It all started when

I finished my last paper of the summer quarter. We celebrated with cookies and a movie. Then on Friday after we turned our papers in we found the perfect kitchen rug on clearance at Target. This was a sure sign it was going to be a great shopping weekend because next I discovered coupons for American Eagle, PacSun, and Old Navy was having a huge sale. I moved into my new apt Sat after work. Its so nice to be settling in. We unpacked, organized, and celebrated life with Papa John's pizza. Sunday we hit the mall and it was the most shopping I've done in probably two years, but everything i bought was on sale and I probably won't go again for another two years. hehe. not really. Today was Joshua Tree National Park. It was so beautiful and like a giant playground. We got some pretty cool pictures. What else could this week off possibly contain? Well, its only Monday.

common names

to all y'all that have common names i'm sure this will not be as exciting for you, but to y'all who don't have common names or common spellings of your names maybe you will share in my child like giddiness. my name is never on any of those pre-made key chains, license plates or tacky tourist propaganda, but today I saw my name in the most unexpected place; at the gym. i was in the locker room at 24 when i saw an advertisement that read "Karli got back to her high school weight." Now lets not get to carried away with that statement, but karli with a "k" and an "i", how unlikely. Its funny to see your name when its not you. I'm sure you common name folks are used to this phenomenon, but i definitely did a double take.

i'm back

I'm back from possibly the best 10 days of the last 365. It started with a sweet time with my family including my ever so amazing sis and grandparents. I even got to see a group of friends from Fox which was an added bonus. Then it was quickly off to canada land for a road trip through the rockies. There were mountains, lakes, hikes, tents, campfires, waterfalls. It was a combination of my most favorite things. It was a little colder than my most favorite temperature, but what to do , I was in the mountains. After the rockies I headed out to my friends farm. Everything is so flat there so its like 360 degrees of amazing sky and wide open spaces. I never realized how much non-city folk like to have campfires. I guess in the city we don't have yards or lawns to have smores or roast hot dogs whenever we want. Being out in the country for a few days made me miss it. It took me back to my roots. Country music, tractors, fields, trucks, and hicks were a little nostalgic for me. Even when i was home there was a consistent flow of maybe 10 cars at this one intersection we were going through and my dad said "There most be something going on around here, probably at the fairgrounds." Sure enough there was something. Those 10 cars, were 10 cars too many for that country road. It made me laugh. I was not in LA anymore.

One thing I never do cuz i'm a wimp is ride roller coasters. Well we went to the edmonton mall which is the mall of all malls, complete with water park, amusement park, sea lions, hotels and everything else in it. My friend and I decided we had to go on the roller coaster which included 3 upside loops. yikes! After we pumped ourselves up we got in line and it appeared we were the only 2 on it so we took the very first seats. another yikes! Long story short, i survived my first upside rollercoaster. It was so intense.

I posted some pics of my trip on facebook or you can use these links:

http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2018649&l=3a0bd&id=98300284

http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2018650&l=481d9&id=98300284

Now I'm back in LA, back to work, back to school, back to city lights and city smog, but i do have some country music on my ipod when i need a breath of that fresh country air.

these days

healing is
more than
the absence
of pain

love
doesn't always
feel
like it

hearing no
can be healing
and it
can be love

there's no telling where i have been

I like to call it the "summer funk." its that time during the year that is not like all the rest; schedules change, routines are different, people come and go. everything kinda gets rolled into one big ball and doesn't really get sorted out until fall comes, until summer is over and until its a new year (school year that is). i feel like i'm just waiting for the end of sept because i know by then at least some things will be sorted out.

work: new boss, new kids, new schedule
school: 1 class down, 1 to go
church: my 3 options: leave, stay and keep wrestling, stay and give up
home: moving wed, moving again next month
life: friends and family, new and old
future: life together, downward mobility
ministry: right opportunities, wrong timing
spiritually: the one being pursued

from InnerVOICE

these words were in the midst of a collage on a page in InnerVOICE which is a publicatioin of InnerCHANGE. InnerCHANGE is a Christian order among the poor. its kinda like word made flesh...

