zero fun sir!

Recently I have been incredibly blessed by friends. Yes its the end of the quarter so most of the time I'm studying, but this last week there certainly wasn't a shortage of fun. Last Saturday I went to a LA Galaxy game. It was an exciting game and it was cool to see David Bekham play. After the game and a cup of coffee it just wasn't time to go to bed so a couple friends and I decided to go slacklining. Slacklining if i haven't told you is this line/rope that you tie between two trees and then try to walk across. It is really hard, but a good challenge. It has been our new hobby lately. We stayed out that night til about 3am slacklining, throwing the frisbee, wrestling, and laying out on the grass under the street lamps. Next morning i didn't have church so the same friends plus many more made and ate sunday brunch together. It was delicious. Then of course memorial day wouldn't be complete without a BBQ so we went over to the boys place and they BBQ'd for us and we played games, were introduced to the Tim Tam Slam and of course the evening wouldn't be complete without a little slacklining. Needless to say, I had a great 3 day weekend and am so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people.

The next two weeks is paper writing extravaganza. I have two final papers but I'm kinda excited to write them so i'm hoping they won't be too bad. I will probably be moving sometime this summer so i have started looking into places. I signed up for my summer classes, got summoned for jury duty and hopefully will book my ticket soon for kanook summer fun 08 complete with mountains, cars, flannel and cows. :)

quick one liner

as i think about those who have much and those who have little, one obvious solution is that the who have much just do a better job of sharing. we make it more difficult than it is, but instead of 2 for me, 1 for you why not 1.5 each? anyways in my humble opinion all of us that can read this have enough to share. it might mean you have less, but oh well. so i was in this meeting with my small group leaders talking about how we were going to encourage people to give generously to this offering we have at church that will go to outreach. as i was explaining this might be easier for some and harder for others. this girl says:

"yeah some might say God, I don't have enough to share."

I laughed. out loud. i didn't mean to, but i did. She didn't. She meant it. i apologized. i bit my tongue and sat on my hands. it proved my point i guess. it will be harder for some.. Lord have mercy on me.

its good to have friends

you can laugh with, be serious with, cook with, play with, stay up late with, plan with, be spontaneous with



who are honest, who are humble, who are trustworthy, who think of others, who are not perfect, who forgive



who know you, surprise you, laught at you, teach you, accept you, care for you, challenge you



who you admire, look up to, dream with, dream for



who can be angry, insecure, insensitive, selfish, frustrated, grumpy, prideful, unreasonable,



who remind me, I can be too.



I have been reflecting a lot on the african idea of community. This idea that "I am well when we are well." It is such a foreign concept for most of us who live in a very individualistic culture. It was reinforced for me when I watched some video my friend had that just came back from africa. Her team traveled to villages and had time to play with kids and teach them some games. My friend and her team would teach the kids a game and then the african children would teach them one. Of course a classic, one that i have used before is Duck, Duck, Goose. The kids were so cute cheering and chasing one another around. When it was time for the african children to play they all formed a circle and started clapping and singing beautifully. There was one person in the middle and the "game" was to choose someone from the circle and you both danced together in the middle. Then that person would pick the next person to dance with and so on and so on. No winner, no loser, no competiton, no individuals, none of that mattered. There were just always two kids in the middle dancing together. If you would try and get a group of kids here to enjoy or even see the point of a "game" like that, they would be bored or think its stupid.


The contrast in values that I saw in a simple children's game has been yelling at me this past week. It makes me think and pay attention to how i "play" with my friends and others. We would like to think that false humility is the antidote, but in the end we are still trying to win, be first and be better than others. This all ties back to the difference between what we do and who are; a theme that keeps coming back for me this quarter.In our game your identity is how good you are at something compared to everyone else, in the african game your identity comes from being part of the group; belonging to each other. I think i'm drained by a culture that tells people it is what we do that makes us who we are or its what we can't do that makes us worth less. I'm drained by my own judgements of people. I feel like i have the right to determine who is worth my love, but if i'm in christ its not my love, but Christs love that i say i offer. Therefore I shamefully determine who is worthy of God's love, but I say its God's love when really its nothing but my counterfeit. this makes me a fool. this is why i need friends, this is why i need those who are hungry, angry, selfish, judgemental, and broken. they keep me accountable. when its God's love it can bear fruit in me and through me that will last. when its my love I don't do anything. Apart from him i do nothing. Apart from him i cannot love.

