white christmas

I have always had a soft spot for snowmen and this year I got to build one xmas morning. We have some awesome sledding hills, but of course we don't have a sled. I finally made it home xmas eve, thanks to a metro, train, bus and plane ride. We saw our extended family xmas eve, but it snowed another couple inches xmas day so it was just the 4 of us. This meant a lot of turkey and mashed potatoes. We still have over a foot of snow at our house so our driveway and development roads would still swallow my car. The city roads and freeways are mostly cleared so we did make it out in the truck this afternoon and headed to downtown portland to do some shopping. With all that said, it's still my xmas break, vacation from work and time with my family. I still have some good dates coming up with friends, the sis and a whole day of korean adventures (ie food and karaoke) to look forward too.

Dear God,

In 2007, I encountered the world at its worst. I felt its suffering, its injustice, its pain. I looked into its deepest wounds through the eyes of slaves, poverty, the forgotten, the thrown out, the oppressor and the oppressed. I saw the world’s abuse of human dignity; the fallen and broken at their worst. I felt helpless, inadequate, angry, and hopeless. I wanted to know what you would do about this world, how you could still exist. You answered that despite the world, you would remain to be hope, joy, mercy, grace and most of all love. Your love would remain the same even when the subject of your love was at its worst. I discovered your compassion for the brokenhearted, your image in the oppressed and your hope for a fallen world.

In 2008, my world felt apart. My world became confusion, anger, shock, and suffering. Out of my fear, it became my fight. I went head to head with what I hate. I clinched my fists and dug my heels in deep. I experienced my own deep wounds of hurt, pain, and hopelessness. My clarity turned to chaos, my certainty to shame. When I wondered where you were, I lived without you, as though you could not do anything. I lived as broken, fallen, and rebellious as possible. The ‘me’ I had become, I was sure you couldn’t stand. I sat as a prisoner bound by my own strength, capable of nothing I wanted; a failure. But I’m still breathing, and finally surrendering. I have discovered you still remain. Despite my worst, you are still love. Your presence has not replaced all my hurt and pain, but neither has my hurt and pain replaced your presence. It all remains together and with you, it is given a chance to be transformed; to become something new. I am discovering your compassion for my broken heart, your nearness in my suffering and your hope for my failure.

In 2009…

not what, but who

Lord...
you, not me
yours, not mine
amen.

lyrics

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong,
but she still sleeps with her light on,
and she acts like It's all right on,
as she smiles again
her mother lies there sick with cancer,
and her friends don't understand her,
she's a question without answers,
who feels like falling apart.
She knows,
she's so much more than worthless,
but she needs to find her purpose,
she wonders what she did to deserve this and..

She's calling out to you, this is a call;
this is a call out,'Cause everytime I fall down,
I reach out to you,
and I'm losing all control now,
and my hazard signs are all out,
I'm asking you,
to show me what this life is all about.

He tells everyone a story,
because he thinks his life is boring,
and he fights so you won't ignore him,
because that's his biggest fear,
and he cries,but you'll rarely see him do it.
He loves, but he's scared to use it.
So he hides behind the music,
'cause he likes it that way.
He knows,
He's so much more than worthless,
he needs to find the surface,
because he's starting to get nervous.

Have you ever felt this way before?
'cause I don't wanna hide here anymore.
Take me to place where nothing's wrong
and thanks for coming, shut the door.
They say someone out there sees us,
Well if you're real then save me Jesus,'
cause I've been here for far too long.
I wasn't meant to feel alone.

--Thousand Foot Krutch

newberg?!?

this isn't the first time newberg has had a brush with fame. the first was when i saw robin williams at fred meyer, but this time newberg made it on national tv!! more specifically, Tilikum. if you didn't have at least one retreat or camp experience there then you didn't go to Fox. Portland was the final destination on the Amazing Race season finale and the contestants had to do part of the high ropes course at Tilikum for their clue. check out the episode, its online. PDX, the gorge, the bridge of the gods, downtown, and pittock mansion all had cameo appearances. i thought it was fun. i miss the nw. i'll be home soon.

done right :)

turkey
real mashed potatoes
real gravy
stuffing
green bean casserole
corn casserole
little smokey's
broccoli salad
corn bread
sweet potatoes
pumpkin pie
pumpkin tort
chocolate cake
beer
champagne
sweet tea
coffee
football
texans
washingtonians
canadians
asians

plus most of the food (including the turkey) was donated in a thanksgiving basket one of our friends got from school. how cool is that? we just split it all up and everyone cooked and brought something. good job everyone, we would have made our moms proud.

nothing left

I have been bound
By his hands my sins are woven together,
the Lord has sapped my strength,
he has handed me over
to those I cannot withstand.

The Lord has rejected me

my eyes overflow with tears
no one is near to comfort me
no one to restore my spirit.
they betrayed me.

See O Lord how distressed I am
I am in torment within
in my heart disturbed
for I have been most rebellious
inside there is only death.

Let me sit alone in silence
Let me be filled with disgrace
Let me bury my face
Let me offer my cheek to
the one who would strike

He has broken me,
He has trampled me,
I have been deprived of peace,
I have been forgotten
Gone is all that I had hoped from the Lord.

I have nothing left.

If you are love, embrace me.
If you are peace, comfort me.
If you are mercy, cover me.
If you are grace, redeem me
If you are God, do not hide your face.
If you are coming, do not delay.

apparently i have been here before

some old thoughts from a different time, but maybe the same season.

who hears your scream, when you don't even make a sound?
when all your tears inside, never hit the ground
who is there when nothing makes it go away?
when nothing changes, no matter what they say
who can hold your breaking heart?
the moment a million pieces tear it apart
who can touch the part, you will never show?
when you are alone and no one else will know
who will carry your burdens, when they are pressing in?
so you can lift your head to see the way again
who sees the wounds opened by fear and shame?
when healing takes too much time and too much pain
who is there when you are ready to be done?
just Him forever, there is only one


Can a person that never cries become the one who needs to cry the most?
Can the person everyone thought was strong enough be the weakest of us all?
Can an empty heart avoid being filled with bitterness and anger?
Can you be struggling and battling, but not against flesh and blood?
Can people forget who they thought you were and love you as you are?
If you have convinced yourself you don't need anyone can God change your mind?
Lord what can you do with me?

waiting

waiting...

