
In my remorse
A well within prosperity’s curse
That drowns the mighty oak of pride
But feeds the root of God inside.

In You I find my rest
In You I find my death
In You I find my all and my emptiness
Somehow it all makes sense

In You I’m rich
When I’ve been made poor
Comfort found when I mourn
The prideful one You see from afar
Drawing near to low, broken hearts.

In You I find my rest
In You I find my death
In You I find my all and my emptiness
But it all makes sense
In you

aint just broke

shattered into millions
each sharp painful edge
cuts with rage, with regret
empty hands hold the loss
yesterday is gone
today isn’t coming

left with the mess
that I didn’t make
that I won’t touch
I wait in pieces

for you to say
the old is gone
for you to say
the new is coming
for you to say
I will rebuild with
these pieces

its spring!

got my first beach day in, complete with splashing and playing in the water in my clothes.
got my shopping in, new shoes, new clothes, new haircut, new music.
got my cleaning done, scrubbed, dusted, vacuumed.
got and still have itchy eyes, running nose and the sneezes. yeah for seasonal allergies.
i'm getting rid of my winter shade and gaining more freckles.
people are coming to visit to get away from the rain.
three new classes start tuesday.
ten weeks until vacation.

my final four

besides bragging about my alma mater making it to the final four, go bruins! i just have four things left on my to do list this quarter. starting at 6:30 am tomorrow morning, in this exact order...

1. work until 2:30pm
2. finish and turn in final paper # 1
3. 1 hr of blah blah blah
4. work on/edit/redo/finish/turn in final paper #2 (keep in mind though its the last thing, it could take me up til
friday at 1:40pm to complete, but at least not any later)

get your game face on.

*ding* round 1

church was good tonight. God knocked on my heart. funny, i figured he had left by now.
must be because someone else is praying. i'm sure not.
I had stopped listening to all worship/icky God music, filled with lame, mushy sentiments, fluff, fluff, fluff, not grounded in real life. why is all the angry music written by people who don't believe in God? do people who believe in God not get angry? well if that is the case, i don't want your God. i need a God i can curse at, flip off, throw rocks at. if your God is so great, he should be able to take it right? i think people who don't believe in God are better off sometimes. first off, they aren't fake. well everyone is fake, but they are less fake when life is sucky. i think i would rather have bad days, then fake good ones. they also ask better questions, about things that really matter. like, why was my brother was killed? yep that sucks. and sometimes people who believe in God, don't give good answers. they make you feel like thats a dumb question and that just makes you feel worse. i'm sorry to all the people i made feel worse by giving you a stupid answer. i remember one night at a bible study the guy leading it was saying how he thought we as christians, don't challenge God enough. We don't question God when bad things happen or could happen. just after that bible study we found out our friend died in a car accident. i wonder what he prayed later that night? you can't measure faith. some people think how much you read your bible and pray determines how much faith you have. but i don't think so. if you are suffering, then just waking up takes faith. lots of it. i'm going to put my faith in God. if he wants me, he is going to have to come get me. if he wants me to follow him, he has to give me something worth following. i'm not going to pretend to have faith, i don't. if he wants me to believe he cares, he is going to have to do something about the things i care about. real life. i don't think that is asking too much. i'm not going to church, reading my bible or praying, but if what i'm doing is not trying than i'm more lost than i think. i know writing all of this means i'm in for a good butt kicking. but i would take a butting-kicking God over a God who is absent. i'm putting on the gloves...

without you

why can't i have peace that comes without understanding
or joy that greets me in the morning
where is the love that is more powerful than fear
or the comfort for all my troubles
what about the faith that doesn't need to see
or the hope that is so sure
what am i supposed to do without you
i'm not doing well on my own

I'm not sure if its because i'm feeling poetic or because i'm awake with nothing else to do, but i have decided to revisit my blog. As you can see its been a few months since i have been here and the only thing i have been able to muster up is promises that i pray are not empty. "Finding oneself" is so cliche but people go to all sorts of lengths to try and do it. It seems to be characterized by solidarity, adventure, travel, new experiences. Its a time where anything goes, its all out on the table, everything is up for grabs. When one is in the business of self discovery i feel like one opens themselves to anything that is possible in hopes that somehow it will not leave them unchanged. The secret hope in all of us is that when we search, we will find something. But, what happens when something finds you. When rather than being in the drivers seat on the open road of self discovery, you are a ship captain in the perfect storm. The captain defaults back to the basics, nothing fancy, just what is required to survive. There is no time to try new things. Its interesting that both events lead to discovery. Both a free spirit and a tested one hint that we are more resilient than we think, we can face more than we imagine, and we come out better for it, whether we found ourselves or not. I think the point is that we are willing to search because no matter what we find, inevitably we will lose it again.

