The Countdown

My summer adventure to South Africa is finally getting close enough that I have begun counting the days. I made the two day road trip home with a car packed with what was left over from 5 years in Los Angeles. All the cliches describe it, " a new season", "a new chapter","the turning of a new page". As much as the unknown causes anxiety it has also resulted in the joy of anticipation. What's next? A summer internship in South Africa. After that? I have no idea. In a way its comforting because I know I can focus on the moment and the new experiences that are ahead of me without being too concerned about the next step before the first one has even happened. I had this same feeling before I left for India not having any idea what I was going to do when I returned. I believed then and believe now that this experience will have an impact on future decisions. First things, first.

I heard from my internship coordinator who began to paint the picture of what my summer will look like. As a resident of the township I am humbled to have a chance to learn from his experiences and his own journey of faith. His heart to stay and serve in the neighborhood that he grew up in despite the challenges of poverty is truly inspirational. It will be a blessing to be mentored and discipled by the team leaders who are also African. Along with youth ministry we will have time for fun things too including going on a Safari. This is on my bucket list which is so exciting! I'm just as excited as I am nervous.

In my devotions the Lord has spoken to me the words and scriptures related to "preparing the way". It is an antecedent statement that occurs in the prophets as they declare to Israel the hope and coming of the Messiah. They must have spoke with such conviction and vision. The Lord has been prompting me to prepare the way in my own life through worship, prayer and most of all hope for such an encounter with the Living God. I pray I have daily encounters with the presence of God that reminds me more is on the way.

fear or faith?

i think that fear is a feeling and faith is an action. its like the difference between expectation and acceptance. i can have all kinds of expectations, but when they are not met i can easily turn to fear. fear that i did something wrong, fear that i missed something, and fear that it wasn't supposed to be like this. some people might say that we shouldn't have expectations because we could be let down, but i say have expectations and when they are not met practice faith.

just for today

this journey has kept me holding on moment by moment and breath by breath. i have discovered the gift of a new day and another chance. we can't really live more than a day at a time. the sun will eventually shine and the clouds are never far off. we are caught in the rythm of life. it is a tiring and hopeless fight to change what we are powerless over. i want to call a trial, a trial and a celebration, a celebration. i want to live passionately holding onto what is immovable, unshakeable and unchanging.

a second glance

If I found what I found in india because of india then I could believe that its only in india. I could worship india. I could compare it to everything else. If I found what I found because of something great inside of me, then I may believe that I will always be great. If I found god because I found poverty I could worship the poor. But if I found God, then found passion, then found life, then found calling, I have something to follow. I have something that could take me anywhere, that could make me doing anything. If I want it to be like it was in india then I'm living in the past. To live in the present means I only have to find one thing, not many things and all i have to do is live from my heart.

we don't chant or hold hands...

We are here because there is no refuge, finally from ourselves. Until we confront ourselves in the eyes and hearts of others, we are running. Until we suffer others to share our secrets, we have no safety from them. Afraid to be known, we can know neither ourselves, nor any other, we will be aloone. Where else but in our common ground, can we find such a mirror? Here, together, we can last appear clearly to ourselves not as the giant of our dreams, nor the dwarf of our fears, but as a person, part of a whole, with our share in its purpose. In this ground, we can take root and grow, not alone anymore as in death, but alive to ourselves and to others.

what to do but

go aste aste
day by day
walk by faith
take the narrow road
walk away from the closed door
walk through the open one
wait at the cross
anticipate the empty grave
believe in the end,
we can say, it was God and his glory.

on time

For everything there is a time
nothing is all the time
neither joy nor sorrow
when it's time to grieve, grieve
when it's time to rejoice, rejoice
ready or not time passes
it spends itself
time is
an enemy to dreams
a window to the divine
the expectation of the hopeful
when it's time, give
when its time, give up
when it's time,
it's time to live.

new things/korean style

Something about this year smells new. i try to make a resolve at the beginning of each year to try something new. i feel like this year, more than others, i'm a little more open. these may seem small but...

i drove during rush hour to downtown LA, twice
i tried two new restaurants (both korean)
i ate twice in korea town
i went to a korean mall/grocery
i have generously added rice, seaweed and spinach to my diet

noticing a theme?
i was at a korean restaurant with my friends and i told them i was the most "white" person at the table, but then my roomie pointed out, i was also the most korean. go figure.

mugol (eat more!)