for space
to create
to express

for space
to question
the past
the future

for space
to think
to know
to feel

anything.
everything.

do unto others

i don't know what it is about california, but it seems to leave its mark on me. By mark, i mean literally. First it was the california mountains, then the trails and now the road. Apparently, running in the dark is only for the experienced. I don't know what it was, i'm sure it looked a bit sniper-like, but i was taken out by the pavement while on a run last night. I was in the zone, feeling confident of a pretty long run, daydreaming about everything but california and then suddenly bam, trip, tumble and skid. argh. well, that is what i get for laughing at my friend earlier that day who gashed open her big toe while we were on a walk. i had to humbly return, bloody knee and all. thats what i get for laughing. california scar number #5.

give thanks

"For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?" 1 Corinthians 4:7

"I do not set aside the grace of God." Galatians 2:21

But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "Why did you make me like this?" Romans 9:20

It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. Romans 9:16

someone's daughter

back from a distant land of regret
returning no longer worthy
you don't have to call me your own
save the fattened calf
i'm not sure how long i'll be home

can't stand your love
don't know if it can hold me
my eyes and heart hit the ground
your arms wrap around a tomb

found, but still hiding
home, but still wandering
yours, but still wanting

to be
someone's
daughter

It all started when

I finished my last paper of the summer quarter. We celebrated with cookies and a movie. Then on Friday after we turned our papers in we found the perfect kitchen rug on clearance at Target. This was a sure sign it was going to be a great shopping weekend because next I discovered coupons for American Eagle, PacSun, and Old Navy was having a huge sale. I moved into my new apt Sat after work. Its so nice to be settling in. We unpacked, organized, and celebrated life with Papa John's pizza. Sunday we hit the mall and it was the most shopping I've done in probably two years, but everything i bought was on sale and I probably won't go again for another two years. hehe. not really. Today was Joshua Tree National Park. It was so beautiful and like a giant playground. We got some pretty cool pictures. What else could this week off possibly contain? Well, its only Monday.

common names

to all y'all that have common names i'm sure this will not be as exciting for you, but to y'all who don't have common names or common spellings of your names maybe you will share in my child like giddiness. my name is never on any of those pre-made key chains, license plates or tacky tourist propaganda, but today I saw my name in the most unexpected place; at the gym. i was in the locker room at 24 when i saw an advertisement that read "Karli got back to her high school weight." Now lets not get to carried away with that statement, but karli with a "k" and an "i", how unlikely. Its funny to see your name when its not you. I'm sure you common name folks are used to this phenomenon, but i definitely did a double take.

i'm back

I'm back from possibly the best 10 days of the last 365. It started with a sweet time with my family including my ever so amazing sis and grandparents. I even got to see a group of friends from Fox which was an added bonus. Then it was quickly off to canada land for a road trip through the rockies. There were mountains, lakes, hikes, tents, campfires, waterfalls. It was a combination of my most favorite things. It was a little colder than my most favorite temperature, but what to do , I was in the mountains. After the rockies I headed out to my friends farm. Everything is so flat there so its like 360 degrees of amazing sky and wide open spaces. I never realized how much non-city folk like to have campfires. I guess in the city we don't have yards or lawns to have smores or roast hot dogs whenever we want. Being out in the country for a few days made me miss it. It took me back to my roots. Country music, tractors, fields, trucks, and hicks were a little nostalgic for me. Even when i was home there was a consistent flow of maybe 10 cars at this one intersection we were going through and my dad said "There most be something going on around here, probably at the fairgrounds." Sure enough there was something. Those 10 cars, were 10 cars too many for that country road. It made me laugh. I was not in LA anymore.

One thing I never do cuz i'm a wimp is ride roller coasters. Well we went to the edmonton mall which is the mall of all malls, complete with water park, amusement park, sea lions, hotels and everything else in it. My friend and I decided we had to go on the roller coaster which included 3 upside loops. yikes! After we pumped ourselves up we got in line and it appeared we were the only 2 on it so we took the very first seats. another yikes! Long story short, i survived my first upside rollercoaster. It was so intense.

I posted some pics of my trip on facebook or you can use these links:

http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2018649&l=3a0bd&id=98300284

http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2018650&l=481d9&id=98300284

Now I'm back in LA, back to work, back to school, back to city lights and city smog, but i do have some country music on my ipod when i need a breath of that fresh country air.

these days

healing is
more than
the absence
of pain

love
doesn't always
feel
like it

hearing no
can be healing
and it
can be love

there's no telling where i have been

I like to call it the "summer funk." its that time during the year that is not like all the rest; schedules change, routines are different, people come and go. everything kinda gets rolled into one big ball and doesn't really get sorted out until fall comes, until summer is over and until its a new year (school year that is). i feel like i'm just waiting for the end of sept because i know by then at least some things will be sorted out.

work: new boss, new kids, new schedule
school: 1 class down, 1 to go
church: my 3 options: leave, stay and keep wrestling, stay and give up
home: moving wed, moving again next month
life: friends and family, new and old
future: life together, downward mobility
ministry: right opportunities, wrong timing
spiritually: the one being pursued

from InnerVOICE

these words were in the midst of a collage on a page in InnerVOICE which is a publicatioin of InnerCHANGE. InnerCHANGE is a Christian order among the poor. its kinda like word made flesh...

What if all of life were a free buffet?

It kind of makes you wonder if we'd enjoy ANY of it.

Enjoy what God gives.

Don't stuff yourself.

i'm not from california

i have been watching "I survived a Japanese game show" and while i'm generally anti-reality tv, this show cracks me up. i actually have only caught the last 15 mins the two times i watched, but i love it cuz it reminds me how crazy and fun japanese people are. One year in college i was really involed with a group of japanese exchange students because i lived in the international house on campus. It was awesome. I became really close friends with some of them and they knew how to have a good time. i miss having japanese friends. they were so much fun.

there is this one boy at work that i'm starting to love. yesterday we celebrated his birthday and he was so genuinely excited and appreciative it was sweet. i got off work at 3:30 but i told him i would come back for dinner and eat a piece of cake. when i walked in the door he was jumping up and down saying, "you came back! you kept your promise! you came back just for me!!" it was precious. in sept i will have been there a year and i have finally been able to really bond with some of the kids. its been a really good summer at work.

soon i will have to change my car license plates to california. i'm so sad because i don't want to be a californian. i sometimes ride the bus to/from work, but i have to walk about 20mis once i get off for work. one of my coworkers heard i had walked that day and she was like, " californians don't walk!" i said that is why i'm not from california. i think i'm going to keep my washington plates. gotta stay true to the roots.

my perfect summer day: a lake, a boat, a wakeboard, some friends

long days

After a fun yet productive start to the week, it ended with nonstop activities the past couple of days. First of all, Esther and I redeemed Taco Tuesday, thank goodness for that. I also made decisions about classes and housing, finally. I met with a friend i used to work with at an amazing sushi place. It was a little bit of a drive, but well worth it. I ate the best sushi that I can remember. I had been craving it for so long and i was not disappointed. We also made these elaborate plans to expand my LA knowledge and experience because she grew up here and i'm still intimidated by the city.