What is the point of all this rambling? Its ok, i'm not sure either. i'm guess i'm still searching. i had found a part of me in india and then i came to seminary and lost other parts of me. the last year and half have been this constant relay between finding and losing. It has led to lots of changing, molding and shaping. I feel like my core identity is in constant limbo these days. im wanting things to go back the way they were, but that would be living in the past. im wanting to know how it will all turn out, but that would be living in the future. i have people from my past that are holding up the "before" picture and i don't know how much of that part of me is left. i also have people who are holding out what i could be "after" and i don't know how much of myself i would recognize. instead of my life being a still picture that can be captured in a second, it feels more like a mural whose details are being woven together as it takes form. a solution? don't have one. how about instead, an offering. Creator, i offer myself to you in both the roads and the storms. do with the canvas as you desire and will.

Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this...
Psalm 37:4-5

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;

your love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not abandon the work of your hands.
Psalm 138: 8

white christmas

I have always had a soft spot for snowmen and this year I got to build one xmas morning. We have some awesome sledding hills, but of course we don't have a sled. I finally made it home xmas eve, thanks to a metro, train, bus and plane ride. We saw our extended family xmas eve, but it snowed another couple inches xmas day so it was just the 4 of us. This meant a lot of turkey and mashed potatoes. We still have over a foot of snow at our house so our driveway and development roads would still swallow my car. The city roads and freeways are mostly cleared so we did make it out in the truck this afternoon and headed to downtown portland to do some shopping. With all that said, it's still my xmas break, vacation from work and time with my family. I still have some good dates coming up with friends, the sis and a whole day of korean adventures (ie food and karaoke) to look forward too.

Dear God,

In 2007, I encountered the world at its worst. I felt its suffering, its injustice, its pain. I looked into its deepest wounds through the eyes of slaves, poverty, the forgotten, the thrown out, the oppressor and the oppressed. I saw the world’s abuse of human dignity; the fallen and broken at their worst. I felt helpless, inadequate, angry, and hopeless. I wanted to know what you would do about this world, how you could still exist. You answered that despite the world, you would remain to be hope, joy, mercy, grace and most of all love. Your love would remain the same even when the subject of your love was at its worst. I discovered your compassion for the brokenhearted, your image in the oppressed and your hope for a fallen world.

In 2008, my world felt apart. My world became confusion, anger, shock, and suffering. Out of my fear, it became my fight. I went head to head with what I hate. I clinched my fists and dug my heels in deep. I experienced my own deep wounds of hurt, pain, and hopelessness. My clarity turned to chaos, my certainty to shame. When I wondered where you were, I lived without you, as though you could not do anything. I lived as broken, fallen, and rebellious as possible. The ‘me’ I had become, I was sure you couldn’t stand. I sat as a prisoner bound by my own strength, capable of nothing I wanted; a failure. But I’m still breathing, and finally surrendering. I have discovered you still remain. Despite my worst, you are still love. Your presence has not replaced all my hurt and pain, but neither has my hurt and pain replaced your presence. It all remains together and with you, it is given a chance to be transformed; to become something new. I am discovering your compassion for my broken heart, your nearness in my suffering and your hope for my failure.

In 2009…

not what, but who

Lord...
you, not me
yours, not mine
amen.

lyrics

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong,
but she still sleeps with her light on,
and she acts like It's all right on,
as she smiles again
her mother lies there sick with cancer,
and her friends don't understand her,
she's a question without answers,
who feels like falling apart.
She knows,
she's so much more than worthless,
but she needs to find her purpose,
she wonders what she did to deserve this and..

She's calling out to you, this is a call;
this is a call out,'Cause everytime I fall down,
I reach out to you,
and I'm losing all control now,
and my hazard signs are all out,
I'm asking you,
to show me what this life is all about.

He tells everyone a story,
because he thinks his life is boring,
and he fights so you won't ignore him,
because that's his biggest fear,
and he cries,but you'll rarely see him do it.
He loves, but he's scared to use it.
So he hides behind the music,
'cause he likes it that way.
He knows,
He's so much more than worthless,
he needs to find the surface,
because he's starting to get nervous.

