GU, ER, BD

I went to Generation Unleashed this weekend. It was really good as always. Good teaching, awesome speakers, God rocks. It was different for me this time. I knew it would be though, God is working in a different way than before. Forget everything i ever said about not being a cryer, cuz that has changed in the last two weeks. Nothing but jesus used to make me cry, but now I cry all the time. Most of the time its just been a lot more Jesus, but still its humbling cuz its not just crying, but people actually seeing me cry. YIKES! Humble pie...
This weekend I also had my first ambulance ride. I can't really say much about it cuz i was totally out it, but I had to go to the ER and I was in so much pain I couldn't move so my dad had to call the ambulance. It was a crazy afternoon. I had the worst cramps of my whole life and I was in the most severe pain I could ever imagined. It hit me all of sudden right when I woke up to go to church. I think I was starting to go into shock,cuz my dad said I was pale, weak, cold, sweating and shivering. It hurt so bad I couldn't move or really talk. Anyways I went to ER and by the time I got there I was already feeling better, so I felt stupid. All that drama for an anti-climatic ending. They just sent me home and I was still feeling weak and tired so I slept the rest of the day. Then my parents drove me and my car home last night. I didn't go to work today cuz I still don't feel great, but 100x better than the pain I was in yesterday.
So i'm fine, but I needed some comfort last night so an amazing friend came over and I bought the Bethany Dillion cd that we listened to constantly when we were in hawaii. I wasn't much of a bethany dillion fan before that trip, but now it puts me in my happy place. These last couple weeks I've really needed a happy place so great music and great company were just what i needed to make it a great night.

Feb. 3

Do you ever get tired of worrying about the same things? I am tired of this big question mark that I feel like is staring me right in the face, so I'm going to take the first step of faith. I'm overwhelmed by all the decisions I have to make so I'm just going to focus on the first one. God and I talked and by faith I will make my decision with peace and promises by Feb 3, 9 days from now. I am deciding whether or not to take my National Certification Exam to become an Athletic Trainer on April 2nd. There is plenty of human wisdom for whatever I decide, but I'm seeking only God's power to open or close the door. please pray for me.

i don't have any reason to say no

God said he wanted a year after graduation, where I couldn't work or go to school and my only reward could be Him and His Kingdom. I was thinking a ministry internship, but is God thinking a year in missions? I could combine ministry and my degree for a year somewhere like africa or asia. I say to God, " Why Lord, I am not a missionary." God says to me,"Maybe you are."

The truth is

Well the truth is that I already knew the answer to the question I posed in my last blog. Last Saturday in church I realized that I couldn't go to Super Sunday and so I prayed about it. God gave me the most amazing peace about going to the meeting and missing super sunday. He said basically the same thing that you did britt, that faith chooses the impossible. When has a meeting ever been better than church????? By faith, sunday's meeting is going to rock. Britt you are like JESUS! But I already knew that. :) I also wrote my support letter for the trip this week and I got really excited and emotional about the whole thing. God also told me to ask Pastor Asim and Lisa if they would pray over me since I was missing sunday. I talked about it with Lisa on wed. so hopefully that works out. I just got all stressed out and anxious about life. At this point I'm fully convinced that this meeting is where I am supposed to be and I'm excited about it. I can't put it into words, but its God.

In Donald Millers book Blue like jazz, he has an amazing supernatural experience in which God speaks to him. A few moments later he began to doubt it and asked God to speak to Him again, but God answered, " Why should I tell you again? You heard me the first time." I don't know why we doubt, I guess because God doesn't always make sense and its hard to trust things that don't make sense.