I had to work on the 4th of July, but we still made strawberry/raspberry/blueberry shortcake and we were able to see some of the fireworks they shot off from the rose bowl. My least favorite part of the night was when they asked me as i was leaving to go pick up some people from the rose bowl who had gone for the fireworks. Long story short, traffic. I got off work 2 hours late on friday and had to be back early Sat for yet another full day. On Sat, we took the kids to Redondo Beach for the afternoon. While i was driving the kids all i could keep thinking about was how i now understand how my parents felt when i wanted to listen to my music in the car. The kids wanted it so loud and they only wanted to listen to the same 3 songs. There are so many "parental moments" that happen when i'm at work.

We got back from the beach right when my shift ended and i had to go directly to my friends wedding reception. I had missed the ceremony because i had to work, but i offered to help set up for the reception so i rushed to help set up for close to 500 guests. This wedding reception was incredible. First of all it was chinese which meant it was a cultural experience as well. They rented out this huge seafood restaurant that was beautiful. There were probably 12 or more chandeliers and everything was decorated perfectly. It was a sit down 8 course meal plus cake; imagine 4 plus hours of just eating :). We had crab, lobster, beef, duck, chicken, shrimp, scallops, fish, shark fin soup and rice. While we were eating there were the traditional aspects of a wedding reception plus multiple choreographed dances by bride and groom and bridal party, as well games/skits. The bride changed her outfit 4 times throughout the evening each time with another introduction by the emcee. Her family is chinese and his family is cambodia so everything was translated twice. There is probably more i could say, but it was quite the experience. A fun one for sure and i always love seeing the bride and groom so happy.

Today was church and work and i'm so glad that tomorrow is my day off. I have jury duty this week so its kinda like a game. I have to call in every night to see if i have to go to the courthouse the next day. I don't have to report tomorrow which is quite a relief. i'm sure i will have to go eventually. it will be interesting. I kind of hope i don't get selected for a trial. It seems like so much pressure. Anyways, another week of summer gone and another one awaits.

church was fun!

I went to a new church on Sunday. It is a primarily african american church, pretty much a guarantee it will be fun. We met the pastor last week during my class so i decided to check it out. There were many things i liked about it. We worshiped to kirk franklin one song and then third day the next. That doesn't always happen during every worship set. The pastor and his wife are co-pastors so they both spoke by taking turns. Instead of the worship "band" being centered on the the stage, the mic singers (just some talented folks from the congregation) were up front and those on the instruments were sitting down towards the back of the stage. Lets see, anything else i can analyze... haha. I can you tell you the presence of God during worship left me still, speechless and teary eyed. I was wondering if preachers in black churches ever have to give sermons on whole hearted, free and passionate worship. I'm guessing not. The pastors were funny, passionate and not afraid to speak the truth. You could tell they were engaging the church. They were bringing it home. It was great. I'm going to try and not think about all this too much. I know I liked it. This sunday they are having their service in the park followed by a potluck. It sounds fun so i think i'm going to go. Oh and i saw someone who works at Hillsides there. I said hi and we talked a little bit. I at least know one person.

Lead Me

I want to be led, but not away…

Away from
what I think
what I’m waiting for
promises

Away from
what I know,
what I’m preparing for
expectations

Away from
what I see
what I’m looking for
answers

I want to be led, but not away…
I’m not ready to go.

The place you go to forget your past

In my Urban mission class this week, i learned that LA is the place you go to forget your past. This class was just one week and we spent most of our time out in the city visiting ministries, churches and organizations that deal with the issues of urban LA. There was so much squeezed into one week, but i'll try and give you a little recap. In a lot of ways i feel like it was a missions trip to city.

Monday : we learned a bit about the history of LA and the civil unrest following the rodney king incident. our TA has lived in LA all her life and was living in south central when the unrest broke out. it was interesting to hear about it from her perspective and experience. We then learned about Pasadena and urban issues in our own backyard.

Tuesday: we went to the financial district of LA and learned how to exegete a city. this just means observing everything from architecture to trash to people etc. we walked from the financial district all the way down to skid row. the contrast is beyond description and the division between the two worlds is so obvious. we visited the site of the Azuza Street Revival. If you don't know what this is you need to find out because it is amazing. We ended the day learning about the injustice of the juvenile court system. It was angering and heart breaking but the work that is being done was moving and inspiring.

Wednesday: we were in south central LA. we visited a youth center that was started by woman whose son was killed in a drive by. she is the aunt of our TA. her story and faith is amazing. this was the day that gangs and violence had a face and story. we visited a church who primarily ministers to drug addicts off the street. radical and awesome is all i have to say about that. we also visited an influential community developemt organization in the african american community. it is run by a strong, intelligent, motivating woman.

Thursday: we went to the neighborhood where my prof works and lives with a christian order among the poor. we visited in interfaith justice organization. the woman giving the presentation was young and a rabbi. so cool. we met some women who have been transformed through relationship with my professor and her team there. they are people my prof has known for 20 years. she met them when they were just 10 and 11 years old. their testimonies are amazing.

Friday: we heard from the director of another large and influential african american community development organization. we debriefed about faith, justice, policy, stories, transformation, the new heaven and new earth, and hope. we learned about so many issues, causes, and campaigns. i'm wrestling with the pharisee in me, my theology of the other (my enemy), the centrality of the cross, the compassion of God and my own calling to the God of justice.

in my time with God this week through my frustration, anger, grief and desire to act, the Holy spirit led me to a scripture that speaks to all the injustices i could name. it is the most powerful thing i learned all week.

