i'm doing it.

ok, ok, WE are doing it. all the people that have loved me through the tears and failures of the hardest year of my life, are making it possible for me to enjoy some of the BEST moments of my life, when i meet my bio family in korea. i'm leaving dec 28th!! aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. aaaaaahhhhhhhh!! sorry, been kinda holding it in. :) crazy, crazy, crazy, year that is going to end in korea with my bio family. who would've believed it, not me.

its about all the people who believed in me, when i didn't. this year has been heartache for so many people. i have required tons of patience, butt-kickings, ultimatums, and tough love. I have found more grace, mercy, and love than i could ever imagine. The Lord and His people, my friends and family have made all the difference in the world. After everything, its still hard for me to believe i get to do this. ahem, that we get to do this.

Only the Lord Jesus, can make a way when there is no way. Only he can cover heaviness with garments of praise. Only he can create a new song. Only he can handle the mess I made and only he can make it new. the feeling of joy has been astray for a long time. you know, the kind of joy that makes you giggle, smile for no reason, talk really fast and high pitched, even jump a little in the air, yeah that, that is a gift from God. yes Lord, i'll receive it. i mean, we will receive it.

widows and orphans

before i saw your eyes
i answered
before you even asked
i decided
in my heart not to give
you a chance
listening ear
or helping hand

no love to share
time to offer
comfort to sacrifice
i pray
i didn't
look like the one
i follow

i cursed you with the tongue
i reserve for blessing
you found the pharisee
in me, the logging truck
in my eye

forgive me sister,
my heart grieves for the
lost chance
with deep shame, i beg for mercy
that you and your daughter
were entertained by angels

God deal with me
justly.
honestly.
keep my mouth from speaking

before my heart decides
by your grace to always
give
value
to who you value

family is...

the ones who know exactly what makes you laugh
the ones who know exactly what makes you mad
the ones who have been there through all life stages,
especially the akward middle school yrs and terrible haircuts
the ones who will return your presents with no shame
the ones who you fight with because you love so much
the ones who always repeat your embarassing childhood stories when guests are around
the ones who tell you its ok to dream of being the first woman in the NBA and NFL
the ones who laugh at you even when you are trying to be serious
the ones who make sure you don't go hungry and the oil in your car has been changed
the ones who you want around when you are sick
the ones you miss during the holidays
the ones you go home to
the ones who love you no matter what
the ones you are proud to call family.

hi family!

today i am celebrating me. well not really, me, but i'm celebrating having a family. today 26 years ago my parents became parents. I arrived fresh off the plane from korea into the loving arms of my mom and dad. being adopted kinda means you have two birthdays. today i will celebrate being a "saathoff". people look at me down here and think my last name should be kim, lee, kwon, anything asian, but its not, saathoff's are from texas. this is a special day for me and my family. so a shout out to my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, my favorite baby sis, my wonderful mom and dad. no nieces or nephews yet, boo, you better get on that. here's to pac 10 football, the portland trailblazers, fishing at buoy 10, egg nog cake, chocolate zucchini bread, "chicken tuna" sandwiches, my mom's amazing hospitality, my dad's generosity, my sister's laugh. cheers to my family who makes me, me.

deep breath

"In order to be at peace, it is necessary to feel a sense of history - that you are both part of what has come before and part of what is yet to come. Being surrounded, you not alone; and the sense of urgency that pervades the present is put in perspective: Do not frivolously use time that is yours to spend. Cherish it, that each day may bring forth new growth, insight and awareness. Never allow a day to pass that did not add to what was understood before. Let each day be a stone in the path of growth. Do not rest until what been intended has been done. But remember - go as slowly as is necessary in order to sustain a steady pace; do not expand energy in waste. Finally do not allow the illusory urgencies of the immediate to distract you from your vision of the eternal." In Spiritual Crisis: surviving trauma to the soul.

casuality in the country

this greeted me at the front door.
first, i screamed, then i couldn't stop laughing. poor guy!

people in socal

...don't carve pumpkins for halloween. how do i know? well, a friend and I both come from a place where you do carve pumpkins so we thought we would bring some of the halloween cheer down south. what happens to carved pumpkins in southern california, the heat melts them and mushifies them in two days. i already had to put jack the softie in the dumpster.