nothing is wrong

I just need to talk, run, scream, kick, yell, process, get all this energy out. I feel like i'm about to burst. i want to fight. i want to push the limits. i'm stressed. i want to stay up all night. i want to walk in the rain, sit in the cold, throw punches at the air, do things i shouldn't. i'm fired up, i'm hurt, i'm frustrated. i don't have words. i don't have reasons. i'm emotional. i'm tired. i want to hide. i want to be noticed. i want it to go away. I want to let it out.

1999

Today I went to starbucks with a friend after church. While we were sitting there talking, I recognized a friend from home I hadn't seen in 9 years. We went to high school together and played on the soccer team together. She was two years older so she graduated in 1999. I don't think i have seen her since then. it was so CRAZY! Most of the memories i have are from when i was 14 and 15 years old. scary! She just moved here in the fall to go to medical school. We completely lost touch. I can't believe we ran into each other in a random starbucks today.

Birthday weekend

Today ends a long and enjoyable birthday weekend. Thursday night i had some friends from church and school over for a game night and birthday cake. It was a fun evening and i felt very loved. My parents came in on Friday night and we had a great birthday breakfast together on Saturday morning before I had to work. We found this really cute breakfast place near campus that I had never noticed before. The kids at work were sweet, making me cards and wishing me happy birthday way too many times. I took some of my leftover birthday cake to share with them. I took sunday off so my parents and i headed to malibu for mothers day. The weather wasn't great, mostly overcast, but we walked around some shops and went out on the pier. We had dinner at this great place called Duke's. It was recommended by a friend who went to school in Malibu. It might have been the best dinner out in a long time. It was located on the beach so we sat by the window and looked out onto the ocean. I ordered coconut shrimp and steak, basically two of my favorite things. It was delicious! I also experienced the first advantage of being 25; I finally look 21! At least according to the waitress who didn't ask for my ID when i ordered a drink. Monday we spent shopping, my parents are too good to me, and had happy hour with some of my good friends from school. My parents left this afternoon and now that i'm finished with my paper, the rest of the evening includes taco tuesday and the movie Dan in Real Life. The perfect conclusion to a sweet weekend. I feel super blessed and loved by family and friends.

teary eyed

I'm not a good cryer. It is not generally the way i express emotion. My professor tonight in my spirituality and mission class talked about how she was at a prayer meeting where the pastor was praying for the release of spiritual gifts. For her that night she received the gift of tears. She says that there are times when she is burdened in her spirit and literally moved to tears, but as she begins to pray and intercede she generally feels it lift and is at peace. I thought that was pretty incredible and beautiful really.

I, on the other hand, even when i want and need a good release of tears can't always make it come out. A couple months ago I was in a restless place where i no longer had words or strength and just longed for one of those really good cries. I wanted to cry, but i didn't feel like i could. Usually when i need a good cry, I just have to go to a cooperate worship service or watch a sad movie. Its silly, but a friend and i decided to try the sad movie route. We googled the "saddest movies"and ended up picking Steel Magnolias. I'm sorry if i sound insensitive or mean, but we ended up laughing through the whole movie! It was so ironic because all the reviews talked about how this movie was such a classic tear jerker etc. It could have been that it was an older movie, set in the south, the big hair or dolly parton. i'm not exactly sure what it was, but it was not a good movie; so bad it made us laugh. After all that anticipation we couldn't end our "sad movie night" on that note so we watched Blood Diamond. I didn't cry, but it was a really good movie. I was hoping if the move didn't do it, church would, but so far no tears yet.

Then tonight in class we worshiped and then interceded for Mynamar where a cyclone has killed approx 15,000 people. We just prayed with the people sitting next to us and wow, i got teary eyed, just barely, but i was moved by the presence of God. I'm not sure what it was, but I felt it. maybe i need to focus less on myself.