"This kind can come out only by prayer and fasting" Mark 9:29

my week off

i finished my quarter last week and this week i have enjoyed not having any school work to worry about. i have had time to watch movies, take the bus, and work out. i found a great park and went to the beach. its been nearly 100 degrees this week so i'm thankful for the luxury of AC. its been fun taking the bus/metro and discovering it can take me most places i want to go. i also led small group on wednesday. i forgot how fun it is to pray, prepare, study the word, share, listen to others. i have had some really great time with God this week. I'm glad that he is patient with me and doesn't mind repeating himself. there isn't an area in my life that he has left untouched. last sunday was 1 year since i returned home from India. As i looked back and looked at my life now, my heart was full of questions and disappointments. However, there in the midst of it all I found Him, or rather He found me. i might write more on this later, but a year of burden to "do something" was finally broken and replaced with the grace to receive. To top it all off I'm reading the Ragamuffin Gospel, hopefully the first of at least a couple "fun reads" this summer.

Monday i start again with classes. I'm taking intro to urban mission and i'm really excited about it because the first day is in the classroom and the next 4 days are in the city. It is a 1 week intensive so its Mon-Fri 8-5. I won't be working next week which will be a nice break, but school will keep me plenty busy. I'm afraid it will be so good and yet go by so fast cuz its over in 5 days. I'm really praying that God uses this class.

As I have begun to pray about this summer I feel like it will be full; full of lots of new things and lots of changes. I have already caught myself stressed out by the details, the planning and unknowns but i feel like the summer won't be an accident. God's sovereignty tells me this summer has a purpose. So far this year has been unlike any other and part of me doesn't want to pray for anything more and the other part is willing to submit. It has all been along the thought/word/theme "discover" that the Lord revealed to me in Jan. Most recently through the holy spirit he reminded me that indeed, "The old is going.." I feel like all i can do is hold on and lay still in His hands of mercy.

My study break

God what are you going to do when her dad died, her child died, and just this week his grandma had a massive stroke, her mom wants to kill herself, her mom might have cancer, and her grandma died? Not to mention this burden you have given me for him though he committed an act of violence that makes me want to throw up but you still say pray with compassion. Disobedience would be easier if i didn't actually feel compassion and broken over the battle for his soul. I know i must trust your love for those i love, but seriously...I would like to shout at you. I also would like to shout at myself because all I want to do is pray and pray hard, maybe even cry cuz its the only way i can give all this to you and find some relief but i can't because i'm writing a paper.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

my one goal

for the evening was to be productive on my paper but...
1 stomach ache + 4 phone calls + 5 hours on the phone w/ friends = 0 paper writing
productive is not all that it is made out to be.

I can't decide lately

is it good or just good enough?
am i hiding or are you hiding?
its not bad but is it good?
am i not listening or are you not speaking?
should i rejoice in contentment or discontentment?
do i wait by faith or ask by faith?
am i free to choose or bound by choices?
is it a curse or a blessing?
is where i am where i want to be?
do i need to get away or go through?
would i rather have answers or promises?
what am i looking for?
why am i looking?

loss

i can't seem to get away from it these days. another person i care about is grieving today. she had a miscarriage, just a week after celebrating a long and anticipated pregnancy.

no right to pray.
or words to say.
won't tell you i know
how it goes.

why we have it
just to lose it
why we wish it
just to miss it.

tears paint the picture
fists pound the blame

screams come in color

hope melts smaller

rooms of silence
make good company
questions are the enemy
denial offers sanity

attempts fail to hide
pain wants to decide
love has stepped aside
to guilt and doubt

walk away from regret
lie down in space
sit still together
hold onto grace

zero fun sir!

Recently I have been incredibly blessed by friends. Yes its the end of the quarter so most of the time I'm studying, but this last week there certainly wasn't a shortage of fun. Last Saturday I went to a LA Galaxy game. It was an exciting game and it was cool to see David Bekham play. After the game and a cup of coffee it just wasn't time to go to bed so a couple friends and I decided to go slacklining. Slacklining if i haven't told you is this line/rope that you tie between two trees and then try to walk across. It is really hard, but a good challenge. It has been our new hobby lately. We stayed out that night til about 3am slacklining, throwing the frisbee, wrestling, and laying out on the grass under the street lamps. Next morning i didn't have church so the same friends plus many more made and ate sunday brunch together. It was delicious. Then of course memorial day wouldn't be complete without a BBQ so we went over to the boys place and they BBQ'd for us and we played games, were introduced to the Tim Tam Slam and of course the evening wouldn't be complete without a little slacklining. Needless to say, I had a great 3 day weekend and am so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people.

The next two weeks is paper writing extravaganza. I have two final papers but I'm kinda excited to write them so i'm hoping they won't be too bad. I will probably be moving sometime this summer so i have started looking into places. I signed up for my summer classes, got summoned for jury duty and hopefully will book my ticket soon for kanook summer fun 08 complete with mountains, cars, flannel and cows. :)

quick one liner

as i think about those who have much and those who have little, one obvious solution is that the who have much just do a better job of sharing. we make it more difficult than it is, but instead of 2 for me, 1 for you why not 1.5 each? anyways in my humble opinion all of us that can read this have enough to share. it might mean you have less, but oh well. so i was in this meeting with my small group leaders talking about how we were going to encourage people to give generously to this offering we have at church that will go to outreach. as i was explaining this might be easier for some and harder for others. this girl says:

"yeah some might say God, I don't have enough to share."

I laughed. out loud. i didn't mean to, but i did. She didn't. She meant it. i apologized. i bit my tongue and sat on my hands. it proved my point i guess. it will be harder for some.. Lord have mercy on me.

its good to have friends

you can laugh with, be serious with, cook with, play with, stay up late with, plan with, be spontaneous with



who are honest, who are humble, who are trustworthy, who think of others, who are not perfect, who forgive



who know you, surprise you, laught at you, teach you, accept you, care for you, challenge you



who you admire, look up to, dream with, dream for



who can be angry, insecure, insensitive, selfish, frustrated, grumpy, prideful, unreasonable,



who remind me, I can be too.