...go through the dirtiest windstorms. we have windstorms, but not windstorms that turn the horizon and air brown. my roommate and i tried to walk to the store, but we were attacked by the first tree we came to. we turned around with dirt in our eyes, leaves in our hair and headed for the car.

paralyzed

When I couldn’t move
Your prayers
Kept me
In His reach

When I couldn’t speak
Your words
Fell on
His ears

When I couldn’t reach
Your hands
Grabbed onto
To His.

When I couldn’t believe
Your steps
Walked me
Towards Him.

When we couldn’t
Your love
Left me
at His feet

It is your prayers
That lowered me
Before a
God that heals.

thought of the day

you can have community, but not use it. and until you use it, it isn't really community. but once you use it, then you have people. and having people is a big deal. everyone shoud have people.

so fresh and clean, clean

i spent the last few hours deep cleaning my apartment. i get so messy when i live alone. i started in the bathroom and covered the kitchen, living room and bedroom. I reorganized some of my things to make sure the new roomie has plenty of room. She is going to think I'm so anal cuz all my stuff is on one side of the room. I swear its ok if it isn't symmetrical. I got to go to the beach today for work. The weather was perfect; warm but breezy. My face even got a little sunburned. Tomorrow my new roomie comes so i'm excited about that. It will be nice to have some company, but of course its the last week of summer class and i have a paper and final exam due. This class feels like it has drug on all summer so it will be nice to get it done, but i'll probably have to be the bum roommate who is studying. After that though, a friend from home is coming to visit for a few days. I really want to check out this beach spot my coworker told me about. Its a bit elusive to the newcomer, but I hear its worth the adventure.

Have i told you about my neighbors? They are from northeast India and they are the sweetest. They just moved in this summer. It is a couple and their son who is in high school. They remind me of india. They always invite me to stay and eat or have tea. Instead of saying "here" or "there", they say "this side" or "that side". When they mean homey, like comfortable, they say "homely" and if they go out to eat they say they "ate outside." But besides the fun english we are becoming fast friends. They cook for me and make me wonderful tea. I drive them to costco or the store and drop them off for appointments. Like, next week I'm taking their son to the doctors and then to school. how cute. but really these people are amazing. they love jesus. they are invited to speak like everywhere. they have a heart for the church and for the poor and for india. and when they pray, watch out. really, i think they are great. its been a blessing to have them so close since living on my own this last month.

if you pray, could you pray for some good reflection/process time before classes start up again. I feel like God wants to say something, but i'm still in the other room shouting, "coming, coming." i need to make time and be open. this summer has been a ride. i don't know if its a new season, but its a new school year and my last one i think. so if you don't mind joining my prayer through this year...

Lord, you not me.
yours, not mine.

we are better, together

we are raising money for my friend. She is going to India in just over a week to work with a development agency who is working with the poor in both urban and rural settings. She will be there for 3 months. God has opened some amazing doors so far, so we are relying on his faithfulness. My friend's passport was lost by the Indian visa people and just found today so we are praying that she can still receive her visa to India in time.

If you ever had to raise money for a missions trip, you are aware of the frustrations and the blessings that come with it. I want my friend to know that she is not alone. For anyone to do missions or ask people to support their work, is an invitation to join what God is doing around the world. God can use your money for his glory.

I know I have amazing and generous friends. I have been supported in so many ways by all of you. So yes, i'm asking if you would possibly help someone who you might not even know, but i'm asking because she is family to me. And she is willing and able to serve the poor in India. And i believe in the work God is doing in her life. pray first. don't give without prayer and don't decide without praying. then, keep praying...

scheduled departure date: September 16th

funds needed: $3000

want to help?

i'm not a fool

i'm not a fool.
i've made mistakes.
but I’m not one

been down the dark road
hid there, laid there, died there
the past is my conscience
you shouldn’t, you can’t

there is enough to
prove truth beats fact
to get off the one way track

i’m not a fool
I’ve made mistakes
but I’m not one.

hindsight might be clear
this vision is distorted
we see different
who counts loses

who keeps faith
uses regret as a crystal ball
who trusts who

lacking my own
will your words
stand in, say

i’m not a fool
i’ve made mistakes
but I’m not one.