What if all of life were a free buffet?

It kind of makes you wonder if we'd enjoy ANY of it.

Enjoy what God gives.

Don't stuff yourself.

i'm not from california

i have been watching "I survived a Japanese game show" and while i'm generally anti-reality tv, this show cracks me up. i actually have only caught the last 15 mins the two times i watched, but i love it cuz it reminds me how crazy and fun japanese people are. One year in college i was really involed with a group of japanese exchange students because i lived in the international house on campus. It was awesome. I became really close friends with some of them and they knew how to have a good time. i miss having japanese friends. they were so much fun.

there is this one boy at work that i'm starting to love. yesterday we celebrated his birthday and he was so genuinely excited and appreciative it was sweet. i got off work at 3:30 but i told him i would come back for dinner and eat a piece of cake. when i walked in the door he was jumping up and down saying, "you came back! you kept your promise! you came back just for me!!" it was precious. in sept i will have been there a year and i have finally been able to really bond with some of the kids. its been a really good summer at work.

soon i will have to change my car license plates to california. i'm so sad because i don't want to be a californian. i sometimes ride the bus to/from work, but i have to walk about 20mis once i get off for work. one of my coworkers heard i had walked that day and she was like, " californians don't walk!" i said that is why i'm not from california. i think i'm going to keep my washington plates. gotta stay true to the roots.

my perfect summer day: a lake, a boat, a wakeboard, some friends

long days

After a fun yet productive start to the week, it ended with nonstop activities the past couple of days. First of all, Esther and I redeemed Taco Tuesday, thank goodness for that. I also made decisions about classes and housing, finally. I met with a friend i used to work with at an amazing sushi place. It was a little bit of a drive, but well worth it. I ate the best sushi that I can remember. I had been craving it for so long and i was not disappointed. We also made these elaborate plans to expand my LA knowledge and experience because she grew up here and i'm still intimidated by the city.

I had to work on the 4th of July, but we still made strawberry/raspberry/blueberry shortcake and we were able to see some of the fireworks they shot off from the rose bowl. My least favorite part of the night was when they asked me as i was leaving to go pick up some people from the rose bowl who had gone for the fireworks. Long story short, traffic. I got off work 2 hours late on friday and had to be back early Sat for yet another full day. On Sat, we took the kids to Redondo Beach for the afternoon. While i was driving the kids all i could keep thinking about was how i now understand how my parents felt when i wanted to listen to my music in the car. The kids wanted it so loud and they only wanted to listen to the same 3 songs. There are so many "parental moments" that happen when i'm at work.

We got back from the beach right when my shift ended and i had to go directly to my friends wedding reception. I had missed the ceremony because i had to work, but i offered to help set up for the reception so i rushed to help set up for close to 500 guests. This wedding reception was incredible. First of all it was chinese which meant it was a cultural experience as well. They rented out this huge seafood restaurant that was beautiful. There were probably 12 or more chandeliers and everything was decorated perfectly. It was a sit down 8 course meal plus cake; imagine 4 plus hours of just eating :). We had crab, lobster, beef, duck, chicken, shrimp, scallops, fish, shark fin soup and rice. While we were eating there were the traditional aspects of a wedding reception plus multiple choreographed dances by bride and groom and bridal party, as well games/skits. The bride changed her outfit 4 times throughout the evening each time with another introduction by the emcee. Her family is chinese and his family is cambodia so everything was translated twice. There is probably more i could say, but it was quite the experience. A fun one for sure and i always love seeing the bride and groom so happy.

Today was church and work and i'm so glad that tomorrow is my day off. I have jury duty this week so its kinda like a game. I have to call in every night to see if i have to go to the courthouse the next day. I don't have to report tomorrow which is quite a relief. i'm sure i will have to go eventually. it will be interesting. I kind of hope i don't get selected for a trial. It seems like so much pressure. Anyways, another week of summer gone and another one awaits.

church was fun!