Psalm 25 is my favorite psalm and in verse 9 it says, " He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way." I realized recently that this verse doesn't say "they will automatically know my way." We wish it said that, but it says "He teaches." This must mean that instead of just knowing God's way, we have to LEARN God's way. Learning requires perseverance, time and patience. I haven't learned something completey new in a long time. Sometimes I like to make it a new years resolution, but I haven't done it in awhile. Learning the guitar was the last thing and that was like 3 years ago. The older I get the less new things I learn how to do because I run out of time and patience. Is that how we treat learning God's way? Do we give up on God's way because it isn't familiar right away so we run out of time and patience fo it? In verse 10 God promises that His way is loving and faithful and in verse 12 He promises that it is chosen just for us. In all my life questions I just want to know the answers, but I think the Lord rather teach me answers. I want God's way with all my heart so I must be willing to learn it.

I'm obssesed

with Church. I was supposed to work tomorrow night at the mens bball game in wilamette, but I was stressed out cuz that would mean I couldn't go to church at all this weekend. Being the desperate church addict I am I called in a favor and switched someone so I can work tonights game instead. However, my first spring serve meeting is Sunday night so I would have to miss Super Sunday service at Church. Which just in case you don't know, its the coolest church thing only behind generation unleashed. I had decided to miss church sunday night and go the meeting because it seemed like the right thing to do, but in light of recent events I feel like going to church is the only way I am going to survive. So now I have this dilema again and I'm stressing out like a drug addict trying to find their next fix. I never knew that being addicted to God could be so stressful. here are the

pros...

Church
- the most amazing anointed prophesy, prayer and worship time of the year. (besides GenUnleashed)
- I'm lost and desperate for God.
- My spirit is straved for the Holy Spirit.
- Church is the only other thing I have besides God.
- My heart just really needs encouragement and to know things are going to be ok.

Meeting
- I could meet the people I'm going on the serve trip with
- We are supposed to decide our normal meeting time
- It would be a good statement of integrity since i committed to this trip

cons...

Church
- everything, I hate missing church.

Meeting
- I feel like my team and leaders would think I'm skipping out or not committed to this trip.

this is a readers poll. Your vote matters. Britt if you are the only one that reads this than your vote REALLY counts.

Ps you have to pick one, i can't do both.

Stop being afraid

"Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent. For I am with you and no one is going to attack and harm you, because I have many people in this city." Acts 18:9

2 days off

I'm currently enjoying what would now be my weekend. I have today and tomorrow off from work in tualatin and too much time on my hands. Well, not really because there is always something to do, but there isn't too much I have to do. No assignements, or homework, eventually I will have to start my research project for Senior Seminar. I won't bore you with my topic, but it has to do with the preventation of ACL injuries in female athletes. One sure preventation is not to get malled while playing mud football during finals week freshman year (miki ann). BTW what will be our finals week rendevous? I know we are four years older, but does that mean we are four years less crazy??? Mud football again, we never did finish our game? Or who knows what? Britt you video taped that night didn't you? Oh that ridiculous canoe. Well i guess i have a couple things to work on, but I'll leave you with some recent God thoughts...

Every battle has to be won in prayer first.
A stronghold is anything that is strong enough to hold you back.
Freedom is a seed that reaps holiness.
If we remember what Jesus has done for us, then there is no price too high we could pay for Him.
Are we who today's society loosely calls "christians" or are we fully devoted followers of Christ?
There are specific things that must happen this year, things that are divinely necessary. God has already determined the "musts" of our life, He is looking for one who will do it.

Code Names

I wish I could come up with cool code names for my 3 different "jobs"/ types of work. I can't just say I have to go to work because it could be 3 different "works". 1st work is my paid job in Tualatin. This is my real life full time paid job. I can't wait until my first full pay check. I keep working like 2 days in each pay period so my checks are small. I'm looking forward to what a true 40hr a week paycheck looks like. 2nd work is my athletic training hours which is unpaid, but required. I'm currently working with the GFU Men's basketball team and I'm traveling with them to Lewis and Clark tomorrow for their game. 3rd work is with Andrea Crenshaw helping her with small groups. I go up and help her in the office a couple days a week and then I help with the small group leaders. Meetings, one-on-ones, paperwork etc. This is just cause I wanted to be involved in ministry again somehow. Do you see the dilema? If i say I have to "work" tomorrow it just gets confusing. Currently I specify by saying Tualatin, athletic training or small group stuff, but how boring!! I like nicknames it makes things more fun :)
Britt I still haven't seen you yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where are you?????????????? BITTTTTTYYYYYYYYY!