toooo hoooooot

105 degress is toooo hot
wildfires are toooo hot.
apt without ac is toooo hot.
tooooo hot to study, so i played wii for 2 1/2 hours.
tooo hot to cook, so i ate sushi with a friend.
toooo hot means dry skin, dry eyes, bloody noses.
i did go bowling today at work. good toooo hot activity.
its toooo hot to sleep in my bedroom.
but not toooo hot for ice cream.

the ironic thing is

i posted this picture, but then i started wondering if it was an accurate representation of where I would be "off finding myself." don't get me wrong I will always be a mountain/lake girl, but the place i would actively search and expect to "find myself" would not be at an isolated lake at the end of a mountain hike. I feel like i would have better luck on a street corner or in a slum somewhere around the world. i have been refreshed by nature so many times. the cool fresh air, the sweaty physical challenge, the beautiful scenery, but where was I when i momentarily felt like i "found" a part of me? well, no where close to clean air. it was inside a slum sitting on dirt, sweating my face off, listening intently to another language, playing, watching, hugging, holding the cutest kids ever. i was thinking to myself if i didn't ever leave this exact moment, or if i never experienced anything after this moment, i had found my deepest joy. i had connected with the deepest meaning of life.

there was also this time in kolkata when i just returned from a week in bangalore. we had gotten back the day before and had a day off before our week started up again. i chose to hop on the bus and go visit my dearest friends in the slum. they were so surprised to see me because i visited at a different time than usual, but they were so overjoyed i came to say hello. it was the heat of the day so they insisted that i sat with them outside their home. the small path in front of their home was too dirty for even them to rest on, so they made sure i was comfortable on this large sack of garbage that sat about 3 feet tall. a few minutes into our conversation my friend brought something a little more firm to sit on so we sat together this small piece that kept us just off the ground. it teetered with our weight as we shared the last week's events. suddenly they suggested something cold to drink, so i offered to buy ice cream instead. my friend stood up to go buy the ice cream but as she did the weight on our stool became uneven and i tumbled to the ground. this surprised all of us and we all started laughing because i had tipped over so dramatically. they tried to help me back on, but realized that without my friend the weight would not be even. together we decided it would just be better if i stood until my friend returned with the ice cream. when she returned, we passed around the ice cream and sat together back on the stool. now, of course, i'm mischievous so playful revenge was coming. i waited just until my friend was about to lick her ice cream and i stood up quickly causing her to fall right off her end of stool. she saw right through my laughter and crooked smile as i attempted to tease her in my broken bengali, " why can't you sit?" "are you ok?" "what happened?" from then on as we ate our ice cream, the looks went back and forth when we would jokingly try to stand up and then innocently ask one another if there was a problem. coming back from vacation, i missed the city. at this point in my trip it was growing on me, i wanted to be there. what did i find? i found a piece of me. on my day off when i got to drop by on some friends i hadn't seen in awhile, i found life. i laughed at my friends, laughed with them, missed them and felt that moments like this is why we live. why we have each other. they are moments i wouldn't exchange for all the luxuries or materials in the world. they are moments money can't buy.

so don't let this picture fool you. we have to come down from the mountain eventually. we have to search for ourselves in the messy, confusing and dirty world around us but don't give up. you can find life. you can find joy. you can find you.

time to blog

its been so long and i have had the opposite of writers block. what would that be called? so here is a ADHD version of recent happenings/potential blog titles...

I went camping, boating and waterskiing.
I saw my besties from college. we live in the same state now.
First week back to work i got to go to the beach and a water park.
Second week, i got a clipboard swung at my head. good to be back.
Goodwill rocks! new microwave, george foreman grill, a painting.
Microwave doesn't actually work. boo.
Roomie #1 moves out.
Party for Roomie #2.
Roomie #2 leaves.
you're my person
praying made me cry. i'm so emotional. feelings are everywhere.
security guard hits on me.
appointments are so cultural.
potluck!
giant map of canada on my wall.
charcoal bbqing
home improvement project was a success.
praying for home appliances. new microwave check. table??
greys: yang's my favorite.
praying for roomie #6 in two years
k sis #3 has a bun in the oven.
saw pictures of my k fam on the vacation i was supposed to be on with them.
got a few more tricks up my sleeve
experienced the power of faith in Jesus
committed to take a personal retreat before school starts
started going to life group again. its so life giving.
ate 7 courses of beef
rearranged furniture
trying to find words
waiting for my heart to catch up with my head
goodbye

what i needed to remember...

where my heart was two years ago and where it longs to be again...