I went to a new church on Sunday. It is a primarily african american church, pretty much a guarantee it will be fun. We met the pastor last week during my class so i decided to check it out. There were many things i liked about it. We worshiped to kirk franklin one song and then third day the next. That doesn't always happen during every worship set. The pastor and his wife are co-pastors so they both spoke by taking turns. Instead of the worship "band" being centered on the the stage, the mic singers (just some talented folks from the congregation) were up front and those on the instruments were sitting down towards the back of the stage. Lets see, anything else i can analyze... haha. I can you tell you the presence of God during worship left me still, speechless and teary eyed. I was wondering if preachers in black churches ever have to give sermons on whole hearted, free and passionate worship. I'm guessing not. The pastors were funny, passionate and not afraid to speak the truth. You could tell they were engaging the church. They were bringing it home. It was great. I'm going to try and not think about all this too much. I know I liked it. This sunday they are having their service in the park followed by a potluck. It sounds fun so i think i'm going to go. Oh and i saw someone who works at Hillsides there. I said hi and we talked a little bit. I at least know one person.

Lead Me

I want to be led, but not away…

Away from
what I think
what I’m waiting for
promises

Away from
what I know,
what I’m preparing for
expectations

Away from
what I see
what I’m looking for
answers

I want to be led, but not away…
I’m not ready to go.

The place you go to forget your past

In my Urban mission class this week, i learned that LA is the place you go to forget your past. This class was just one week and we spent most of our time out in the city visiting ministries, churches and organizations that deal with the issues of urban LA. There was so much squeezed into one week, but i'll try and give you a little recap. In a lot of ways i feel like it was a missions trip to city.

Monday : we learned a bit about the history of LA and the civil unrest following the rodney king incident. our TA has lived in LA all her life and was living in south central when the unrest broke out. it was interesting to hear about it from her perspective and experience. We then learned about Pasadena and urban issues in our own backyard.

Tuesday: we went to the financial district of LA and learned how to exegete a city. this just means observing everything from architecture to trash to people etc. we walked from the financial district all the way down to skid row. the contrast is beyond description and the division between the two worlds is so obvious. we visited the site of the Azuza Street Revival. If you don't know what this is you need to find out because it is amazing. We ended the day learning about the injustice of the juvenile court system. It was angering and heart breaking but the work that is being done was moving and inspiring.

Wednesday: we were in south central LA. we visited a youth center that was started by woman whose son was killed in a drive by. she is the aunt of our TA. her story and faith is amazing. this was the day that gangs and violence had a face and story. we visited a church who primarily ministers to drug addicts off the street. radical and awesome is all i have to say about that. we also visited an influential community developemt organization in the african american community. it is run by a strong, intelligent, motivating woman.

Thursday: we went to the neighborhood where my prof works and lives with a christian order among the poor. we visited in interfaith justice organization. the woman giving the presentation was young and a rabbi. so cool. we met some women who have been transformed through relationship with my professor and her team there. they are people my prof has known for 20 years. she met them when they were just 10 and 11 years old. their testimonies are amazing.

Friday: we heard from the director of another large and influential african american community development organization. we debriefed about faith, justice, policy, stories, transformation, the new heaven and new earth, and hope. we learned about so many issues, causes, and campaigns. i'm wrestling with the pharisee in me, my theology of the other (my enemy), the centrality of the cross, the compassion of God and my own calling to the God of justice.

in my time with God this week through my frustration, anger, grief and desire to act, the Holy spirit led me to a scripture that speaks to all the injustices i could name. it is the most powerful thing i learned all week.

"This kind can come out only by prayer and fasting" Mark 9:29

my week off

i finished my quarter last week and this week i have enjoyed not having any school work to worry about. i have had time to watch movies, take the bus, and work out. i found a great park and went to the beach. its been nearly 100 degrees this week so i'm thankful for the luxury of AC. its been fun taking the bus/metro and discovering it can take me most places i want to go. i also led small group on wednesday. i forgot how fun it is to pray, prepare, study the word, share, listen to others. i have had some really great time with God this week. I'm glad that he is patient with me and doesn't mind repeating himself. there isn't an area in my life that he has left untouched. last sunday was 1 year since i returned home from India. As i looked back and looked at my life now, my heart was full of questions and disappointments. However, there in the midst of it all I found Him, or rather He found me. i might write more on this later, but a year of burden to "do something" was finally broken and replaced with the grace to receive. To top it all off I'm reading the Ragamuffin Gospel, hopefully the first of at least a couple "fun reads" this summer.