Just for future reference here are my post grad options:

A. Athletic Training job ( High School or Physical Therapy Clinic)
B. Ministry Internship ( Seattle or San Diego or ?????)
C. Bible College (whoa!)
D. Full time Ministry (pastor?!?!?!?!, lets try assistant of the assistant of the assistant of the pastors assistant)
E. B,C
F. C,D

math folks, that gives me a 50% chance of ending up in bible college, an 83.3% chance of being in the ministry and a 16.7% chance of using my major.

A true calling from God is humanly impossible. A "job"should be the opportunity to get paid for what you love to do; simply a gift of Gods providence and blessing. A "ministry" should be just becoming the most like Jesus. We all get paid for ministry, how awesome is that! What a gift!

X-mas, New Years and Hawaii

Time flies when you are having fun. We are already a week into the new year, 2006. I loved the post on Britt's blog about the 90's!!! It was awesome cuz i could totally relate. In the 90's I never thought I would make it to 2000, let alone 2006! The rest of my time at home was great. My sister bought me Catch Phrase for x-mas so it was the center of attention for some unique family game time. It was hilarious! My mom and I always beat my dad and sis. Rach can always make me laugh. One time she looked at the screen enthusiastically and yelled, "I think it was a president...". While she was stumbling for clues the buzzer sounded and I looked to see what the name was. It was Nick Carter!!! HA!! I was like, "Boo, thats a backstreet boy!" Good times :) A couple days after x-mas it was off to hawaii with lacey and laura! We arrived to warm weather and sun! I certainly am not missing the rain. We met most of Mar's family (including dead relatives at the graveyard) over new years. It was fun to celebrate with traditions like visitng the graveyard, burning insense, making mochi and placing it around the house for good luck. Who knew rice cakes and tangerines brought good luck? I was also impressed with the fireworks. In hawaii they play fireworks like crazy people. They just light them in their hands and throw them out in the street like no big thing. I grew up with a little more conservative approach to fireworks, but i did light a fountain. My dad always told us it was too dangerous to light fireworks in your hand. Well, at midnight we went outside to play more fireworks. I got this bout of courage and I decided I was old enough to decide what was safe so I was going to light one firework in my hand and throw it in the street. The little neighbor kids were doing it, so it can't be that bad right? So lacey went first and came away with no harm, so now it was my turn. I light it and threw it into the street, it glowed, banged and then shot threw the air right into my thigh! Unreal!!! I didn't even look down, I just reacted with my hand thinking I was on fire. I was in shock for the rest of the evening laughing in unbelief that defying my father would lead to this. I'm glad this incident did not require remembering to "Stop, Drop and Roll."
While I'm here, my parents and sister decided on a whim to go to San Diego. It was totally random unplanned and unlike my parents. However I talked to them and they are having a blast. They went to the zoo and today they went to Sea World. Cool! Hawaii is better though, ocean kayaking, snorkeling, an ATV tour, new reef slipahs, new boardshorts, walking on lava fields from the volcano, getting stalked by a pufferfish, eating at bubba gumps and getting brown like an indian (as britt would say). Being sentimental and all, this type of vacation probably will not happen again for a REALLY long time. Its been worth it all.
Next up...my last semester, one credit, paid work, unpaid work, and graduation. Stay tuned.