Have you ever felt this way before?
'cause I don't wanna hide here anymore.
Take me to place where nothing's wrong
and thanks for coming, shut the door.
They say someone out there sees us,
Well if you're real then save me Jesus,'
cause I've been here for far too long.
I wasn't meant to feel alone.

--Thousand Foot Krutch

newberg?!?

this isn't the first time newberg has had a brush with fame. the first was when i saw robin williams at fred meyer, but this time newberg made it on national tv!! more specifically, Tilikum. if you didn't have at least one retreat or camp experience there then you didn't go to Fox. Portland was the final destination on the Amazing Race season finale and the contestants had to do part of the high ropes course at Tilikum for their clue. check out the episode, its online. PDX, the gorge, the bridge of the gods, downtown, and pittock mansion all had cameo appearances. i thought it was fun. i miss the nw. i'll be home soon.

done right :)

turkey
real mashed potatoes
real gravy
stuffing
green bean casserole
corn casserole
little smokey's
broccoli salad
corn bread
sweet potatoes
pumpkin pie
pumpkin tort
chocolate cake
beer
champagne
sweet tea
coffee
football
texans
washingtonians
canadians
asians

plus most of the food (including the turkey) was donated in a thanksgiving basket one of our friends got from school. how cool is that? we just split it all up and everyone cooked and brought something. good job everyone, we would have made our moms proud.

nothing left

I have been bound
By his hands my sins are woven together,
the Lord has sapped my strength,
he has handed me over
to those I cannot withstand.

The Lord has rejected me

my eyes overflow with tears
no one is near to comfort me
no one to restore my spirit.
they betrayed me.

See O Lord how distressed I am
I am in torment within
in my heart disturbed
for I have been most rebellious
inside there is only death.

Let me sit alone in silence
Let me be filled with disgrace
Let me bury my face
Let me offer my cheek to
the one who would strike

He has broken me,
He has trampled me,
I have been deprived of peace,
I have been forgotten
Gone is all that I had hoped from the Lord.

I have nothing left.

If you are love, embrace me.
If you are peace, comfort me.
If you are mercy, cover me.
If you are grace, redeem me
If you are God, do not hide your face.
If you are coming, do not delay.

apparently i have been here before

some old thoughts from a different time, but maybe the same season.

who hears your scream, when you don't even make a sound?
when all your tears inside, never hit the ground
who is there when nothing makes it go away?
when nothing changes, no matter what they say
who can hold your breaking heart?
the moment a million pieces tear it apart
who can touch the part, you will never show?
when you are alone and no one else will know
who will carry your burdens, when they are pressing in?
so you can lift your head to see the way again
who sees the wounds opened by fear and shame?
when healing takes too much time and too much pain
who is there when you are ready to be done?
just Him forever, there is only one


Can a person that never cries become the one who needs to cry the most?
Can the person everyone thought was strong enough be the weakest of us all?
Can an empty heart avoid being filled with bitterness and anger?
Can you be struggling and battling, but not against flesh and blood?
Can people forget who they thought you were and love you as you are?
If you have convinced yourself you don't need anyone can God change your mind?
Lord what can you do with me?

waiting

waiting...

for space
to create
to express

for space
to question
the past
the future

for space
to think
to know
to feel

anything.
everything.

do unto others

i don't know what it is about california, but it seems to leave its mark on me. By mark, i mean literally. First it was the california mountains, then the trails and now the road. Apparently, running in the dark is only for the experienced. I don't know what it was, i'm sure it looked a bit sniper-like, but i was taken out by the pavement while on a run last night. I was in the zone, feeling confident of a pretty long run, daydreaming about everything but california and then suddenly bam, trip, tumble and skid. argh. well, that is what i get for laughing at my friend earlier that day who gashed open her big toe while we were on a walk. i had to humbly return, bloody knee and all. thats what i get for laughing. california scar number #5.

give thanks

"For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?" 1 Corinthians 4:7

"I do not set aside the grace of God." Galatians 2:21

But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "Why did you make me like this?" Romans 9:20