Monday i start again with classes. I'm taking intro to urban mission and i'm really excited about it because the first day is in the classroom and the next 4 days are in the city. It is a 1 week intensive so its Mon-Fri 8-5. I won't be working next week which will be a nice break, but school will keep me plenty busy. I'm afraid it will be so good and yet go by so fast cuz its over in 5 days. I'm really praying that God uses this class.

As I have begun to pray about this summer I feel like it will be full; full of lots of new things and lots of changes. I have already caught myself stressed out by the details, the planning and unknowns but i feel like the summer won't be an accident. God's sovereignty tells me this summer has a purpose. So far this year has been unlike any other and part of me doesn't want to pray for anything more and the other part is willing to submit. It has all been along the thought/word/theme "discover" that the Lord revealed to me in Jan. Most recently through the holy spirit he reminded me that indeed, "The old is going.." I feel like all i can do is hold on and lay still in His hands of mercy.

My study break

God what are you going to do when her dad died, her child died, and just this week his grandma had a massive stroke, her mom wants to kill herself, her mom might have cancer, and her grandma died? Not to mention this burden you have given me for him though he committed an act of violence that makes me want to throw up but you still say pray with compassion. Disobedience would be easier if i didn't actually feel compassion and broken over the battle for his soul. I know i must trust your love for those i love, but seriously...I would like to shout at you. I also would like to shout at myself because all I want to do is pray and pray hard, maybe even cry cuz its the only way i can give all this to you and find some relief but i can't because i'm writing a paper.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

my one goal

for the evening was to be productive on my paper but...
1 stomach ache + 4 phone calls + 5 hours on the phone w/ friends = 0 paper writing
productive is not all that it is made out to be.

I can't decide lately

is it good or just good enough?
am i hiding or are you hiding?
its not bad but is it good?
am i not listening or are you not speaking?
should i rejoice in contentment or discontentment?
do i wait by faith or ask by faith?
am i free to choose or bound by choices?
is it a curse or a blessing?
is where i am where i want to be?
do i need to get away or go through?
would i rather have answers or promises?
what am i looking for?
why am i looking?

loss

i can't seem to get away from it these days. another person i care about is grieving today. she had a miscarriage, just a week after celebrating a long and anticipated pregnancy.

no right to pray.
or words to say.
won't tell you i know
how it goes.

why we have it
just to lose it
why we wish it
just to miss it.

tears paint the picture
fists pound the blame

screams come in color

hope melts smaller

rooms of silence
make good company
questions are the enemy
denial offers sanity

attempts fail to hide
pain wants to decide
love has stepped aside
to guilt and doubt

walk away from regret
lie down in space
sit still together
hold onto grace

zero fun sir!

Recently I have been incredibly blessed by friends. Yes its the end of the quarter so most of the time I'm studying, but this last week there certainly wasn't a shortage of fun. Last Saturday I went to a LA Galaxy game. It was an exciting game and it was cool to see David Bekham play. After the game and a cup of coffee it just wasn't time to go to bed so a couple friends and I decided to go slacklining. Slacklining if i haven't told you is this line/rope that you tie between two trees and then try to walk across. It is really hard, but a good challenge. It has been our new hobby lately. We stayed out that night til about 3am slacklining, throwing the frisbee, wrestling, and laying out on the grass under the street lamps. Next morning i didn't have church so the same friends plus many more made and ate sunday brunch together. It was delicious. Then of course memorial day wouldn't be complete without a BBQ so we went over to the boys place and they BBQ'd for us and we played games, were introduced to the Tim Tam Slam and of course the evening wouldn't be complete without a little slacklining. Needless to say, I had a great 3 day weekend and am so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people.