home sweet home

I can't believe there are only 3 days until Christmas and 5 days until i leave for hawaii. It has been nice to be home with my family, it definetly has its benefits. Good food, company and the occasional allowance slipped into my pocket to cover the days expenses. However, my family also stresses me out. My mom gets kinda frantic and edgy preparing for the holidays. X-mas dinner is at our house this year and as of tonight we are expecting 32 people! That has got to be the largest family holiday ever. My family isn't that big, but all of my cousins are divorced and some have doubled the size of their families with husband #2 or boyfriends. I believe my entire family on my dads side is coming. Thats crazy. I think there will be 10 kids under 18. Its going to be crazy and my mom is already stressed out. There has also already been lil' sister drama between her and my mom. They bicker like kids and then yell like maniacs. They each have to get the last word in and they both are short tempered. Its not a good combination. My dad and I mostly stay out of it and try to be diplomatic. My parents need Jesus and my sis has Him, but needs more of Him. I'm not sure anyone is really, truly, happy. It break my heart. pray for them
Well i finally have all my x-mas shopping done. I just have to get stocking stuffers for my parents. When I was shopping the other day I accidently bought two things for myself at Old Navy. I found a pair of jeans for $15 and a sweet jacket for like $20. But i don't think I really need them so I might just take them back. I just thought i needed them and couldn't live without them, but I was wrong. I don't really need them at all so i don't really want them. Its true you shouldn't buy things for yourself while christmas shopping. I was at a christian bookstore today doing some shopping and realized that i wish i read more books. I like to read kinda, i guess. Well there are so many books i want to read, but i never finish books. Since this summer i have started 7 books and finished 1. Its so terrible. I don't know why i can't finish them. Maybe I just lose interest or something. Today at the bookstore there were like 5 books that i wanted to read, but even if i had them i don't know if i would finish the whole book. I brought two books home for break so i'm going to try and finish the one I'm reading right now and then maybe start the next one. We will see.. Its possible i won't read at all. I'm so ridiculous.
I was browsing the ministry tools section at the bookstore and found this book talking about finding God's calling for your life called, "When there is no burning bush". I read the statement, "a true calling from God is humanly impossible..." I just wrote in my journal last night that I wanted to take the way that was impossible for man, but possible with God. I want to know God more so that I can know what really is possible. Whats ahead of me feels completely impossible so does that mean it is completely God? My heart wrestles daily.I heard someone say that when you aren't sure what to do, choose the thing that takes the most faith. Thats so hard, but i guess it is supposed to be.

2 left...

I have 2 finals tomorrow and then I'm finished!!!! Thats pretty much exciting and then the stress of x-mas begins, with work, shopping, bills and family. It will be fun of course but go by fast. I can't believe this is my last real semester of school. Just like that, 4 1/2 years of college flew by. I'm starting to worry again about this whole post graduation, real world stuff, aka a job. I'm working now, but in april i will take my certification exam and hopefully become a certified atheltic trainer, which qualifies me for real work and and a real income. But then what? 4 months of that then onto the ministry? It would be easier if i planned on using my degree the rest of my life, but that my friends just wouldn't do it. It doesn't satisfy the deepest longing and satisfaction of my heart, but am I courageous enough to truly rely on God because I would have to present myself helpless. Is it doubt that he has called me or fear of the calling that I feel? Oswald Chambers said, " Don't worry about knowing your calling, but instead knowing the one who calls." wise man...

FRIDAY!

Well we finally made it to the last friday of classes and I will offically finish at 1:30pm. My brain with turn off at 1:31pm today until Sunday afternoon sometime after church. I have no reason to think about school between then. The weesner x-mas party rocked last night!!! Kudos to all involved. Job well done :) I have to go soon, but on the DL until further notice, I'm going on a Gulf States Serve Trip over spring break! I'm really excited. toodles...

whoa!