I have been reflecting a lot on the african idea of community. This idea that "I am well when we are well." It is such a foreign concept for most of us who live in a very individualistic culture. It was reinforced for me when I watched some video my friend had that just came back from africa. Her team traveled to villages and had time to play with kids and teach them some games. My friend and her team would teach the kids a game and then the african children would teach them one. Of course a classic, one that i have used before is Duck, Duck, Goose. The kids were so cute cheering and chasing one another around. When it was time for the african children to play they all formed a circle and started clapping and singing beautifully. There was one person in the middle and the "game" was to choose someone from the circle and you both danced together in the middle. Then that person would pick the next person to dance with and so on and so on. No winner, no loser, no competiton, no individuals, none of that mattered. There were just always two kids in the middle dancing together. If you would try and get a group of kids here to enjoy or even see the point of a "game" like that, they would be bored or think its stupid.


The contrast in values that I saw in a simple children's game has been yelling at me this past week. It makes me think and pay attention to how i "play" with my friends and others. We would like to think that false humility is the antidote, but in the end we are still trying to win, be first and be better than others. This all ties back to the difference between what we do and who are; a theme that keeps coming back for me this quarter.In our game your identity is how good you are at something compared to everyone else, in the african game your identity comes from being part of the group; belonging to each other. I think i'm drained by a culture that tells people it is what we do that makes us who we are or its what we can't do that makes us worth less. I'm drained by my own judgements of people. I feel like i have the right to determine who is worth my love, but if i'm in christ its not my love, but Christs love that i say i offer. Therefore I shamefully determine who is worthy of God's love, but I say its God's love when really its nothing but my counterfeit. this makes me a fool. this is why i need friends, this is why i need those who are hungry, angry, selfish, judgemental, and broken. they keep me accountable. when its God's love it can bear fruit in me and through me that will last. when its my love I don't do anything. Apart from him i do nothing. Apart from him i cannot love.

nothing is wrong

I just need to talk, run, scream, kick, yell, process, get all this energy out. I feel like i'm about to burst. i want to fight. i want to push the limits. i'm stressed. i want to stay up all night. i want to walk in the rain, sit in the cold, throw punches at the air, do things i shouldn't. i'm fired up, i'm hurt, i'm frustrated. i don't have words. i don't have reasons. i'm emotional. i'm tired. i want to hide. i want to be noticed. i want it to go away. I want to let it out.

1999

Today I went to starbucks with a friend after church. While we were sitting there talking, I recognized a friend from home I hadn't seen in 9 years. We went to high school together and played on the soccer team together. She was two years older so she graduated in 1999. I don't think i have seen her since then. it was so CRAZY! Most of the memories i have are from when i was 14 and 15 years old. scary! She just moved here in the fall to go to medical school. We completely lost touch. I can't believe we ran into each other in a random starbucks today.

Birthday weekend

Today ends a long and enjoyable birthday weekend. Thursday night i had some friends from church and school over for a game night and birthday cake. It was a fun evening and i felt very loved. My parents came in on Friday night and we had a great birthday breakfast together on Saturday morning before I had to work. We found this really cute breakfast place near campus that I had never noticed before. The kids at work were sweet, making me cards and wishing me happy birthday way too many times. I took some of my leftover birthday cake to share with them. I took sunday off so my parents and i headed to malibu for mothers day. The weather wasn't great, mostly overcast, but we walked around some shops and went out on the pier. We had dinner at this great place called Duke's. It was recommended by a friend who went to school in Malibu. It might have been the best dinner out in a long time. It was located on the beach so we sat by the window and looked out onto the ocean. I ordered coconut shrimp and steak, basically two of my favorite things. It was delicious! I also experienced the first advantage of being 25; I finally look 21! At least according to the waitress who didn't ask for my ID when i ordered a drink. Monday we spent shopping, my parents are too good to me, and had happy hour with some of my good friends from school. My parents left this afternoon and now that i'm finished with my paper, the rest of the evening includes taco tuesday and the movie Dan in Real Life. The perfect conclusion to a sweet weekend. I feel super blessed and loved by family and friends.

teary eyed

I'm not a good cryer. It is not generally the way i express emotion. My professor tonight in my spirituality and mission class talked about how she was at a prayer meeting where the pastor was praying for the release of spiritual gifts. For her that night she received the gift of tears. She says that there are times when she is burdened in her spirit and literally moved to tears, but as she begins to pray and intercede she generally feels it lift and is at peace. I thought that was pretty incredible and beautiful really.

I, on the other hand, even when i want and need a good release of tears can't always make it come out. A couple months ago I was in a restless place where i no longer had words or strength and just longed for one of those really good cries. I wanted to cry, but i didn't feel like i could. Usually when i need a good cry, I just have to go to a cooperate worship service or watch a sad movie. Its silly, but a friend and i decided to try the sad movie route. We googled the "saddest movies"and ended up picking Steel Magnolias. I'm sorry if i sound insensitive or mean, but we ended up laughing through the whole movie! It was so ironic because all the reviews talked about how this movie was such a classic tear jerker etc. It could have been that it was an older movie, set in the south, the big hair or dolly parton. i'm not exactly sure what it was, but it was not a good movie; so bad it made us laugh. After all that anticipation we couldn't end our "sad movie night" on that note so we watched Blood Diamond. I didn't cry, but it was a really good movie. I was hoping if the move didn't do it, church would, but so far no tears yet.

Then tonight in class we worshiped and then interceded for Mynamar where a cyclone has killed approx 15,000 people. We just prayed with the people sitting next to us and wow, i got teary eyed, just barely, but i was moved by the presence of God. I'm not sure what it was, but I felt it. maybe i need to focus less on myself.

59,17,9

59 cents - the current price of the previously priced 49 cent tacos on tuesdays

17 - the name of a ridiculous magazine that I was reminded of at work when a couple of girls, who are only 11 and 12 years old mind you, where reading it. remember all those quizzes?? does he like you?, what type of girl are you? how to tell if she is a real friend? don't get me started on these magazines, but it did remind me of a time in 8th grade when a friend of mine wrote into the magazine about losing her virginity and they actually published it with her initials and our town. i did what any good friend would do, i lied for her and we tried to squeeze it off onto someone else. it was quite the drama at the time. teenagers and a small town are not always a good combo.