food was a BIG part of our trip. The older people take care of the younger people by telling them to eat more. They put food on your plate as soon as its empty, before you can even ask or refuse. i learned to eat slower and always leave a little on my plate. The other thing you can count on is that there will be multiple rounds of eating. The nature of my trip only added to such truth because every time i met someone new they had always prepared such a feast! we ate great food and we ate often. the meat there is so tasty and we ate a lot of seafood too. at times the seafood was a bit of a stretch, but you have to try everything. the fruit in korea was awesome. it was apple, orange and pear season. they were all so juicy and fresh. we ate fruit after every meal. if we went out to dinner than we ate it when we got home. one time my sister put a plate full of apples in front of antonia and i. we were eating, watching tv, enjoying the yumminess. next thing you know the rest of my family gathers around. i look at the plate. there were only 4 or 5 slices left! whoops, i guess those apples were for everyone. i couldn't believe we ate almost the whole plate. they make it so easy with these cute mini forks they bring out especially for dessert. i have already been craving meat and as for the fruit i found some korean pears at costco, but i haven't tried them yet. i don't want them to ruin how i remember such amazing fruit and i think next week i'm hitting korea town for some bbq.

Patient Bear

A new year equals a new motto, a new slogan, or something to remind me what life's really about. Well this year its kinda a punch in the gut, yep you feel it. It's to wait. I know, not exciting or is it?

As part of my Christian faith I believe that God has a will that he desires for all of us and I believe God often imparts or reveals it to those who ask him. How do you know its God's will? Well, first you have to know God. Ever said, "that is totally so and so...?" It's because you know them, you know who they are and sometimes why they do the things they do. Same with God, as you get to know Him, you start to get to know who He is, and why He does some of the things He does. All this to say, part of the journey of faith for me is being able to trust His will, when i don't like it, i don't understand it or i don't want it. This remains a struggle at all times.

The second thing about my faith is that I also believe in God's timing. I think that sometimes we get it right, but at the wrong time. For whatever reason, this is the harder of the two for me. I think its because that means sometimes while I might know, I still have to wait. Who wants to do that? We aren't taught or rewarded for waiting. Why do you think we have sayings like, "early bird, gets the worm," or "you snooze, you lose." We are a "get it done and get it done now before its too late", kind of society. This is both a positive and negative thing about us, but the overall message is that waiting is not rewarded.

This brings me to my korea trip. One of the many times we were "road trippin" in the mini van I asked my sister's friend what the korean belief about creation was. I gave the example that Christians generally cite Adam and Eve. She told me that there was a heavenly prince that wanted to rule earth and there were two animals that wanted to be turned into humans; a bear and a tiger. The Heavenly King set a test before the tiger and the bear, to see who would be turned into a human. Both animals were sent into the forest and they had to wait there, only eating the food the Heavenly King gave them. The one who could wait the longest in the forest, only eating the ration of the King's food, would win. The tiger was the first to go and flee the forest to eat. Therefore the bear becomes a woman and marries the prince. Their child becomes the first king of Korea. Ok, whats the moral of the story? To the koreans the hero is the patient bear because in the end he is the one rewarded.

This struck me as quite unique and as i think about it more, it makes my 2010 a little more exciting. What if our society valued waiting? Like "wait as long as possible to get married because it will be a great reward." (this is not a belief koreans hold to. believe me, everyone knew someone they could set me up with because, yes i'm still single.) However, I think that waiting is something that not just the Koreans value, but God values.

Finally, to bring all these tangents together. The korean view of waiting is more comforting to me when i feel the pressure of my own society to get certain things done and get them done now. I inherently think waiting is hard and waiting too long is just wrong, because i'll miss something if i wait. However, God has been helping me to see that this isn't always the case and that what you do while you wait may be more important than how long you wait. So yes, someone who dreams so many things for myself and others is having a hard time with 2010's motto, but i will wait; and while i wait I will worship. I will worship a God who doesn't allow short cuts when its a matter of becoming who we are supposed to be. I will worship a God who knows all the desires of our hearts and whose timing is not our timing. And hopefully, I will worship when i'm tired of waiting and i want to be the tiger not the bear.

"Trust in Him at all times..." Psalm 62:8

unee(s) (older sister)

This is my sister Min Young, she is the 2nd oldest. She is the sister who first contacted me. She wrote the very first letter I receieved and is the one who I exchanged emails with for almost 2 years. Her and her husband both speak a little english which helped a lot during my trip. She is a special education teacher and I can tell she is great at it because of her warmth, joy and outgoing personality. She lives in Bucheon which is in between Seoul and Incheon. We stayed at her home most of the time, or at least the time we weren't traveling. My birth family was poor so Min Young was the one chosen, by her parents, to be sent to college. She is the only one of my three older sisters that went to college. She talked about the pressure that she felt to do well and take care of her family. She met her husband in college and they have traveled to Australia and New Zealand. They have two beautiful daughters that are ages 4 and 5. Her husband was also a lot of fun. A big ham in front of the camera.

