Sunday, April 24, 2016

Goodbye is Goodbye

For now, goodbye is goodbye
To the way we see the world together
The embraces we share and the laughter
We create.

There are no words I can use to describe the ache.

It is my voice that has gone mute and
My words are foreigners in a strange land
Lost, confused, but trying to make sense

Of what it is to know, it is I who left.

There is no way to do it right, that
Makes it hurt less. I must cling to knowing
What I have learned and believe is the truth

Letting go, frees me and it frees you

Loved one,
I’ll see you in my dreams, my memories
And in the pieces of you that have become part of me
Together, but separate we will walk ahead

And when those paths cross, I’ll hold you again.



Monday, February 29, 2016

Do you see me?

When beauty from ashes becomes literal
When the tragedy and glory of the cross
finds its home on the streets
When loving leads to speechless joy
and unbearable pain
I find myself treading in the waters
of meaning. Am I safe or am I drowning?

When I stand faceless in the crowd,
casting stones at “the other”,  to hide my own pain
and fear and insecurities
When I tire from the façade, but weep
at the thought of being seen
Do you God, turn your face away?

When I ache with helplessness
Running the marathon of justice
When my hope is left for dead
in the pit of disappointment

will those bones rise?

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

the weight

The weight I carry makes me feel stronger
The more I hold, the more I do, the more I am
The work, the burdens are proof of strength

The weight I carry wears me down
The more I hold, the more I do, the less I am
The work, the burdens are I seek to control

I pick up what is not mine to carry,
I hold more then I need to 
I mistakenly think work equals worth

The weight I lay down at the cross is Yours
The more I let go, the less I control, the more You are
The work, the burdens, are proof I need You.


Thursday, November 12, 2015

What I'd rather be doing

I went through all the options in my mind. I could be a nanny, a doctor, chiropractor, paramedic, cop, nurse, social worker, counselor, teacher, pastor, writer or a student (again). I could literally do anything I wanted and if I couldn't, I just imagined I could.  I tried to let my mind wander and see where my dreams would take me.  My youth pastor's famous line that I couldn't forget was "you have to be who you are supposed to be, before you can do what you're supposed to do." Well I have felt like the last 8 years have been spent "being"; being broken, being lost, being restored, being healed, being made whole. Only now at 32 years old am I able to figure out what I get to "do" with my life. I felt like I had the freedom to pick anything, but I didn't. 

I can't imagine doing anything else. That's what I picked.

A missionary. 

I tried not to. I tried to choose something else more traditional, but in the end there is nothing I'd rather do then move to another country, learn another language and culture and serve God among the poor, marginalized and unnoticed of our world. Bear witness to the Kingdom of God among us, love those who believe they are unlovable, give value to those who feel unworthy, and share hope with those who have lost it. It is my heartbeat, the blood in my veins, moving every single part of me towards being more fully who God has made me. Making disciples, that make disciples. 

I can give 100% of my being to God when I know who I am and with this new step, the process of "being" just starts over. Can't wait to meet you, Guatemala.  

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Waiting for spring


I grew up with seasons. Summer meant warm days and daylight until around 10pm.  Fall meant the leaves changed to bright orange, yellow, and brown. In the winter the leaves fell and the trees were naked even though the rain was plentiful. Spring greeted us with the sun, the blooming flowers of bright pink, red, yellow and allergies. Winter and fall were the hardest because combined they lasted half the year which means cold, rainy, dark and naked for at least 6 months. If you were to join us during these seasons it would seem like it could go on forever. This is where the NW gets its reputation. We are defined by these two seasons, but many people forget that summer is gorgeous and spring is beautiful when the flowers burst forth with colors. How much more do we appreciate the fact that spring and summer follow fall and winter!

A dead tree and a dormant tree look the same on the outside. There are no leaves, the branches are naked, but if its dormant then you know when spring comes it will burst to life again. If all you have ever experienced is winter then the hope of spring is a myth. We do this with our lives sometimes mistaking the season of God we are in. We can easily mistake a dormant season for a dead one. If the tree is dead there is nothing going on in the inside no nutrients, no water, no life, no regeneration. However, in a dormant season the tree is still being nourished, fed, regenerated and preparing to come back to life, but you wouldn’t know it from just looking at it.

God’s silence is not His absence.

There are times we don’t see the work God is doing or even feel it. We question the lack of fruit and the lack of purpose, but what we don’t see can hurt us. We abandon the dream, the desire, or the calling thinking its dead, not having felt anything from it in a long time. We mistake a dormant season for a dead one, believing what was once colorful and awe inspiring no longer exists. We mourn in confusion and blame and then we walk away in disillusionment.

Then in our distress someone comes along, someone who has seen dormant trees before.  Someone who is familiar with the seasons and recognizes what we thought was dead is actually being regenerated, nourished, and refreshed. The creator is anticipating the moment it will spring forth again with vibrancy and beauty. This is how the tree was created; created to survive the seasons. We are reminded that spring is coming, that it always follows winter. Someone changes the way we view our lives, someone gives us a new perspective and with it comes new hope and new expectation. Someone comes alongside and says, “wait”, “let’s see”, “hold on.”

I believe the spring is coming. I’m waiting.  I’m holding on. I want to see. I can’t wait to hear “Behold, I’m doing and new thing. Now it shall spring up.”

God’s silence is not His absence. 

It happens every time.

Every time I'm sitting around with free time and think about needing a new hobby I always forget I have one that I enjoy; writing. I go through seasons of writing and of posting blogs. Sometimes I have written lots, but posted little. Other times I have nothing to say to myself or others. Today I'm feeling inspired.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Safari!

It was a 2 hour drive and we left at 6am. We saw everything we wanted
but lions and baboons. 



The giraffes were the most helpful and the most photogenic.  




Elephants were probably my favorite and I got pics of babies too! So cute.
This guy was almost too close for comfort. Right outside
our car. I just rolled down the window to take this pic.





First animal we saw!



Pumba!
Can you see the ostrich to the left of the tree?
It was so far away! 
Hippos!! We counted 8. 


Friday, July 19, 2013

Our retreat and more kiddos

Last weekend we spent fri-sun at a retreat center about an 1hr and 30 mins away. Part of it was silent at different periods throughout day unless we were meeting for our sessions. It was a nice relaxing place, but some of the sessions made my brain hurt. We had a chance to look back at our lives, life lessons, gifts and ask the question, " Who has God created me to be?" Obviously we weren't expected to answer this fully over a weekend, but we were challenged to explore the hand prints of God in our lives and see how they might connect to each other. 



Here are some more pictures from kids club today. Today we played charades with the kids and Petunia and I gave the them their word/action. I told this girl to act out "taking a bath." She got up in front of her team and began making a large circle with her arms and then bending down like she was picking something up. This went on for about 30 secs and then i began to think she must not have understood me so I had Petunia check with her. Turns out she heard me right but it was interpreted wrong. In Zulu "take" translated literally means to "pick up" so this poor darling understood what I said to mean "pick up the bath." I couldn't stop laughing!  She was so serious but she must have thought I was out of my mind asking her to act out "picking up a bath." Oh language learning.


left over batter! today it was green.
Whenever Petunia divides the kids into groups or
teams she has them start by lining up by height.