It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. Romans 9:16

someone's daughter

back from a distant land of regret
returning no longer worthy
you don't have to call me your own
save the fattened calf
i'm not sure how long i'll be home

can't stand your love
don't know if it can hold me
my eyes and heart hit the ground
your arms wrap around a tomb

found, but still hiding
home, but still wandering
yours, but still wanting

to be
someone's
daughter

It all started when

I finished my last paper of the summer quarter. We celebrated with cookies and a movie. Then on Friday after we turned our papers in we found the perfect kitchen rug on clearance at Target. This was a sure sign it was going to be a great shopping weekend because next I discovered coupons for American Eagle, PacSun, and Old Navy was having a huge sale. I moved into my new apt Sat after work. Its so nice to be settling in. We unpacked, organized, and celebrated life with Papa John's pizza. Sunday we hit the mall and it was the most shopping I've done in probably two years, but everything i bought was on sale and I probably won't go again for another two years. hehe. not really. Today was Joshua Tree National Park. It was so beautiful and like a giant playground. We got some pretty cool pictures. What else could this week off possibly contain? Well, its only Monday.

common names

to all y'all that have common names i'm sure this will not be as exciting for you, but to y'all who don't have common names or common spellings of your names maybe you will share in my child like giddiness. my name is never on any of those pre-made key chains, license plates or tacky tourist propaganda, but today I saw my name in the most unexpected place; at the gym. i was in the locker room at 24 when i saw an advertisement that read "Karli got back to her high school weight." Now lets not get to carried away with that statement, but karli with a "k" and an "i", how unlikely. Its funny to see your name when its not you. I'm sure you common name folks are used to this phenomenon, but i definitely did a double take.

i'm back

I'm back from possibly the best 10 days of the last 365. It started with a sweet time with my family including my ever so amazing sis and grandparents. I even got to see a group of friends from Fox which was an added bonus. Then it was quickly off to canada land for a road trip through the rockies. There were mountains, lakes, hikes, tents, campfires, waterfalls. It was a combination of my most favorite things. It was a little colder than my most favorite temperature, but what to do , I was in the mountains. After the rockies I headed out to my friends farm. Everything is so flat there so its like 360 degrees of amazing sky and wide open spaces. I never realized how much non-city folk like to have campfires. I guess in the city we don't have yards or lawns to have smores or roast hot dogs whenever we want. Being out in the country for a few days made me miss it. It took me back to my roots. Country music, tractors, fields, trucks, and hicks were a little nostalgic for me. Even when i was home there was a consistent flow of maybe 10 cars at this one intersection we were going through and my dad said "There most be something going on around here, probably at the fairgrounds." Sure enough there was something. Those 10 cars, were 10 cars too many for that country road. It made me laugh. I was not in LA anymore.

One thing I never do cuz i'm a wimp is ride roller coasters. Well we went to the edmonton mall which is the mall of all malls, complete with water park, amusement park, sea lions, hotels and everything else in it. My friend and I decided we had to go on the roller coaster which included 3 upside loops. yikes! After we pumped ourselves up we got in line and it appeared we were the only 2 on it so we took the very first seats. another yikes! Long story short, i survived my first upside rollercoaster. It was so intense.

I posted some pics of my trip on facebook or you can use these links:

http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2018649&l=3a0bd&id=98300284

http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2018650&l=481d9&id=98300284

Now I'm back in LA, back to work, back to school, back to city lights and city smog, but i do have some country music on my ipod when i need a breath of that fresh country air.

these days

healing is
more than
the absence
of pain

love
doesn't always
feel
like it

hearing no
can be healing
and it
can be love

there's no telling where i have been

I like to call it the "summer funk." its that time during the year that is not like all the rest; schedules change, routines are different, people come and go. everything kinda gets rolled into one big ball and doesn't really get sorted out until fall comes, until summer is over and until its a new year (school year that is). i feel like i'm just waiting for the end of sept because i know by then at least some things will be sorted out.

work: new boss, new kids, new schedule
school: 1 class down, 1 to go
church: my 3 options: leave, stay and keep wrestling, stay and give up
home: moving wed, moving again next month
life: friends and family, new and old
future: life together, downward mobility
ministry: right opportunities, wrong timing
spiritually: the one being pursued

from InnerVOICE

these words were in the midst of a collage on a page in InnerVOICE which is a publicatioin of InnerCHANGE. InnerCHANGE is a Christian order among the poor. its kinda like word made flesh...

What if all of life were a free buffet?

It kind of makes you wonder if we'd enjoy ANY of it.

Enjoy what God gives.