59,17,9

59 cents - the current price of the previously priced 49 cent tacos on tuesdays

17 - the name of a ridiculous magazine that I was reminded of at work when a couple of girls, who are only 11 and 12 years old mind you, where reading it. remember all those quizzes?? does he like you?, what type of girl are you? how to tell if she is a real friend? don't get me started on these magazines, but it did remind me of a time in 8th grade when a friend of mine wrote into the magazine about losing her virginity and they actually published it with her initials and our town. i did what any good friend would do, i lied for her and we tried to squeeze it off onto someone else. it was quite the drama at the time. teenagers and a small town are not always a good combo.

9 days - until i'm 25. "grin"

My quirks

Like everyone i have things that make me unique and probably a bit odd, but they make me, me. I prefer to search through the movies A-Z when i'm at blockbuster. Starting anywhere but the A's throws me off. As previously stated I organize my shirts in my closet by sleeve length, eating Melon makes my ears itch and i hate when cabinet or cupboard doors are left open. frozen bread is not my favorite either. "shudder..." these are just silly things, nothing i'm too attached to i hope. Then I have these other quirks that are no easier to understand, but are more than just preferences. Perhaps, they are more like convictions or at least I would like them to be. I have added one to the list this week. No more food eating contests.

This taco tuesday we talked ourselves into a taco eating contest. At 49 cents a taco its a reasonable and affordable challenge. Some people could enjoy the first place, 3 way tie of 9 tacos and rice and beans, but i could not. Being stuffed fuller than i can imagine as if food is a luxury or just a game left me feeling inconsiderate and selfish. What pains me more is that i felt it wasn't right but did it anyways. You can call me weird or call it silly, but I cannot enjoy it when a very dear friend of mine and her family in India survive on 1 meal a day. When her younger sister is barley more than skin and bones and her other sister's cute pot belly is due to worms and malnutrition. They live in a slum along the road i traveled often and it became my favorite place to be. It is not just knowing them or their situation that fuels my shame, but its that i claim to love them and they loved me. I acted as if they are less important or valuable than the friends I sat at the table with. You may not see the connection between a seemingly harmless taco eating contest and the poverty and hunger in the world but I feel it down deep.

Dear Beloved,

I need to ask for your forgiveness. I take responsibility for my offense. There is no excuse for my carelessness. I was selfish and inconsiderate. I know the act does not seem that great, but its my heart that grieves me. If you were in my presence I would have never acted the way I did and to do so in secret, like I could get away with it, is even more humiliating. Most will not understand, but I must take responsibility for what I have not just seen or heard of from a distance, but for what I have walked through, sat in and held in my hands. You welcomed me into the little you had and still gave me all you could. No matter what i did i could not out give you. The least i can do is honor your sacrifice and let it teach me. Please keep reminding me because I tend to forget what reality is. Its easier for me to live in another world that demands less of me. I do call you friend and I want you to know i mean it. Jesus has broken the barriers that could've been. You are no less valuable or lovable to me. You offer me accountability and love that no other friend can. I'm thankful for you. Forgive me for not being more considerate. I am far from perfect but for all that you taught me, its the least I can do.

Bhalo thako. Dekha hoybe.

Spring Cleaning

Yesterday I finally tackled the task of spring cleaning. It started with a car wash. I can't rely on the rain anymore. Then i moved onto my room: my bed, my desk, the walls, the floors, my closet are all dusted and sparklingly clean. Next was the wardrobe. I figured it was time to trade in the hoodies, sweatshirts and fleeces for t-shirts, shorts and of course my beach clothes. In my attempt to live with less and more simply by rule I try to keep only what I use. Its so easy to end up with so much I don't really need or ever use. It helps me to just pull out everything i have cuz once i see it all, there is always too much. It feels good to be organized. One ridiculous type A thing i did is hang my shirts in increasing sleeve length order. I don't think this is weird. I think it is helpful. This way all my tank tops are together, then my t-shirts, then my 3 quarter sleeves, then my long sleeves. Its a beautiful thing. It brings me joy. I don't see any other way.

live simply so others may simply live.

The boy i beat at basketball

his name is Jon.