This is my oldest sister, Chum-Yi. She has a boy who is 8 and a girl who is 7. She lives in Yeosu, their hometown. We stayed at her house over New Years. She is quiet and more resevered, but her strength comes from the Lord. When we were talking about our faith, she shared that her life was very difficult after her mom passed away and my two other sisters moved away. She said that it was through these difficult times that her christian faith became sincere. When I asked her what her favorite place in Yeosu was, she answered the Dolsan Bridge. My sisters grew up in a teeny house just under the bridge. She said they used to walk back and forth across the bridge to clear their minds or talk about life. Being the oldest child and the one to stay in Yeosu I wonder what her responsibilities were. She met her husband on a blind date. He was so sweet and sincerely emotional. He was sentimental and so caring. He sang to Antonia a korean song one night. He also is a big Beatles fan. He wanted us to sing "Let it be" all together. He really tried to communicate with us and was so friendly. He kept saying "we are one family."Oh, my favorite thing about him was that at the end of their wedding, he was carrying my sister down the aisle and he tripped, dropping her and face planting himself. ha. we saw the video.

My 3rd sister is Ji Young. My brother in law called us the "twin towers" because we look so similar. She is such a tropper because she is 6 months pregnant and still did everything. She was fun loving and sweet. We have the same laugh and my brother in law teased us plenty about that. Her daughter is 3 and a boy is due in March. Her and her husband also met on a blind date. I've been thinking maybe I should try my luck. She lives about two hours south of my middle sister. It seems as though the two families are close and they have children about the same age. In Korea, the first birthday is a really big celebration. I told her I would try to make it for her son's first birthday next year.

a proud emo (aunt)

i include this last one because my nieces are adorable, but also princesses. i bought them coloring books, dora, blues clues and barbie. the youngest one started screaming and balling when she got blues clues. why? because it was blue and not pink! haha! i felt so bad. luckily her older sister is a bit more easy going and was willing to switch. note to self, always bring pink.

ah-bo-gi (father)

When we first met he cried and as i tried to bow, he tried to hug, but either way it was a loving embrace. Quick recap: He only found out about me a year ago, because my mother gave me up for adoption without tell him. It is only after my sister and I had been emailing that my sister told him. He was really really happy. There was slight confusion however, when my father stepped out of the room and my sister asked me what my blood type was. Well, my blood type is B. The room erupted... "BBBBB????". Yes, i answered unsure what had caused the reaction. My friend who was translasting said, "it must be wrong." I asked why and she explained that my mother's blood type was A and my father's was O. Oh no?!?! is what i thought. Jokingly, i stuck out my arm and said we bettter figure this out. The room filled with endless korean as I thought how funny it would be to say "Hi father, you aren't my father." *gulp* Fortunately soon after my father came back into the room, they asked him is blood type. My family reacted with shock when my father said AB. I reacted with a sigh of relief. Glad we got that cleared up, that would not be awkward at all.

At the restaurant we went to for dinner after we met, my father was so happy he was pouring me Soju, a korean liquor, that I think is tasty. I probably had two shots and he had the rest of the bottle. This was the first night that we learned Koreans don't stop eating. When we had returned to my sisters house, we ate once again and this time, my Father who was still so happy, said we should celebrate. He brought out of the liquor cabinet a 30 yr old Scotch whiskey, poured me a shot glass and offered a toast. Now that, i had to chase with apples. We then exchanged gifts. My father gave me a pearl necklace that i'm wearing in the picture. It is so beautiful.

As any father would, he asked me about school and money. Wanting to now how my desire to be a missionary was going to provide me with enough money. My attempts to try and share with him, i don't need a lot of money, didn't seem to put him at ease, but he was happy to know that my family has enough money that i don't have to worry. Either way though, we gave me a incredibly generous sum of money on the day I left. He was caring, funny, outgoing and wanted to help in anyway he could.

ps. he kept calling me "charlie" instead of "karli" lol.

in case you think i'm making it up.... :)

Yep we are all family! (my mother's side)

All sisters, 2 brothers in law, 2 nieces, 1 nephew

2 sisters, 3 nieces, 1 brother in law, father and stepmom. toni and i.