9 days - until i'm 25. "grin"

My quirks

Like everyone i have things that make me unique and probably a bit odd, but they make me, me. I prefer to search through the movies A-Z when i'm at blockbuster. Starting anywhere but the A's throws me off. As previously stated I organize my shirts in my closet by sleeve length, eating Melon makes my ears itch and i hate when cabinet or cupboard doors are left open. frozen bread is not my favorite either. "shudder..." these are just silly things, nothing i'm too attached to i hope. Then I have these other quirks that are no easier to understand, but are more than just preferences. Perhaps, they are more like convictions or at least I would like them to be. I have added one to the list this week. No more food eating contests.

This taco tuesday we talked ourselves into a taco eating contest. At 49 cents a taco its a reasonable and affordable challenge. Some people could enjoy the first place, 3 way tie of 9 tacos and rice and beans, but i could not. Being stuffed fuller than i can imagine as if food is a luxury or just a game left me feeling inconsiderate and selfish. What pains me more is that i felt it wasn't right but did it anyways. You can call me weird or call it silly, but I cannot enjoy it when a very dear friend of mine and her family in India survive on 1 meal a day. When her younger sister is barley more than skin and bones and her other sister's cute pot belly is due to worms and malnutrition. They live in a slum along the road i traveled often and it became my favorite place to be. It is not just knowing them or their situation that fuels my shame, but its that i claim to love them and they loved me. I acted as if they are less important or valuable than the friends I sat at the table with. You may not see the connection between a seemingly harmless taco eating contest and the poverty and hunger in the world but I feel it down deep.

Dear Beloved,

I need to ask for your forgiveness. I take responsibility for my offense. There is no excuse for my carelessness. I was selfish and inconsiderate. I know the act does not seem that great, but its my heart that grieves me. If you were in my presence I would have never acted the way I did and to do so in secret, like I could get away with it, is even more humiliating. Most will not understand, but I must take responsibility for what I have not just seen or heard of from a distance, but for what I have walked through, sat in and held in my hands. You welcomed me into the little you had and still gave me all you could. No matter what i did i could not out give you. The least i can do is honor your sacrifice and let it teach me. Please keep reminding me because I tend to forget what reality is. Its easier for me to live in another world that demands less of me. I do call you friend and I want you to know i mean it. Jesus has broken the barriers that could've been. You are no less valuable or lovable to me. You offer me accountability and love that no other friend can. I'm thankful for you. Forgive me for not being more considerate. I am far from perfect but for all that you taught me, its the least I can do.

Bhalo thako. Dekha hoybe.

Spring Cleaning

Yesterday I finally tackled the task of spring cleaning. It started with a car wash. I can't rely on the rain anymore. Then i moved onto my room: my bed, my desk, the walls, the floors, my closet are all dusted and sparklingly clean. Next was the wardrobe. I figured it was time to trade in the hoodies, sweatshirts and fleeces for t-shirts, shorts and of course my beach clothes. In my attempt to live with less and more simply by rule I try to keep only what I use. Its so easy to end up with so much I don't really need or ever use. It helps me to just pull out everything i have cuz once i see it all, there is always too much. It feels good to be organized. One ridiculous type A thing i did is hang my shirts in increasing sleeve length order. I don't think this is weird. I think it is helpful. This way all my tank tops are together, then my t-shirts, then my 3 quarter sleeves, then my long sleeves. Its a beautiful thing. It brings me joy. I don't see any other way.

live simply so others may simply live.

The boy i beat at basketball

his name is Jon.

I smell like burnt popcorn

Life has been full lately with both fun things and serious things. i'll talk about the random fun things. I really do smell like burnt popcorn. Without fail, i burn the popcorn at work. I blame it on the microwave. I beat a boy at basketball this week. It was fun. I won at horse twice. I started running again. well i mean i ran twice this week and tomorrow will be 3 times. i walked out of church on sunday partially cuz the pastor presented the need for maintenance on their fountain outside their church. it will cost 250,000 dollars. a great need he said. i disagree. i have been thinking about the controversy over the Olympics being held in china. http://www.dreamfordarfur.org/. be informed. do your part. these words are from one of my friend's songs: "May indifference never tempt someone to say, "it's not my fight,"Change is subject to the hope we hang onto with all our life,There is hope that all things will be made a new, but not right now,But you and I, we can try to make things right." I had decided I wasn't "called" to Africa and I didnt have the desire to really go. Now i'm thinking about going to Sierra Leone. wasn't my idea. I order the Greek Pizza when i go to California Pizza Kitchen. I'm eating my leftovers right now. I'm also listening to AIr1 online. i haven't listened to it in a long time. there is some new stuff. christian radio isn't that bad. i wish i could go to the beach tomorrow. its supposed to be 90 degrees. i want to go swimming. the rumor is true. i did watch Lord of the Rings. i have got to be careful or Pride and Prejudice might be next. i'm trying to take more study breaks for Jesus. less email and facebook. more prayer. although its late, i'm not tired so i'm going to read for fun.

Acres of Hope

He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand
She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don’t look back
For love is growing vineyards up ahead
You have called me master
And though you’re in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good

How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So the valley’s up ahead
Or the ones we live
We’ll sing together
We’ll sing together

We will sing
We will sing
Oh, to You
We will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead us away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

why?

A few months back 3 girls who were younger than me, but who i went to George Fox with got into a car accident. One of them died. She wasn't a friend, but i knew her and my mind raced with the various interactions i remember. Now a guy who was older than me, but who i went to George Fox with was hit by a car and died. I knew him through friends. What makes it worse in ways i can't imagine, is in the car that hit him were my two really good friends also Fox Alum. They are married now, but I went to the Philippines with him and lived and played soccer with her. They were friends with the guy who died. sick.

http://www.newsregister.com/news/story.cfm?story_no=233146

sister, sister

Its finally spring break and i don't like that it is going by so fast. Rach has been here since monday. We had an awesome time at the beach. We played in the sand, went swimming in the ocean and got a little sunburned. We also shopped in hollywood, enjoyed taco tuesday, the park and frisbee. Yesterday while i was at work antonia and my sister when shopping in old town. Much to my disgust the two of them are scheming against me, but don't worry i'm going to get to the bottom of it :). Rach is now visiting with a friend from HS who lives here in socal then heads home on saturday. It was great to have sister time.