I smell like burnt popcorn

Life has been full lately with both fun things and serious things. i'll talk about the random fun things. I really do smell like burnt popcorn. Without fail, i burn the popcorn at work. I blame it on the microwave. I beat a boy at basketball this week. It was fun. I won at horse twice. I started running again. well i mean i ran twice this week and tomorrow will be 3 times. i walked out of church on sunday partially cuz the pastor presented the need for maintenance on their fountain outside their church. it will cost 250,000 dollars. a great need he said. i disagree. i have been thinking about the controversy over the Olympics being held in china. http://www.dreamfordarfur.org/. be informed. do your part. these words are from one of my friend's songs: "May indifference never tempt someone to say, "it's not my fight,"Change is subject to the hope we hang onto with all our life,There is hope that all things will be made a new, but not right now,But you and I, we can try to make things right." I had decided I wasn't "called" to Africa and I didnt have the desire to really go. Now i'm thinking about going to Sierra Leone. wasn't my idea. I order the Greek Pizza when i go to California Pizza Kitchen. I'm eating my leftovers right now. I'm also listening to AIr1 online. i haven't listened to it in a long time. there is some new stuff. christian radio isn't that bad. i wish i could go to the beach tomorrow. its supposed to be 90 degrees. i want to go swimming. the rumor is true. i did watch Lord of the Rings. i have got to be careful or Pride and Prejudice might be next. i'm trying to take more study breaks for Jesus. less email and facebook. more prayer. although its late, i'm not tired so i'm going to read for fun.

Acres of Hope

He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand
She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don’t look back
For love is growing vineyards up ahead
You have called me master
And though you’re in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good

How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So the valley’s up ahead
Or the ones we live
We’ll sing together
We’ll sing together

We will sing
We will sing
Oh, to You
We will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead us away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

why?

A few months back 3 girls who were younger than me, but who i went to George Fox with got into a car accident. One of them died. She wasn't a friend, but i knew her and my mind raced with the various interactions i remember. Now a guy who was older than me, but who i went to George Fox with was hit by a car and died. I knew him through friends. What makes it worse in ways i can't imagine, is in the car that hit him were my two really good friends also Fox Alum. They are married now, but I went to the Philippines with him and lived and played soccer with her. They were friends with the guy who died. sick.

http://www.newsregister.com/news/story.cfm?story_no=233146

sister, sister

Its finally spring break and i don't like that it is going by so fast. Rach has been here since monday. We had an awesome time at the beach. We played in the sand, went swimming in the ocean and got a little sunburned. We also shopped in hollywood, enjoyed taco tuesday, the park and frisbee. Yesterday while i was at work antonia and my sister when shopping in old town. Much to my disgust the two of them are scheming against me, but don't worry i'm going to get to the bottom of it :). Rach is now visiting with a friend from HS who lives here in socal then heads home on saturday. It was great to have sister time.

Although i still have to work this week I have been able to do something fun everyday. Lent is over so i'm back to watching movies and eating cookies. Perfect timing for spring break. I'm a little nervous about next quarter. I decided to take the plunge and become a full time student. I will have 3 classes, work and whatever life is possible, if any. I just keep telling myself it is only for 10 weeks. For now, i'm going to enjoy the rest of my break and live somewhere between productivity and spontaneity. Bring it on!

maybe it just takes practice

This time we made it to our destination, Inspiration point. This time we followed the sign marked with an arrow that read "Trail". This time when we realized we missed the trail we turned back and found it. This time we made it without having to hang off any cliffs or walk along any edges. But, this time i decided to wear my chacos instead of shoes. This meant by the time we had gotten to the top I had the most amazing blisters on my heels and the sides of my feet. When you have to go back down the mountain another 3 miles whats a girl to do? Well you just keep going. I walked the entire way down, stopping a few times when i couldn't take it any longer with these raw bloody blisters shouting at me "you are an idiot for wearing sandals hiking!" My friend attempted to assist me by asking the hikers we passed for bandaids, but there were none to be found. The ironic thing is that before we left she asked me if she should bring some bandaids and of course i said "no way, we won't need bandaids!" When will i learn? The hike wasn't a complete failure. It was a beautiful sunny day. We escaped the stress of finals week for a few hours. We talked, we laughed, we shared life. We ended the day the only way possible, with taco tuesday of course. We had worked up an appetite on the trail and the tacos hit the spot. I don't think i will hike on the same trails again. I have made my peace with the mountain and it has left its mark on me. I don't need to do it again. I'm done.