The next two weeks is paper writing extravaganza. I have two final papers but I'm kinda excited to write them so i'm hoping they won't be too bad. I will probably be moving sometime this summer so i have started looking into places. I signed up for my summer classes, got summoned for jury duty and hopefully will book my ticket soon for kanook summer fun 08 complete with mountains, cars, flannel and cows. :)

quick one liner

as i think about those who have much and those who have little, one obvious solution is that the who have much just do a better job of sharing. we make it more difficult than it is, but instead of 2 for me, 1 for you why not 1.5 each? anyways in my humble opinion all of us that can read this have enough to share. it might mean you have less, but oh well. so i was in this meeting with my small group leaders talking about how we were going to encourage people to give generously to this offering we have at church that will go to outreach. as i was explaining this might be easier for some and harder for others. this girl says:

"yeah some might say God, I don't have enough to share."

I laughed. out loud. i didn't mean to, but i did. She didn't. She meant it. i apologized. i bit my tongue and sat on my hands. it proved my point i guess. it will be harder for some.. Lord have mercy on me.

its good to have friends

you can laugh with, be serious with, cook with, play with, stay up late with, plan with, be spontaneous with



who are honest, who are humble, who are trustworthy, who think of others, who are not perfect, who forgive



who know you, surprise you, laught at you, teach you, accept you, care for you, challenge you



who you admire, look up to, dream with, dream for



who can be angry, insecure, insensitive, selfish, frustrated, grumpy, prideful, unreasonable,



who remind me, I can be too.



I have been reflecting a lot on the african idea of community. This idea that "I am well when we are well." It is such a foreign concept for most of us who live in a very individualistic culture. It was reinforced for me when I watched some video my friend had that just came back from africa. Her team traveled to villages and had time to play with kids and teach them some games. My friend and her team would teach the kids a game and then the african children would teach them one. Of course a classic, one that i have used before is Duck, Duck, Goose. The kids were so cute cheering and chasing one another around. When it was time for the african children to play they all formed a circle and started clapping and singing beautifully. There was one person in the middle and the "game" was to choose someone from the circle and you both danced together in the middle. Then that person would pick the next person to dance with and so on and so on. No winner, no loser, no competiton, no individuals, none of that mattered. There were just always two kids in the middle dancing together. If you would try and get a group of kids here to enjoy or even see the point of a "game" like that, they would be bored or think its stupid.


The contrast in values that I saw in a simple children's game has been yelling at me this past week. It makes me think and pay attention to how i "play" with my friends and others. We would like to think that false humility is the antidote, but in the end we are still trying to win, be first and be better than others. This all ties back to the difference between what we do and who are; a theme that keeps coming back for me this quarter.In our game your identity is how good you are at something compared to everyone else, in the african game your identity comes from being part of the group; belonging to each other. I think i'm drained by a culture that tells people it is what we do that makes us who we are or its what we can't do that makes us worth less. I'm drained by my own judgements of people. I feel like i have the right to determine who is worth my love, but if i'm in christ its not my love, but Christs love that i say i offer. Therefore I shamefully determine who is worthy of God's love, but I say its God's love when really its nothing but my counterfeit. this makes me a fool. this is why i need friends, this is why i need those who are hungry, angry, selfish, judgemental, and broken. they keep me accountable. when its God's love it can bear fruit in me and through me that will last. when its my love I don't do anything. Apart from him i do nothing. Apart from him i cannot love.

nothing is wrong

I just need to talk, run, scream, kick, yell, process, get all this energy out. I feel like i'm about to burst. i want to fight. i want to push the limits. i'm stressed. i want to stay up all night. i want to walk in the rain, sit in the cold, throw punches at the air, do things i shouldn't. i'm fired up, i'm hurt, i'm frustrated. i don't have words. i don't have reasons. i'm emotional. i'm tired. i want to hide. i want to be noticed. i want it to go away. I want to let it out.