Don't stuff yourself.

i'm not from california

i have been watching "I survived a Japanese game show" and while i'm generally anti-reality tv, this show cracks me up. i actually have only caught the last 15 mins the two times i watched, but i love it cuz it reminds me how crazy and fun japanese people are. One year in college i was really involed with a group of japanese exchange students because i lived in the international house on campus. It was awesome. I became really close friends with some of them and they knew how to have a good time. i miss having japanese friends. they were so much fun.

there is this one boy at work that i'm starting to love. yesterday we celebrated his birthday and he was so genuinely excited and appreciative it was sweet. i got off work at 3:30 but i told him i would come back for dinner and eat a piece of cake. when i walked in the door he was jumping up and down saying, "you came back! you kept your promise! you came back just for me!!" it was precious. in sept i will have been there a year and i have finally been able to really bond with some of the kids. its been a really good summer at work.

soon i will have to change my car license plates to california. i'm so sad because i don't want to be a californian. i sometimes ride the bus to/from work, but i have to walk about 20mis once i get off for work. one of my coworkers heard i had walked that day and she was like, " californians don't walk!" i said that is why i'm not from california. i think i'm going to keep my washington plates. gotta stay true to the roots.

my perfect summer day: a lake, a boat, a wakeboard, some friends

long days

After a fun yet productive start to the week, it ended with nonstop activities the past couple of days. First of all, Esther and I redeemed Taco Tuesday, thank goodness for that. I also made decisions about classes and housing, finally. I met with a friend i used to work with at an amazing sushi place. It was a little bit of a drive, but well worth it. I ate the best sushi that I can remember. I had been craving it for so long and i was not disappointed. We also made these elaborate plans to expand my LA knowledge and experience because she grew up here and i'm still intimidated by the city.

I had to work on the 4th of July, but we still made strawberry/raspberry/blueberry shortcake and we were able to see some of the fireworks they shot off from the rose bowl. My least favorite part of the night was when they asked me as i was leaving to go pick up some people from the rose bowl who had gone for the fireworks. Long story short, traffic. I got off work 2 hours late on friday and had to be back early Sat for yet another full day. On Sat, we took the kids to Redondo Beach for the afternoon. While i was driving the kids all i could keep thinking about was how i now understand how my parents felt when i wanted to listen to my music in the car. The kids wanted it so loud and they only wanted to listen to the same 3 songs. There are so many "parental moments" that happen when i'm at work.

We got back from the beach right when my shift ended and i had to go directly to my friends wedding reception. I had missed the ceremony because i had to work, but i offered to help set up for the reception so i rushed to help set up for close to 500 guests. This wedding reception was incredible. First of all it was chinese which meant it was a cultural experience as well. They rented out this huge seafood restaurant that was beautiful. There were probably 12 or more chandeliers and everything was decorated perfectly. It was a sit down 8 course meal plus cake; imagine 4 plus hours of just eating :). We had crab, lobster, beef, duck, chicken, shrimp, scallops, fish, shark fin soup and rice. While we were eating there were the traditional aspects of a wedding reception plus multiple choreographed dances by bride and groom and bridal party, as well games/skits. The bride changed her outfit 4 times throughout the evening each time with another introduction by the emcee. Her family is chinese and his family is cambodia so everything was translated twice. There is probably more i could say, but it was quite the experience. A fun one for sure and i always love seeing the bride and groom so happy.

Today was church and work and i'm so glad that tomorrow is my day off. I have jury duty this week so its kinda like a game. I have to call in every night to see if i have to go to the courthouse the next day. I don't have to report tomorrow which is quite a relief. i'm sure i will have to go eventually. it will be interesting. I kind of hope i don't get selected for a trial. It seems like so much pressure. Anyways, another week of summer gone and another one awaits.

church was fun!

I went to a new church on Sunday. It is a primarily african american church, pretty much a guarantee it will be fun. We met the pastor last week during my class so i decided to check it out. There were many things i liked about it. We worshiped to kirk franklin one song and then third day the next. That doesn't always happen during every worship set. The pastor and his wife are co-pastors so they both spoke by taking turns. Instead of the worship "band" being centered on the the stage, the mic singers (just some talented folks from the congregation) were up front and those on the instruments were sitting down towards the back of the stage. Lets see, anything else i can analyze... haha. I can you tell you the presence of God during worship left me still, speechless and teary eyed. I was wondering if preachers in black churches ever have to give sermons on whole hearted, free and passionate worship. I'm guessing not. The pastors were funny, passionate and not afraid to speak the truth. You could tell they were engaging the church. They were bringing it home. It was great. I'm going to try and not think about all this too much. I know I liked it. This sunday they are having their service in the park followed by a potluck. It sounds fun so i think i'm going to go. Oh and i saw someone who works at Hillsides there. I said hi and we talked a little bit. I at least know one person.