my heart checkup

this week was the last week of classes and thursday in my art of evangelism class my professor read a commissioning prayer of sorts to us as we ended class. we all stood up and he spoke this blessing/charge/commission over us. it was just a short pause in the middle of my day to stop, remember and hear why it is i'm truly at seminary. i don't remember any of the actual words that were spoken, but i remember the reassurance I felt and the way the spirit moved in my heart. its true here at seminary that people who start off feeling called to ministry, leave with less spirituality than when they came. i have heard of it happening and i am starting to see the beginnings of the fight to hold onto a living and real God. i have been fighting my own fight against cynicism and restlessness. however, on thursday when we paused from our intellectual and academic pursuits i was reminded by the real and life giving God that indeed is not worried about the knowledge I gain if i don't have the right heart to handle it. the holy spirit offered a little heart check up and asked me, "With the knowledge i have gained and the desire to use what i have learned, has my heart become more open or closed? more soft or more hard? more humble or more prideful? more bold or more afraid? more willing or more hesitant? more loving or less loving? have i become more important or less important? have i gained the world only to lose my soul?" the goal of seminary is not more knowledge, the goal of seminary is more wonder, more fullness and more intimacy.

the search for God

its the confusion you feel when you are searching for something that you can't even believe you just lost. you had it just a second ago. where did it go? you look around not completely convinced it was possible for you to really lose it. you just had it right here. it can't be that lost. it must be here.

its the surprise you feel when you find something that you totally forgot you lost until you suddenly find it out of the blue. when you were looking for it you couldn't find it, but when you are looking for something else, here it is!

its the anxiety you feel when you have just lost something really important. the thought of it never being found creates panic and fear. its the only thing you can think of and worry about. all your efforts go towards finding it. you can't go on until it is found.

its the gratitude you feel after you have exhausted yourself and looked everywhere possible. when the moment you prepare yourself to believe it can't be found, someone else comes along and asks "Is this what you are looking for?"

eternal sunshine

It might just be me, but i feel like its going to be sunny here from now until maybe October? It feels like what i used to call summer back home. I'm not complaining though its great, but it makes homework and class so much more difficult. today i realized that you may not really know what you believe until you really disagree with someone. I realized i have strong feelings about the way i think a certain thing should be, but i didn't realize i cared that much until talking with someone who saw it totally differently. Before i could do anything about it I desired to argue and tell this person they were wrong and i was right. I was frustrated and it took all my strength not to be argumentative. Humility and listening flew out the window and in my heart my opinion became center stage. I'm just a little surprised i felt strongly about this issue in particular.It was nothing really important or life changing. I don't know if I'm right, that's not really the issue. I'm always learning and I attempt to hold truth with open hands, but truth does exist, right? Even if the truth is, it doesn't really matter? i'm getting too philosophical for my own good, back to homework.

stories

we all have them. we love to hear them and share them. they make us laugh, cry and remember. As christians we get used to telling just one story. We call it our testimony, conversion story or life story. But I wonder if our life is really just one story, one journey, or one conversion. Life is certainly not just one failure, or one success or one lesson. Why do we get so used to telling the same story? The world would benefit much more from honest christians. Who like everyone else have failed, have regrets, insecurities and dreams. I think we need to learn to tell our stories, not just the big conversion, but all the little conversions that occur over and over because our need for grace never ceases. How will people know the daily, present, active God unless we share the little victories and the little losses that life is made up of?

I have been reflecting on the Easter story that has become so familiar to me. I have tried searching for it within my own stories of rejection, sacrifice, hope and redemption. As i reflect back on my faith journey and the times i have cursed God, questioned God, shook my fist at God and resented God, I realize He remains alive, loving and accepting. During this season of lent I wonder if all the "little" easter stories would breath life into the all familiar Easter Story. All victories big and small are meaningful. I pray the easter story would invade our lives; not just our soul, but our mind, our heart, our family, our friends, our work, our successes and our failures.