Our small group had a dinner tonight and it was a blast. It was possibly the funniest time I have ever had. We seriously were consistently busting up for like 2 hours over people's stories, comments and quirks. It was unbelievable how much we laughed and how funny people are. It was great. I haven't thought about it much but I'm less than two weeks and 1 large paper away from gradutaion. This is really my last school semester. Next semester I'll be working full-time, doing athletic training and writing my thesis. Academically not much stands between me and the end of college. Whoa! Its crazy. I'm going to graduate from college. I'm the first grandchild to graduate from college. None of my 4 older cousins graduated so my grandma reminds me everytime i see her that she has a front row seat at graduation. Its sweet though, cuz I know she is proud which makes me happy. I'm going to go from an old washed up college student, to a nieve, young, inexperienced graduate. Is it really the beginning of the rest of my life? If I live to be 100, school is like only 1/5 of my life. Whoa! Most of my "life" hasn't even happened yet? I think i'm going to start getting sentimental about Fox. So far it has provided the most life changing years I have lived. How are we supposed leave that? Well, I still have time to make the best of it with all my amazing friends that I will be sad to say goodbye to in April. Til then..carpe diem!

why are elephants so forgetful?

I have had the hardest time remembering things the last few days. Just in the last few hours I have added to my planner 5 things that I had completely forgotten about until right now. I hate that. I wish I could remember things better. I don't like when things sneak up on me. Like RIGHT NOW! I just remembered I have to call my parents back. My mom left a message Sunday and tonight i got the second worried phone call. just a sec..k. I'm worried I will forget something like going to work or something halfway serious like the chicken in the fridge I'm defrosting. Well i'm working tomorrow again so its off to bed.

Readers Digest

When somone says give me/I'll give you the "readers digest version", what does that mean? I thought it meant the short version, but I don't think readers digest is that short. Does anyone know? Brittany? Anyways that is how i'm going to use it cuz this is going to be a quick overview of the last couple days.

school = good
work = good
family = good
friends = good
dog = good
car = good
weekend = good
snowman = good
housemates = good
free time = good
future = good
past = good
day = good
night = good
afternoon = good
evening = good
sleep = good
nap = good
socks = good
week = good
heart = good
homework = good
this blog = good
life = never this good
God = always better

thank you

Today flew by with a whirlwind of emotions. I woke up lazy and sad, then it was bored and lonely and now i'm encouraged and humbled. The key ingredient was God of course, but God through two amazing friends. I'm never one to really show i need other people cuz i'm too prideful, but today when I needed encouragement, maybe without even knowing it two friends held by breaking heart. It was just their company, stories and conversation that God used to remind me He is faithful. I needed something to remind me God was still on my side and I got it. I'm thankful for friends like that.

I'm humbled in the presence of God and my heart is just curled up at His feet. The weight of my burdens is lifting and the hope that tomorrow is going to be ok is refreshing. Tomorrow is my first day of work and contrary to previous anxiety I think it will be ok, possibly even really good. I still have to get up hecka early so i will be retiring soon. I'm glad i'm starting on a saturday cuz i don't have much this weekend or school stuff to stress me out. I just have work and then church tomorrow night cuz i have to work again sunday. It should be a good day.

"Thy rod (protection) and thy staff (support) comfort me"

I arrived today!

22 years ago today at about 1pm at SeaTac airport, I got a family. I was born in May a little baby orphan, then was in foster care and finally in my parents arms dec 1 1983. We call it my special day cuz it was a special day for all. My mom says I was wrapped in a blue blanket and there was another baby coming from korea in a pink blanket. Guess which one they got first? Yep, not me. The new mom instincts went for the baby in the pink blanket cause they knew they were getting a girl. However, when they went to dress their new baby for the first time they discovered the baby in the pink blanket was a boy. Akward! HA! I laugh about it now. I bet they were surprised. What do you say, "Eh excuse me i think you have my baby..." The airport always says to check your tags because there could be similar looking baggage. I mean getting the wrong suitcase is understandable, but the wrong baby! YIKES! So they did a little luggage switcharoo with the other family there, but kept the pink blanket and gave the boy the blue one. There you have it folks, that is why today is so special..