Although i still have to work this week I have been able to do something fun everyday. Lent is over so i'm back to watching movies and eating cookies. Perfect timing for spring break. I'm a little nervous about next quarter. I decided to take the plunge and become a full time student. I will have 3 classes, work and whatever life is possible, if any. I just keep telling myself it is only for 10 weeks. For now, i'm going to enjoy the rest of my break and live somewhere between productivity and spontaneity. Bring it on!

maybe it just takes practice

This time we made it to our destination, Inspiration point. This time we followed the sign marked with an arrow that read "Trail". This time when we realized we missed the trail we turned back and found it. This time we made it without having to hang off any cliffs or walk along any edges. But, this time i decided to wear my chacos instead of shoes. This meant by the time we had gotten to the top I had the most amazing blisters on my heels and the sides of my feet. When you have to go back down the mountain another 3 miles whats a girl to do? Well you just keep going. I walked the entire way down, stopping a few times when i couldn't take it any longer with these raw bloody blisters shouting at me "you are an idiot for wearing sandals hiking!" My friend attempted to assist me by asking the hikers we passed for bandaids, but there were none to be found. The ironic thing is that before we left she asked me if she should bring some bandaids and of course i said "no way, we won't need bandaids!" When will i learn? The hike wasn't a complete failure. It was a beautiful sunny day. We escaped the stress of finals week for a few hours. We talked, we laughed, we shared life. We ended the day the only way possible, with taco tuesday of course. We had worked up an appetite on the trail and the tacos hit the spot. I don't think i will hike on the same trails again. I have made my peace with the mountain and it has left its mark on me. I don't need to do it again. I'm done.

my heart checkup

this week was the last week of classes and thursday in my art of evangelism class my professor read a commissioning prayer of sorts to us as we ended class. we all stood up and he spoke this blessing/charge/commission over us. it was just a short pause in the middle of my day to stop, remember and hear why it is i'm truly at seminary. i don't remember any of the actual words that were spoken, but i remember the reassurance I felt and the way the spirit moved in my heart. its true here at seminary that people who start off feeling called to ministry, leave with less spirituality than when they came. i have heard of it happening and i am starting to see the beginnings of the fight to hold onto a living and real God. i have been fighting my own fight against cynicism and restlessness. however, on thursday when we paused from our intellectual and academic pursuits i was reminded by the real and life giving God that indeed is not worried about the knowledge I gain if i don't have the right heart to handle it. the holy spirit offered a little heart check up and asked me, "With the knowledge i have gained and the desire to use what i have learned, has my heart become more open or closed? more soft or more hard? more humble or more prideful? more bold or more afraid? more willing or more hesitant? more loving or less loving? have i become more important or less important? have i gained the world only to lose my soul?" the goal of seminary is not more knowledge, the goal of seminary is more wonder, more fullness and more intimacy.

the search for God

its the confusion you feel when you are searching for something that you can't even believe you just lost. you had it just a second ago. where did it go? you look around not completely convinced it was possible for you to really lose it. you just had it right here. it can't be that lost. it must be here.

its the surprise you feel when you find something that you totally forgot you lost until you suddenly find it out of the blue. when you were looking for it you couldn't find it, but when you are looking for something else, here it is!

its the anxiety you feel when you have just lost something really important. the thought of it never being found creates panic and fear. its the only thing you can think of and worry about. all your efforts go towards finding it. you can't go on until it is found.

its the gratitude you feel after you have exhausted yourself and looked everywhere possible. when the moment you prepare yourself to believe it can't be found, someone else comes along and asks "Is this what you are looking for?"

eternal sunshine

It might just be me, but i feel like its going to be sunny here from now until maybe October? It feels like what i used to call summer back home. I'm not complaining though its great, but it makes homework and class so much more difficult. today i realized that you may not really know what you believe until you really disagree with someone. I realized i have strong feelings about the way i think a certain thing should be, but i didn't realize i cared that much until talking with someone who saw it totally differently. Before i could do anything about it I desired to argue and tell this person they were wrong and i was right. I was frustrated and it took all my strength not to be argumentative. Humility and listening flew out the window and in my heart my opinion became center stage. I'm just a little surprised i felt strongly about this issue in particular.It was nothing really important or life changing. I don't know if I'm right, that's not really the issue. I'm always learning and I attempt to hold truth with open hands, but truth does exist, right? Even if the truth is, it doesn't really matter? i'm getting too philosophical for my own good, back to homework.

stories

we all have them. we love to hear them and share them. they make us laugh, cry and remember. As christians we get used to telling just one story. We call it our testimony, conversion story or life story. But I wonder if our life is really just one story, one journey, or one conversion. Life is certainly not just one failure, or one success or one lesson. Why do we get so used to telling the same story? The world would benefit much more from honest christians. Who like everyone else have failed, have regrets, insecurities and dreams. I think we need to learn to tell our stories, not just the big conversion, but all the little conversions that occur over and over because our need for grace never ceases. How will people know the daily, present, active God unless we share the little victories and the little losses that life is made up of?

I have been reflecting on the Easter story that has become so familiar to me. I have tried searching for it within my own stories of rejection, sacrifice, hope and redemption. As i reflect back on my faith journey and the times i have cursed God, questioned God, shook my fist at God and resented God, I realize He remains alive, loving and accepting. During this season of lent I wonder if all the "little" easter stories would breath life into the all familiar Easter Story. All victories big and small are meaningful. I pray the easter story would invade our lives; not just our soul, but our mind, our heart, our family, our friends, our work, our successes and our failures.

wandering

I am wandering.
wishing there was an away
how can I get there,
if i find it can I stay.

I've lost what i wanted
how it is supposed to be
without the solution,
I run from me.

If you pray

if you pray I need courage. Life has changed. the loss was not a premediated offering resulting from a planned and thought out process. the loss is raw. shocking. difficult. a sacrifice. the gain is not a promise or a vision given to a soul searching for more. the gain is raw. shocking. difficult. a sarcifice. if you pray, I want to be brave.