When we see beauty we are “de self-centered.” By experiencing something transcendent, we willingly step aside and stand in awe of something else for a moment – our attention is momentarily diverted from our own drives, our passion, our self-interested pursuits. When we behold something beautiful, we are glad to step aside, to be quiet, to give the beautiful subject our voluntary allegiance…Moments of experiencing beauty evoke this kind of willing “step aside” response. (Joel Klepac, serves in Romania with WMF)


This is it! If only i could have said it like that. That statement is exactly why Kolkata stole my heart. Its why I didn’t miss the ”american/luxerious” life. No thing/food/experience here at home could compare to the beauty i experienced in India. (However the refills of lemonade at the american restaurant in Chennai would have been put in the “beautiful” category at the time). The beauty of the people there captured me and whisked me away. I know its crazy to say the most ugly, horrible, unjust place I have ever been was the most beautiful place I have ever experienced. I guess amidst the darkness the light was that much brighter and amidst the ugliness the beauty was more breathtaking. The beauty of a smile, laughter, a child, a kind word, a loving embrace, and the beautiful value of our fellow human beings drew me into the oddest experiences; places with rats, sitting on piles of garbage, being the center of attention, mocked and pointed at, getting lice, sitting on the street, sitting in the brothels, eating rice until i was going to vomit, sitting with the dying, hanging out in the slums, dancing like a fool and eating food so spicy it made me cry. But all of that faded away into the shadows of the radiance coming from the image of Christ I saw and experienced through the lives there. What i thought was important wasn’t really that important and what i thought really mattered, didn’t really matter. For a good part of the trip i was afraid to fully love and be loved back. I was afraid of the risk of love; of being disappointed, hurt, taken advantage of, or feeling dumb, but then when i finally had the eyes to see, I saw the beauty I would willing “step aside” for.

Now imagine our Beautiful God…

wow, summer is here!

welcome home to 97 degrees, shorts, tank tops, beach days, swimming in the ocean, free concerts in the park, free time. glorious. my first summer vacation has come and gone. home was amazing. the longer i'm in LA the more I realize that I love the Northwest. Such a different pace of life, much cleaner air, parking lots, mountains, trees, real hiking and space. It was party central at our house for my sisters graduation and my mom's 60th birthday. I caught up with who i could, but there is never enough time to see everyone. and of course it wouldn't truly be going home unless it rained, just about every day. it makes us that much more thankful when it does clear and the sun comes out. it was canuck summer fun: the sequel because my canadian friend came home with me and isn't everything more fun with a canuck around? she is also the friend that is going to korea with me so we decided that it will be a trilogy. anyways,i'm not going to complain too much about LA. it has its perks. friends, beach, tacos all in one day. hard to beat that.

summer, I'm coming!

just thought you should know i finally had a chicken salad sandwich and it was glorious. it was the "tuna" i remembered. five days til the end of the quarter and the beginning of summer, ten days until i go home for a week. summer will bring closing, opening, change, transition, change again. but it also means i don't have to go to class until aug which gives me real days off. lots of time to play, to go on adventures, to try something new, to remember the classics (aka taco tuesday). time to live in the moment, live thankful for the present, and live hopeful for the future.

"you were called to peace. and be thankful" Colossians 3:15

i am mad at...

you are a lie
you are joke
you are a waste

let it go
move on
walk away
fall apart

get screwed
throw it back
make it right
start a fight

you aren't worth it
cut it off
give up
you are cursed

you read it
too late
i'll be gone
for good

bury it
leave a stone
go alone

speak it

john 12:23-28
colossian 3:12-17
ephesians 3:16-19

at the start
he was there
in the end
he will be there
after all our hands have wrought
he forgives

oh the glory of it all is
that he came
for the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all

all is lost
find him there
after night
dawn is there

after all falls apart
he repairs

oh he is here
for the redemption of the fall
that we may live
for the glory of it all

after night
comes the light
dawn is here
its a new day
everything will change
things will never be the same

oh the glory of it all is
that he came
for the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all