PS 3 years later my little sister arrived at the airport and i was there with my parents to pick her up. Hello, a new baby sister, thats exciting until she starts getting all the attention and love so you want to take her back. Back to the airport cuz thats where babies come from. It messed me up for years.... :)

there's only one

who hears your scream, when you don't even make a sound?
when all your tears inside, never hit the ground

who is there when nothing makes it go away?
when nothing changes, no matter what they say

who can hold your breaking heart?
the moment a million pieces tear it apart

who can touch the part, you will never show?
when you are alone and no one else will know

who will carry your burdens, when they are presssing in?
so you can lift your head to see the way again

who sees the wounds opened by fear and shame?
when healing takes too much time and too much pain

who is there when you are ready to be done?
just Him forever, there is only one

I'm employed!

Hello, real world! I decided it was time to get off my butt and go find a job. I have always had a bad attitude about job hunting because it can be so tedious. But the best advice i ever got was in my 9th grade Life Skills class. My teacher said that you should dress up when you go in to pick up an application and fill it out there in case they ask you for an interview right away. Her advice has never failed cuz i have always gotten the job the same day I filled out the application. This time i threw in a resume just to make sure, but it worked. I'm going to be a caregiver at an assisted living facility in Tualatin. They mostly have residents with dementia or alzhiemers and they are so dang cute. I don't think most people can appreciate the tender hearts of the elderly, but God carved out a little place in my heart for them. I really love working with them, even though its hard and sad at times, they teach you so much. I love the twinkle in their eyes when they smile or share a story with you. I'm looking forward to starting, but any new job takes some getting used to especially this one cuz i start at 6:30am. Now that I have entered the working world its early to bed. I'm going to start full time next semester so hopefully i will get used to it, but its still so early. Pray for me, God is real.

its almost snowing

Britt said that if i started a blog i had to make the commitment to write regularly. I'm trying to remember, but the end of semester rush is coming soon even for those of us with only 5 credits. Britt since you are the only one that reads this does it get boring if you keep reading about yourself? Well just in case, britt is insanely jealous of my special day gift. Its not really that ipod that is bothersome, but the fact I get a special day. We were trying to come up with ways to create special days for those children who arrived more naturally then those adopted folks. Someone suggested, I think it was britt, that it be the day the baby was concieved. Nicole added brightly the addition of where and how, but yikes we are talking about our parents. I don't know about you but that makes the mind wander places it shouldn't. And hopefully by now, we all know "how" it happened. I think my special day is mostly for my parents. To them it is like my birthday because it was the day they first saw me, held me and named me even though it was in the SeaTac airpot. Last year I was so crazy busy my parents called me but i didn't have time to call them back and my dad was sad. I felt bad. Its important to them and me too I guess.

Its freezing outside today and it started to rain, but I was examining closely for any hint of snow. I bet Mar it would snow and if it does she has to wear the most outrageous bright green PSU beanie. Its awesome, so I hope it snows soon. The brita came in handy again last night. A couple weeks ago we used it to wash the ice off miki's frozen car. This time it was for washing frozen, moldy, slimly dog poo off Mar's shoe. It was only like 2 weeks old..yuck! We couldn't wash it in a sink or shower so we had to do it outside. It took a stick, TP and the brita to get the job done. whoa! the things i do for my friends...

Final, God thought. Do you ever think about what it means that God is "Holy". I think we throw that word around way too much without really knowing what we are saying. I know that I will say that automatically without even thinking about is His real character. "Holy" thats a pretty powerful adjective because I can't think of anything in this world that people would even loosley say is holy. Occasionaly i think i get a sliver of what it might mean when I'm worshiping and I get overwhelmed, weak in the knees, teary eyed praising my God, but even that is probably not it. The angels in heaven must get it cause all they say is "Holy, Holy, Holy.." Hmm, Lord help me to believe and experience your Holiness.