My first hike in California

I don't like to ask for directions so when a friend and I lost the trail on a hike, instead of turning back I forged through onto unknown mountainsides. This led us to a ledge of sorts, but not a flat sturdy ledge made of rock. It was more of a steep slope of sand that quickly turned into a drop off which plunged towards the creek 30ft below. At this point normal people's gut would speak up and keep them from trying to cross this ledge. However, my gut remained silent and my pride cheered me on. After my friend and I crossed onto this steep ledge successfully with determination and difficulty, we decided that the crumbling rock and loose ground was not much to our liking, so we decided to turn back. Graciously my friend allowed me to lead the way as we struggled to maintain our balance and inch our way back to solid ground. I started back, reaching for what was soft crumbling rock that provided little support and then i jumped hoping to land on solid ground. However, I didn't land on solid ground, but on the incline that forced my feet out from me and allowed gravity to have its way. As I'm now sliding down the short slope towards the imminent drop off I reach for the hand of God in the form a short steel pole of sorts sticking up from the ground, that marked the end of the hill and the beginning of a free fall. I was thankful to have a hold of something so solid, but wished it was not as i'm hanging of the cliff. I pulled myself back up and managed to get back to where my friend was and we finally made it off the ledge we should have never tried to cross. If only the story ended there. While we were pondering the location of the trail that would lead us home, we saw people above us that indicated we just needed to go up. Up? yeah right, up the steep, rocky, sandy, unstable mountainside? yes, up that. So with my aderaline still pumping and my limbs still shaking we indeed decide to go up.
Though this time there was no danger of falling off the side of the mountain, there was the danger, i quickly realized of falling down the mountain. As I'm scrambling my way up the slope, attempting to get back to the path it becomes clear that there isn't alot that is stable about the slope i'm now halfway up. My predictions are soon confirmed when the entire mountainside i'm on decides to move down and out from under me. The dry land,the dirt, the branches, the rocks and I tumble back to where i started my ascent. If the near free fall over the cliff wasn't enough, i now have the battle wounds left by a small landslide. But I won't turn back. I won't give up. Finally both my friend and I successfully make it up to the top and onto the wide path that will lead us to bandaids, pizza, a movie and a toast to life.

it rains here

even so cal gets rain and snow. the mountains just behind my house have snow on the tops and the ones a little further in the distance are even more snow covered. today it is raining again, but i won't complain. i'm trying to be a true nwesterner by not using an umbrella. i'm super excited because this week I received kyle's new cd that is full of songs he wrote while we were in kolkata. he is a great musician and his lyrics tug my heart back to india. its an awesome cd! i have had it on constantly since i got it. next weeek is already midterms. quarters go by so fast. classes are still going well. i'm excited about the projects i have in both classes. i love that in grad school the work you do can directly apply to your interests or what you want to do after school. its not like algebra 2. speaking of math i'm a little embarrassed to say that when i help the kids with their math i sometimes forget all the steps of long division or even fractions. how bad is that. well i gotta run off. i'm trying a new church today with some friends. live today with all your heart.

God speaks

do you hear his voice with your ears or your heart. does he tell you or show you. is it always want you want to hear. is it true. when are you sure. how do you know. is it as a father speaks or as a king speaks. are you the only one who hears. are you the only one who doesn't. can you feel it. do you sense it or do you know it. do you question him. do you doubt him. do you believe him. does he use words. does he use gut feelings. does he use silence. do you respond. do you ignore. do you pretend you didn't hear. do you know what he would say. do you know what he wants to say. do you know what he is saying. would you look if he showed you. would you listen if he spoke. would you come if he invited you. would you go if he sent you. would you wait if he asked you. do you know that it is Him?

missing you

this was the last day i saw these beautiful faces. it was a beautiful morning with our dear friends whom we grew to love and long for during my time in india. they are saying goodbye because we are leaving for the states and they are telling us to come again. i wish i could rediscover the simplicty of love and joy that captured me in the slums of kolkata. help me jesus.

taco tuesday

not only is it the first day of class, but its TACO TUESDAY! what is taco tuesday you might ask? well its 49 cent tacos at a little mexican restaurant near echo park. thanks to the directions i got from mari and the cardboard sign in the window, i'm sitting here stuffed with the most wonderful 49 cents tacos. what a deal! last night was my roommate jessica's birthday and we had a blast. we played pool, ate cake and i revealed the truth about my high school mascot. boy oh boy, i don't think i will ever hear the end of it, but for the record I'm proud to be a Spudder. They loved it even more that one of the elementary school's mascot was the tater tots. i mean cmon is there anything better than that? who loves small towns? tonight after some reading and possibly a nap is the conclusion of the Bourne movies. I liked the Bourne Supremacy better than the first one so we will see how the Bourne Ultimatum turns out. I'm so glad that classes have started and i get to see my school friends again.

the real me

when i look back at my last quarter i have to admit it wasn't great. i'm not sure it was even good. on the outside it was as expected, classes were fine, people were cool, etc, but on the inside i was dead. i didn't believe in much, feel much or care about much. i kept striving and hoping that enough of the right things would pull me from my funk. of course nothing did and as time went on i stopped following god, stopped living for him and actually just stopped living. it was depressing, tiring, and pointless. but there was something inside of me longing to be held and loved and reassured. such an ache to be saved and redeemed. and there were glimpes of peace and of his presence. refreshing as just a single drop of rain on my tongue. but enough. enough to make me stay. though i felt i had stopped walking with jesus, i at least did not walk away. i still heard a voice that said, "come" i didn't know how, why i should or even if i could. so all i could do was stop, wait and beg the lord to come to me since i was struggling to get to him. it was a strange time for me. feeling so absent from god's life, faith and spirit. so empty, so dry and it even felt like a waste of time. then finally something started to shift. move. begin.

i can't pin it down or say when or how it began, but i feel different. it could have been when i finally had to admit i didn't want to go back to india more than i wanted god's will for my life. if it wasn't him i didn't want it. i had to let go. or it could have been my time at home when i finally cried at church in his presence and the laying on of hands. i sensed that god cared that i was away and loved me still the same. how refreshing! and it might have just been being away and realizing when i came back i'm here for a reason and on purpose. all of these things would seem to make sense but the truth is it was more of an act of God's mercy than anything i have done the last few weeks. his mercy is a breath of fresh air in my polluted life. so this takes me to 2008. a new beginning. not just a second chance or a do over. but a chance to discover him in my midst and on my side in a new way. new dreams, new ways, new places, new faith.

i feel like i can pray again. ask again. take risks and believe in him again. my all is in him, nothing else. i am not who i was. i want to discover why i was made. it is amazing the power of grace to wipe the slate clean. the way the cross reminds me of my dependence. the way the spirit just needs a spark to start a fire in my heart. in the end it all takes me back to the one who loves me the most.