i take my time

After getting back from Korea on sunday morning and by monday, learning i have a paper due thursday, it's easy to put the world on hold. But maybe that's okay and i can take my time catching up, doing a little each day. I just put my korea pics on my computer last night. I haven't blogged or emailed or showed up where there are lots of people to ask lots of questions. I'm still taking in not only korea, but the beginning of the year, the end of a season, the last year of seminary, hello's, goodbyes, gains and losses. To give the run of the mill answer, to blurt out the facts just doesn't seem like it does justice to what is bubbling inside my heart. I have changed. My life has too and i'm just not wanting to rush past all that its supposed to be. I'm searching for dreams and hopes for the future, for reconciliation with the past and gratitude and joy for the present. Life is such a gift and God's at the center, not me. I'm wondering "can I?", when i should be asking "can He?". I'm worried about "how will i?" when i should be excited about "how will He?". For all the goodness and richness that has found me, i owe it to Jesus. I need to give Him my life. I need to give Him my time.

i'm doing it.

ok, ok, WE are doing it. all the people that have loved me through the tears and failures of the hardest year of my life, are making it possible for me to enjoy some of the BEST moments of my life, when i meet my bio family in korea. i'm leaving dec 28th!! aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. aaaaaahhhhhhhh!! sorry, been kinda holding it in. :) crazy, crazy, crazy, year that is going to end in korea with my bio family. who would've believed it, not me.

its about all the people who believed in me, when i didn't. this year has been heartache for so many people. i have required tons of patience, butt-kickings, ultimatums, and tough love. I have found more grace, mercy, and love than i could ever imagine. The Lord and His people, my friends and family have made all the difference in the world. After everything, its still hard for me to believe i get to do this. ahem, that we get to do this.

Only the Lord Jesus, can make a way when there is no way. Only he can cover heaviness with garments of praise. Only he can create a new song. Only he can handle the mess I made and only he can make it new. the feeling of joy has been astray for a long time. you know, the kind of joy that makes you giggle, smile for no reason, talk really fast and high pitched, even jump a little in the air, yeah that, that is a gift from God. yes Lord, i'll receive it. i mean, we will receive it.

widows and orphans

before i saw your eyes
i answered
before you even asked
i decided
in my heart not to give
you a chance
listening ear
or helping hand

no love to share
time to offer
comfort to sacrifice
i pray
i didn't
look like the one
i follow

i cursed you with the tongue
i reserve for blessing
you found the pharisee
in me, the logging truck
in my eye

forgive me sister,
my heart grieves for the
lost chance
with deep shame, i beg for mercy
that you and your daughter
were entertained by angels

God deal with me
justly.
honestly.
keep my mouth from speaking

before my heart decides
by your grace to always
give
value
to who you value

family is...

the ones who know exactly what makes you laugh
the ones who know exactly what makes you mad
the ones who have been there through all life stages,
especially the akward middle school yrs and terrible haircuts
the ones who will return your presents with no shame
the ones who you fight with because you love so much
the ones who always repeat your embarassing childhood stories when guests are around
the ones who tell you its ok to dream of being the first woman in the NBA and NFL
the ones who laugh at you even when you are trying to be serious
the ones who make sure you don't go hungry and the oil in your car has been changed
the ones who you want around when you are sick
the ones you miss during the holidays
the ones you go home to
the ones who love you no matter what
the ones you are proud to call family.

hi family!

today i am celebrating me. well not really, me, but i'm celebrating having a family. today 26 years ago my parents became parents. I arrived fresh off the plane from korea into the loving arms of my mom and dad. being adopted kinda means you have two birthdays. today i will celebrate being a "saathoff". people look at me down here and think my last name should be kim, lee, kwon, anything asian, but its not, saathoff's are from texas. this is a special day for me and my family. so a shout out to my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, my favorite baby sis, my wonderful mom and dad. no nieces or nephews yet, boo, you better get on that. here's to pac 10 football, the portland trailblazers, fishing at buoy 10, egg nog cake, chocolate zucchini bread, "chicken tuna" sandwiches, my mom's amazing hospitality, my dad's generosity, my sister's laugh. cheers to my family who makes me, me.

deep breath

"In order to be at peace, it is necessary to feel a sense of history - that you are both part of what has come before and part of what is yet to come. Being surrounded, you not alone; and the sense of urgency that pervades the present is put in perspective: Do not frivolously use time that is yours to spend. Cherish it, that each day may bring forth new growth, insight and awareness. Never allow a day to pass that did not add to what was understood before. Let each day be a stone in the path of growth. Do not rest until what been intended has been done. But remember - go as slowly as is necessary in order to sustain a steady pace; do not expand energy in waste. Finally do not allow the illusory urgencies of the immediate to distract you from your vision of the eternal." In Spiritual Crisis: surviving trauma to the soul.